This week in the Deep Hurting Project, Carnage: The Legend of Quiltface.

• So, you watch Me and Earl and the Dying Girl and remember the stupid movie titles Greg and Earl come up with? "The Legend of Quiltface" sounds like it's supposed to be one of those titles.
  
  
  
• Okay, they're just randomly driving into the desert to do something. Apparently, the sight of a bunker with just a door and a single wall visible is supposed to be a panty-dropper.
  
• No, Quiltface, you're supposed to be chopping people with that machete, not hitting them!
  
• Is it weird that I expected that two-note alarm to turn into "Fur Elise"?
  
• If there's one thing I hate about these VHS-shot movies, it's how non-existent the sound mixing is. Any fucking possible sound that can compete with the dialogue will. And because the sort of directors who shoot on VHS tend to not be into visual storytelling (Cecilia Condit is the sole exception I know of), we're basically just missing out on a chunk of story.
  
• So, nerdy dude with nothing to offer a woman? Maybe a dakimakura is for you.
  
• Toothly challenged? That's not a phrase that even applies to buck teeth. That's too much tooth, and not too little.
  
• Are they implying that the redneck who's driving them to the desert was a witness to the Roswell incident? He'd have to be at his mid-50s at the youngest.
  
• Is Quiltface even going to do anything?
  
• Why is there a Ferris Wheel with milk jugs?
  
• Hypothesis: the director decided to troll the audience by making them think they were in for a Texas Chain Saw Massacre ripoff, but instead, he gave them a ripoff of Gerry.
  
• Is this their project? Just posing in front of these random artifacts that are probably of the Atomic Age?
  
• Why is The Dude a serial killer now?
  
• So, it's been donkeys since I've seen TCSM, was Leatherface basically a dog, personality-wise? I know he was mentally challenged, but this killer here acts like a dog.
  
  
  
• And they're aware how little Quiltface's face actually looks like a quilt. 
  
• How fitting; after just barely hitting other people with his machete, Quiltface gets killed by also just barely getting hit by a machete.
  
• That dude has a bizarrely nonchalant attitude towards one of the people he drove to the desert coming in sobbing and covered in blood.
  

Next week, Hansel and Gretel: Warriors of Witchcraft

This week in the Deep Hurting Project, Hansel and Gretel: Warriors of Witchcraft. It's yet another David DeCoteau film, this time a ripoff of Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters. It's also one of the first films to be removed from the project, back when I was just focused on checking out DVDs from my local library (it had been removed from their collection) and circumstances hadn't yet forced the Project to get into streaming.

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• That's not a house made of gingerbread and candy. That's a gazebo.
  
• Also, witches are female (or at least feminine-adjacent), so they're probably not going to have that deep a voice.
  
• I was shocked at the fact that Fivel is actually a real name and not one made up by Steven Spielberg and Don Bluth, but then again, apparently he has a sister named Booboo.
  
• Lebkuchenhaus Academy. So, it's basically Gingerbread Academy.
  
• So, is this new school the same as their old school? Or did DeCoteau just copy and paste an establishing shot of the old school without caring that it doesn't match this Hacienda-architecture?
  
• These kids have all this intimate information just easy enough to Google?
  
• The fact that the boy looks like Ezra Miller is making the remark about his being a real man hilarious.
  
• Damn, Eric Roberts is short.
  
• I'll stick with real high schoolers pretending to helm a nature documentary in their schools, like that one deleted scene from the Bratz movie, thank you very much: 
  
• So you had four presidents come here? Is this how Trump managed to win the Republican nomination in 2016? By witchcraft? The sad thing is that makes about as much sense as any other explanation.
  
• Your mother's side of the family originally came from Europe? Wow, that's totally unique and can't describe literally every other white person in America!
  
• This scene with the guidance counselor talking about students getting burned out reminds me of that one episode of Daria where Daria's visiting an open house for this prestigious school for the gifted. 91% of their students get accepted to top colleges, and the other 9% found they needed time away from the pressure of things like grades, competition, and dressing and feeding themselves.
  
• Someone must really have been into Malfatti circles in that dorm.
  
• Huh. Alchemy was actually good for something all along. Who'd have thunk it? Or is this what the knife's blade is made of?
  
  
  
• How long has this movie been going on, and why did they just go from Lord of the Flies to Lord Jim?
  
• And somehow, the deep-voiced witch happened to be the guidance counselor all that time. And somehow, this gives the movie yet another Blackadder reference
  
  
  
• And, of course the twins' birth names turn out to be Hansel and Gretel. Of course they do. It's not like the title gave that away.
  

Next week, CarGo.

I caught Guardians of the Galaxy 3 yesterday. It made me cry what I think were real racoon tears.

I read some of the Rocket Racoon comics in the sevenites when he was the 'Guardian of the Keystone Quadrant'. It was interesting to see how they integrated his comic book backstory origin into the movie franchise. Originally the animals were uplifted to serve as caretakers for the inmates of an asylum planet; now they were early attempts by the High Evolutionary to crate a species capable of utopia.

I enjoyed it, but my movie tastes aren't very refined.

This week in the Deep  Hurting Project, CarGo, The Asylum's answer to Cars 3.

• So, it's a Rodgers and Hammerstein-style musical?
  
