A sailor and a pirate walk into a bar. They sit down next to each other, get to talking and their chat soon turns to their sea adventures. The sailor tells of his days fighting wars with the Navy, and the pirate tells of robbing ships and killing his enemies with the other pirates.

The sailor notices that the pirate has an eyepatch, a hook and a peg leg and asks, “How did you get the peg leg?” The pirate replies, “When I was thrown off my ship and floated for two days until my crew rescued me, my leg was bitten off by a shark as I was being pulled out of the water.”
The sailor, impressed, says, “Wow. That’s very exciting. But how about the hook?” The pirate smiles, shining the hook a bit, “When I was swordfighting with a pirate from our enemy ship for treasure, he took it right off.” The sailor’s eyes were wide with awe at how badass this pirate was, and he asked, How did you get the eyepatch?” “Well,”says the pirate, shifting in his seat a bit, “a seagull pooed in my eye.” The seaman looks puzzled: “You lost an eye from gull poo?”
The pirate sighed and shook his head. “It was my first day with the hook.”

Me: *napping on the couch*

Cat #1: 'I think he might be dead.'

Cats #2 thru #4: 'Let's walk on his face and check.'

Boru

How many holy wafers do you have to eat before you've consumed a whole Jesus?

(July 27, 2022 at 12:28 pm)The Valkyrie Wrote: How many holy wafers do you have to eat before you've consumed a whole Jesus?

Do we assume that the whole Jesus is desiccated like the wafer?

A woman is weaving a bit in traffic and gets pulled over. When he reaches the car, the cop sees that the woman is drinking something. 

‘What’s in the bottle, ma’am?’ he asks.

‘Jusht water, ossifer,’ the clearly inebriated woman answers and hands him the bottle.

The officer takes a sniff of the contents and says, ‘Ma’am, that’s not water. It smells like wine.’

‘Praise Jesus!’ shouts the woman. ‘He’s done it again!!’

Boru

If communion wafers are the flesh of Christ, is there a Jesus-free option for vegans?

I took my son out for his first pint. He didn’t like the Guinness I bought him, so I had it. Then, I bought him a Harp. He didn’t like it, so I had it. Same with the Murphy’s, the Smithwick’s and the Hard Cider.

By the time we got to the whiskey, I could hardly push the pram.

Boru

I hate waking up in the morning, after I've been drinking, and I have a hangover, an eyebrow shaved off, and a dick drawn on my face!

I wouldn't mind, but I was drinking alone, at home!

Where does Dr. Leonard ‘Bones’ McCoy go to work out?



Boru

(August 1, 2022 at 7:16 pm)BrianSoddingBoru4 Wrote: Where does Dr. Leonard ‘Bones’ McCoy go to work out?

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The Dammit Gym.

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Boru