Baby is born.
An invisible quest Notification is added.
Main Quest: Have faith in God and follow his commandments.
Quest failure penalty: Get tourtured in hell.

The fact that there's a 'Highway to Hell' but only a 'Stairway to Heaven' says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

Boru

Friend at work, "My son won't eat fish. What can I replace it with?"

Me, "A cat. Cats love fish."

I saw this following joke on FB. Went something like this.

Venus Williams, Freddy Mercury and Bruno Mars walk into a bar, they didn't planet that way.

I got my sex change when I was 15 years old. I changed from 'having none' to 'having lots'.

Boru

A man in Moscow goes up to a newsstand and buys a newspaper…

He then glances at the front page, then turns aside and tosses the whole newspaper straight into the trash.

Next day, he turns up, and does the same thing. Buys it, glances at the front page, throws it in the trash.

Next day, same thing. The newsstand worker is increasingly puzzled, but doesn’t say anything.

But eventually, after a couple of weeks of this, he can’t take it. “I’m sorry, friend, but I must ask: why do you buy the paper every day and then just look at the front page and throw it out?”

“Oh, I’m just checking for something.”

“OK, but: what are you checking for?”

“I’m checking for a particular obituary.”

“But sir, you don’t even open the newspaper! The obituaries aren’t even on the front page!”

“Oh, believe me, the one I’m waiting for will be.”

I still remember my interview at my current job.

Boss, "can you perform under pressure?"

Me, "No, but I'm pretty good at Bohemian Rhapsody."



He regrets hiring me to this day!

I think the reason that I've rarely worked for someone else has to do with me listing 'Revenge' under the Special Skills section of my resume.

Boru

Apparently, I snore when I'm driving.

I’ve gotten tired of the Gandhi version, so:

Julie Andrews changed her brand of lip gloss because the old one would flake to pieces and give her bad breath. In other words, 



Boru