My panic attacks are really... present. Thanks for the advice, all of you.

I was feeling terrible earlier. Having been unable to sleep, resulting in my not getting together with my worker, and not finishing my book, and thus not getting together with my group to discuss it. And realizing that my new psychiatrist's worrying about my "sleep hygiene" being responsible for not being able to sleep after 4 hours or more is stupid and that in addition to being an underpaid incompetent, she may be a part of the plot to kill me and do me harm.


And I was going to say that my mood has moved past the anger and frustration and sadness, but just thinking about it is making it return. I need to drag something sharp along my arm. So why am I hesitant?

Oh well. Bought a new kind of tequila tonight. And though given my finances, I shouldn't have spent the money, I'm very happy with my purchase (Antiguo reposado). And after 6-7 shots of various tequilas, am feeling more accepting. Tomorrow I will handle the pain. Tonight I will be drunk. (And hopefully not make another clumsy pass at a moderator.)

Apo, get an elastic and snap the it against your wrist. Don't mar your skin. I'm sure it is beautiful.

It's easy to get frustrated. I avoid "getting" help and am a self help kind of person. I am working on that. At any rate, when you are having a bitch of a time "getting" help, try to self help. I know it sounds like hollow words, but there are ways to handle this shit. Go for a walk. Walk until you are so sore and tired that you can't think. When you can't sleep, don't think about the fact that you aren't sleeping. Do something! That is the best advice I can give you.

Hang in there. We all have shitty days.

Question, who'd you make a pass at? I love forum shenanigans.

(May 31, 2012 at 12:07 am)apophenia Wrote:


I was feeling terrible earlier. Having been unable to sleep, resulting in my not getting together with my worker, and not finishing my book, and thus not getting together with my group to discuss it. And realizing that my new psychiatrist's worrying about my "sleep hygiene" being responsible for not being able to sleep after 4 hours or more is stupid and that in addition to being an underpaid incompetent, she may be a part of the plot to kill me and do me harm.


And I was going to say that my mood has moved past the anger and frustration and sadness, but just thinking about it is making it return. I need to drag something sharp along my arm. So why am I hesitant?

Oh well. Bought a new kind of tequila tonight. And though given my finances, I shouldn't have spent the money, I'm very happy with my purchase (Antiguo reposado). And after 6-7 shots of various tequilas, am feeling more accepting. Tomorrow I will handle the pain. Tonight I will be drunk. (And hopefully not make another clumsy pass at a moderator.)

Remember that spilling blood might make you feel better for a moment, but it will not make you more liked and it will not lessen any pain. Boozing up is not the way to go, either. You'll toast your liver and brain while simultaneously depressing your system further. If you really need something, please choose weed. It will help you sleep and you'll feel a lot better about it in the morning.

Thank you for your kind words. I have been careful so far not to leave any blemishes, the only one being a small mark where I put a cigarette out on my forearm. Thank you Annik, but when I smoke pot, I become paranoid and depressed. I recognize the negatives associated with alcohol, or any depressive, yet it fits in my life; I enjoy booze, in spite of its negatives. Take all the fruit, throw out the seed, as they say.

Well as long as you don't go the extremes I did. I too enjoy getting hammered, though I tend to do it in public. Truth be told I'm a very insular individual. I listen a lot, and I don't talk if I can help it. If I did what I "felt" like doing all the time I'd never leave my room. But it's not a healthy feeling. So I go out to the club or the bars with one of my room-mates. I buy a scorpion bowl [six shots of six different liquors in a glass with a splash of coke or pepsi to sweeten the flavor...helps to have grenadine as one of the shots as well], which is a $6-8 drink, and since the multitude of alcohols multiplies the effect, I get friggin' hammered fast. I need this because otherwise I feel nervous, tense, almost paranoid, and certainly out of place. Once I am loosened up...that's it. The night begins. The next three to four hours pass in a blur. I make out with random girls on the dance floor, I dance with whoever the fuck is receptive to whatever drunken style of dance I select for the evening. The club eventually closes and I go home feeling like, for at least a little while, I wasn't alone.

Occasionally I come home and me and my equally-drunk room-mate decide to go on an adventure, whereupon we literally stumble a mile down the road to the nearest convenience store or pharmacy and get drunken snacks and gatorade to alleviate what will otherwise be the worst fucking hangover any human being has ever endured. Then we stumble our way back, loudly slurring insults at the sleeping individuals of our neighborhood [who never hear it anyway, apparently], often about their cars, and talking about our life choices and what we're "going to do." Then we get home, my room-mate inevitably pukes in the toilet because apparently I have a tougher liver than he does [but I have four years experience over him so...] and we pass out.

This does not happen nearly as often as it should.

If you find yourself in Madison Wisconsin, lemme know, and we'll say "fuck the negativity" over a few shots together!

(May 31, 2012 at 2:43 am)apophenia Wrote:


Thank you for your kind words. I have been careful so far not to leave any blemishes, the only one being a small mark where I put a cigarette out on my forearm. Thank you Annik, but when I smoke pot, I become paranoid and depressed. I recognize the negatives associated with alcohol, or any depressive, yet it fits in my life; I enjoy booze, in spite of its negatives. Take all the fruit, throw out the seed, as they say.

I understand, it's not for everyone. But scars last a while. My thin lines took almost 2 years to fade and they were shallow. Resist the urge.

(May 31, 2012 at 2:19 pm)Annik Wrote:

(May 31, 2012 at 2:43 am)apophenia Wrote:


Thank you for your kind words. I have been careful so far not to leave any blemishes, the only one being a small mark where I put a cigarette out on my forearm. Thank you Annik, but when I smoke pot, I become paranoid and depressed. I recognize the negatives associated with alcohol, or any depressive, yet it fits in my life; I enjoy booze, in spite of its negatives. Take all the fruit, throw out the seed, as they say.

I understand, it's not for everyone. But scars last a while. My thin lines took almost 2 years to fade and they were shallow. Resist the urge.

Mine are still visible on my arms, and some are EXTREMELY visible. Makes for some awkward questioning, sometimes.

I used to tell people I fell into some nails or something. Always worked for me.

Fuck lying about it. Sort the sheep out from the lions by outing yourself.

I try not to lie about my issues. In fact, I might talk about them too much. I feel like it's easier than having to explain it when something happens in front of someone. I'm not a cutter, so that's not likely to happen, but I have been known to behave in ways that might offend someone, if they didn't know why I was doing it. This includes randomly leaving or not hanging out with people.