• Of all the things they could try for realism in, they go for reflection? One car looks like he has the pulsar from Unknown Pleasure on his back.
  
• Vincent Diesel? That's seriously a name they're using?
  
• The musical numbers have gone from "Oklahoma"  to MC Hammer's shittier material and we've just hit the five minute mark.
  
• Is there some social commentary in the fact that the cop car decided to chase the black car?
  
• Who is Father George and why should we care that Taylors are a BXXXSN?
  
• Why is Ed Asner here and why did they think he'd be a good fit for a solo number? And why is there no structure to his song?
  
• The "Teenage Car" song seems like they just smushed five different songs and decided to parody them all.
  
• Carnado? Say what you will about Sharknado, it's at least more entertaining than this movie.
  
• Putting your son on blocks for a week? Imagine if this was real and a parent decided to cripple their son for a week as punishment.
  
• Being bad is a lot more fun... until you get caught. And then, if enough people are aware of what you did, they just write you off and eventually, Barger's Law comes into play: "When you're good no one cares; when you're bad no one forgets."
  
• And of course there's a mafia just randomly in this movie. Of course there is.
  
• The speed limit is 35 MPH? Okay, I just looked it up and (at least in Chicago) the speed limit is 30 in urban areas.
  
• Once you get a taste of winning, you're never really done.  But he's never gotten a taste of winning.
  
• You'd think he'd have a grasp of what the ICU's supposed to be at this age.
  
• Well, that was a good point. You didn't even know Clunker Island was real, now you want to go there.
  
• Did they just repeat the "Let's Go To Clunker Island" line? 
  
• It's going to be great; all I have to do is get the shit beat out of me so I can get sent to the chop shop and rescue Dad.
  
• Okay, now I want to know how cars apply makeup to other cars.
  
• Wait, they're drafted as understudies? Don't they have to know the lines? So, why are they immediately drafted into performing when there's already a performance going on?
  
• Fenders are supposed to be used in prayer? I suppose Gibson players are SOL then.
  
• Wasn't his plan to go to Clunker Island? So, why is he actually trying to win this demolition derby?
  
• This reminds me of the Mass Transit incident, except that he actually won.
  
• Wait, was the Don's son totalled? So, why isn't he on Clunker Island?
  
• Nice to know that Danny got to voice his annoyance with Speedy Fireball repeatedly explaining what his name means before I got to.
  
• Oh, right, it's a musical. After front-loading all the musical numbers in the first 15 minutes, I was surprised to find they went 30 minutes without a musical number.
  
• Okay, now I want to know how a car can actually tunnel underground. 
  
• This conversation about The Car-Shank Redemption reminds me of the time Dad heard me playing the theme from Cannibal Holocaust and saying he remembered that song from a movie, but he insisted that movie wasn't actually Cannibal Holocaust.
  
• A carburger? So cannbibalism is a thing among these sentient cars?
  
• Nice to know we wasted several minutes on the "Spirit of the Forest" thing.
  
• A tree growing out of your back? I'm sure I've heard about that disorder somewhere. Maybe I'm just thinking of Cordyceps.
  
• Yep. It's official. Cannibalism among cars is a real problem in this universe.
  
• Why is cannibalism a running theme in this movie? 
  
• Does this girl have aphasia?
  
• Paris isn't Monte Carlo. 
  
• At least I can give it this: clustered songs aside, this movie doesn't have a pacing problem. When they got to Dad, I wasn't asking why there were 25 minutes left.
  
• That said, I was wondering how the Monster Truck is still in a condition to compete against Danny if he was just totalled.
  
• Unbreakable armour for a car. Sounds a lot like Marvin Heemeyer to me. 
  
• This "she's not my girlfriend" running gag reminds me of that one closeted bisexual coworker I had. She fell in love with the one other girl in the scene shop who actually swung that way, but still insisted they weren't lovers. Even after they got engaged.
  
• So, nobody's supposed to come back from Clunker Island. So what was with that one risky port that claimed nobody came back in one piece?
  
• Wait, he's surprised that Dad was a racer? Didn't he outright state that an hour ago?
  
• So, Fred Copcar sent Danny to Juvie specifically because he knew his friend was tunneling? And he didn't even tell anyone else?
  

Next week, I'm thinking of firing up the VPN to check out Bless the Child on Pluto TV UK

(May 15, 2023 at 11:40 am)Mister Agenda Wrote: I caught Guardians of the Galaxy 3 yesterday. It made me cry what I think were real racoon tears.

I read some of the Rocket Racoon comics in the sevenites when he was the 'Guardian of the Keystone Quadrant'. It was interesting to see how they integrated his comic book backstory origin into the movie franchise. Originally the animals were uplifted to serve as caretakers for the inmates of an asylum planet; now they were early attempts by the High Evolutionary to crate a species capable of utopia.

I enjoyed it, but my movie tastes aren't very refined.

I liked it.

Binged one of my guilty pleasures: All four Matt Helm movies. They're absolutely awful while still managing to be fun.

Boru

Tin & Tina

Quote:After a tragic abort, Lola and her husband Adolfo adopt Tin and Tina, two lovely brother and sister with an ultra-catholic education that makes them interpret Holy Bible verbatim.

Time for a horror movie with creepy kids. The synopsis needs to be better written, though.

If you like creepy kids, I hear someone is working on a remake of Spider Baby (1967).