Yes I sort of felt a bit weird when I first broke out of being muslim years ago. It's like your life is suddenly without insurance and everything just feels a little less controlled and unfair without the "supreme court justice" in your imagination. But it goes away after a few days and you start feeling more freedom, happiness and you finally start to accept reality for what it is.

Thank you for the responses, guys.

What changed was that I lost what little hope I had. The hope that there was a reason for suffering in the world, that there was some transcendent goodness to the universe.

Sure, I have hobbies and family and friends and all that, but they're just conditional, material....things.

Like...I don't know, I feel that I don't have a reason to do anything now. I'm just an animal with animal fears and desires and there's else to it.

(November 3, 2017 at 12:47 am)Rayden_Greywolf Wrote: So, I've been denying my atheism for years, but man, I just can't do it anymore. That said, there's a reason I've been avoiding it. I'm terrified right now. I don't get how anyone's supposed to be happy like this.

I feel like...all I can do is cope with life now. I don't see what there is to look forward to, or to take reassurance in. Everything just seems empty.

(Why yes, I'm on meds and seeing a counselor. Doesn't help much.)

I'm empty as fuck too but I've always been an atheist and I don't see how an Eternal Babysitter would be any better.

Although I must admit that if I genuinely believed I could help get myself and my friends to heaven that would sure as fuck get me motivated. Even though it would be deluded as fuck.

(November 3, 2017 at 10:37 pm)Rayden_Greywolf Wrote: Thank you for the responses, guys.

What changed was that I lost what little hope I had. The hope that there was a reason for suffering in the world, that there was some transcendent goodness to the universe.

Sounds like you had a pretty dim view of the world that god created? There's still a reason for suffering in the world, plenty of them..more accurately. The reason simply isn't god and it never was. Similarly, the same amount of transcendent goodness exists as did before...it's just not divine...and like before it never was.

Quote:Sure, I have hobbies and family and friends and all that, but they're just conditional, material....things.

Full disclosure, I've never been a believer...but the idea that friends and family meant (and still mean) less to you than a ghost you'd never met and now don't even believe in is hard to wrap my head around.  

Quote:Like...I don't know, I feel that I don't have a reason to do anything now. I'm just an animal with animal fears and desires and there's else to it.

You always were, even when you believed.  Nothing about that changed. Can it really be that the only reason you had for doing anything, before..was god? That's a pretty tough sell, don't you think?

In the years I've been here, reading similar deconversion issues...it sometimes seems as if believers become -more- pious in leaving their faiths than they ever were when they were still in them. I've never met a single believer whose entire life, and all sense of meaning revolved around god to the exclusion, even, of their own family. They seem to take meaning and pleasure out of most of the same things I do.

(November 3, 2017 at 2:09 am)Aoi Magi Wrote:

(November 3, 2017 at 12:47 am)Rayden_Greywolf Wrote: So, I've been denying my atheism for years, but man, I just can't do it anymore. That said, there's a reason I've been avoiding it. I'm terrified right now. I don't get how anyone's supposed to be happy like this.

I feel like...all I can do is cope with life now. I don't see what there is to look forward to, or to take reassurance in. Everything just seems empty.

(Why yes, I'm on meds and seeing a counselor. Doesn't help much.)

if everything is empty, then you get to fill it with whatever you want, just use your imagination... isn't that freedom great?

Depends on how imaginative you are

(November 3, 2017 at 10:42 pm)Khemikal Wrote:

(November 3, 2017 at 10:37 pm)Rayden_Greywolf Wrote: Thank you for the responses, guys.

What changed was that I lost what little hope I had. The hope that there was a reason for suffering in the world, that there was some transcendent goodness to the universe.

Sounds like you had a pretty dim view of the world that god created?  There's still a reason for suffering in the world, plenty of them..more accurately.  The reason simply isn't god and it never was.  Similarly, the same amount of transcendent goodness exists as did before...it's just not divine...and like before it never was.  

Quote:Sure, I have hobbies and family and friends and all that, but they're just conditional, material....things.

Full disclosure, I've never been a believer...but the idea that friends and family meant (and still mean) less to you than a ghost you'd never met and now don't even believe in is hard to wrap my head around.  

Quote:Like...I don't know, I feel that I don't have a reason to do anything now. I'm just an animal with animal fears and desires and there's else to it.

You always were, even when you believed.  Nothing about that changed.  Can it really be that the only reason you had for doing anything, before..was god?  That's a pretty tough sell, don't you think?

In the years I've been here, reading similar deconversion issues...it sometimes seems as if believers become -more- pious in leaving their faiths than they ever were when they were still in them.  I've never met a single believer whose entire life, and all sense of meaning revolved around god to the exclusion, even, of their own family.  They seem to take meaning and pleasure out of most of the same things I do.

What transcended goodness?

I don't really know how to answer your response about me and my family. Maybe that makes me a heartless monster, I don't know.

I should mention I never really "truly" believed. I grew up in a Christian household, but when I was able to start thinking for myself, I eventually realized I had no reason to believe in it. I never had faith in anything.

If you never truly believed then what have you lost? I don't understand. Did you not believe you'd go to heaven?

(November 3, 2017 at 10:37 pm)Rayden_Greywolf Wrote: Thank you for the responses, guys.

What changed was that I lost what little hope I had. The hope that there was a reason for suffering in the world, that there was some transcendent goodness to the universe.

Sure, I have hobbies and family and friends and all that, but they're just conditional, material....things.

Like...I don't know, I feel that I don't have a reason to do anything now. I'm just an animal with animal fears and desires and there's else to it.

1. Suffering is a part of life it exists because we exist is that not enough of a reason but we are not slaves to it. And why need goodness be transcendent rather then right here ?

2.  And you are a conditional mostly material being . So is it really so bad ?

3. Wanting to do something is not enough ? You are indeed an animal with fears and desires and that's not enough ? Why is being an animal less ? Why are fears and desires not enough ? Would more really make you that much happier ?

(November 3, 2017 at 11:13 pm)Rayden_Greywolf Wrote: What transcended goodness?

I wouldn't know, people have wildly divergent ideas on that.  I'm simply suggesting that if you saw it in anything before apart from god..it;s still there now..and if you only saw it in god before..it was never there to begin with.  There's just no change.

Quote:I don't really know how to answer your response about me and my family. Maybe that makes me a heartless monster, I don't know.

LOL, oh I think we can shoot lower than all that.  Some people aren't fulfilled by life or family.  If you weren't before, it's no surprise that you aren't now.  If you were before..well...you're still alive and they still exist.  

Quote:I should mention I never really "truly" believed. I grew up in a Christian household, but when I was able to start thinking for myself, I eventually realized I had no reason to believe in it. I never had faith in anything.

Okay then.  Have you always felt that there was no transcendant good and no reason for suffering and life was meaningless and there's no point in doing anything?  Your earlier comments seemed to indicate a change, and a change that had something to do with atheism..but if you've always been an atheist..........?

(November 3, 2017 at 11:14 pm)Hammy Wrote: If you never truly believed then what have you lost? I don't understand. Did you not believe you'd go to heaven?

As a kid, I believed that, yeah. I guess I'm having a hard time explaining it. 

I lost hope, but...its more that I've never "gained" anything, in growing up. No purpose, no meaning, nothing.

---

(November 3, 2017 at 11:20 pm)Khemikal Wrote:

(November 3, 2017 at 11:13 pm)Rayden_Greywolf Wrote: What transcended goodness?

I wouldn't know, people have wildly divergent ideas on that.  I'm simply suggesting that if you saw it in anything before apart from god..it;s still there now..and if you only saw it in god before..it was never there to begin with.  There's just no change.

Quote:I don't really know how to answer your response about me and my family. Maybe that makes me a heartless monster, I don't know.

LOL, oh I think we can shoot lower than all that.  Some people aren't fulfilled by life or family.  If you weren't before, it's no surprise that you aren't now.  If you were before..well...you're still alive and they still exist.  

Quote:I should mention I never really "truly" believed. I grew up in a Christian household, but when I was able to start thinking for myself, I eventually realized I had no reason to believe in it. I never had faith in anything.

Okay then.  Have you always felt that there was no transcendant good and no reason for suffering and life was meaningless and there's no point in doing anything?  Your earlier comments seemed to indicate a change, and a change that had something to do with atheism..but if you've always been an atheist..........?

The change is that I was clinging onto the hope that all that stuff was there, and now I've given up trying to force that fantasy. But now that leaves me with no reason to get out of bed in the morning.