Hi guys

Normally, I would just talk to my close friends about this, but when I try... well... I think they just love me too much to tell me the harsh truth because some of them do think of me as fragile, which I suppose in a way I am. I'm hoping I can get some advice from some of you guys because I really value a lot of opinions on this forum.

A really strange pattern has developed in my life over the past six or seven years: I start dating someone and the interest level on their part is extremely high. We have a great time together for a while (the longest time was a year and the shortest about two weeks), until all of a sudden, communication halts. I just get completely cut off. In most of my six or seven experiences with this, the other person has thrown around the "L" word; the most recent occurrence being "do you love me yet?" said after sex a few times. It's to the point where I'm terrified about the next time I do love someone, I won't be able to tell them because it's hard to trust anyone not established in my life.

Some examples:

A couple of years ago, my boyfriend of a year dumped me completely out of the blue and without any kind of clear explanation; the day before that he had left a note for me saying "I love you" in the coffee maker. We had taken our time falling for each other (we were friends for a couple of years before becoming a couple), but he told me he loved me for the first time less than two weeks after we became a couple, and we were gung-ho. We took several vacations together, we knew each others' families, etc. And man? I was SO in love with him. I literally almost died as a result of that dumping, and I'm definitely no angsty teenager.

A few months ago I was dating someone I really liked. I was having a blast, and he was stuck to me like a bikini. A day after almost having sex, he cut off communication.

I've been dating a guy now for three months. He's been all about me; going full-force. In this one, because I don't want to be insanity defined, I've held back a bit, but I've been warming slowly, and now I really like him. He came over Monday night after work to hang out with some of my friends, and then we were supposed to have dinner Tuesday night before I left for Vegas. He got stuck in some meetings and dinner didn't happen, so I told him "no problem- I'll see you when I get back," and he said he was sad about missing dinner. Since that text from him on Tuesday, he's pretty much frozen me out. He's not responding to texts... like, at all, and I swear I've been very sweet in all five of the texts I've sent that have gone un-acknowledged.

These are just a few examples! I don't get this, you guys! I'm sweet, fairly attractive, and definitely fun. What is it that makes these people do this? Am I doing something to cause it? I mean, this most recent one has had several long-term relationships where he hasn't done this, so why with me?

A few things that might be pertinent:

-I'm not clingy or needy; If I really love someone though, I like being around them as much as possible. That doesn't mean no boys nights or whatever, though. I think balance is important.

-I'm 37, and I definitely do not want kids. Marriage is something I would consider, but it's no priority, and I'm not willing to get married until equal rights are attained in the state of California.

-I'm financially independent.

-I require lots of time with my friends, and make sure I express my ideal that my partner would be marginally close with them too. I rarely say that in words, but make sure I invite whomever I'm seeing to hang out at my Friday night get-togethers, and to invite their friends. I have had the one complaint from one guy I dated that my friends are TOO ingratiated, but I didn't like that guy (two dates), so I blew it off.

-I don't work and therefore I have lots of free time and I tend to spontaneously take a trip to New York or Mexico or anywhere outside or in between. I think that garners resentment from people sometimes (my mom resents me for it, for example), but I don't know that for sure.

-I suffer from pretty severe depression, and I'm unmedicated. It occurs to me that I may appear fake to people who don't know me very well because I'm extremely cheerful most of the time. When I'm not, I go off by myself so as not to burden anyone else with it, which I realize is a wall and maybe not so good for relationships.

Thanks in advance for any help, especially from people who have frozen or have been frozen out. It's truly an awful feelings; no closure, no answers, just a hole where plans and promises used to sit. It's so strange, but I'm the common denominator, so...

TL;DR: I'm unlucky in love and there are patterns, though I can't figure out how they fit and what I can do about them.

(April 13, 2014 at 2:59 am)rexbeccarox Wrote: Hi guys

Normally, I would just talk to my close friends about this, but when I try... well... I think they just love me too much to tell me the harsh truth because some of them do think of me as fragile, which I suppose in a way I am. I'm hoping I can get some advice from some of you guys because I really value a lot of opinions on this forum.

A really strange pattern has developed in my life over the past six or seven years: I start dating someone and the interest level on their part is extremely high. We have a great time together for a while (the longest time was a year and the shortest about two weeks), until all of a sudden, communication halts. I just get completely cut off. In most of my six or seven experiences with this, the other person has thrown around the "L" word; the most recent occurrence being "do you love me yet?" said after sex a few times. It's to the point where I'm terrified about the next time I do love someone, I won't be able to tell them because it's hard to trust anyone not established in my life.

Some examples:

A couple of years ago, my boyfriend of a year dumped me completely out of the blue and without any kind of clear explanation; the day before that he had left a note for me saying "I love you" in the coffee maker. We had taken our time falling for each other (we were friends for a couple of years before becoming a couple), but he told me he loved me for the first time less than two weeks after we became a couple, and we were gung-ho. We took several vacations together, we knew each others' families, etc. And man? I was SO in love with him. I literally almost died as a result of that dumping, and I'm definitely no angsty teenager.

A few months ago I was dating someone I really liked. I was having a blast, and he was stuck to me like a bikini. A day after almost having sex, he cut off communication.

I've been dating a guy now for three months. He's been all about me; going full-force. In this one, because I don't want to be insanity defined, I've held back a bit, but I've been warming slowly, and now I really like him. He came over Monday night after work to hang out with some of my friends, and then we were supposed to have dinner Tuesday night before I left for Vegas. He got stuck in some meetings and dinner didn't happen, so I told him "no problem- I'll see you when I get back," and he said he was sad about missing dinner. Since that text from him on Tuesday, he's pretty much frozen me out. He's not responding to texts... like, at all, and I swear I've been very sweet in all five of the texts I've sent that have gone un-acknowledged.

These are just a few examples! I don't get this, you guys! I'm sweet, fairly attractive, and definitely fun. What is it that makes these people do this? Am I doing something to cause it? I mean, this most recent one has had several long-term relationships where he hasn't done this, so why with me?

A few things that might be pertinent:

-I'm not clingy or needy; If I really love someone though, I like being around them as much as possible. That doesn't mean no boys nights or whatever, though. I think balance is important.

-I'm 37, and I definitely do not want kids. Marriage is something I would consider, but it's no priority, and I'm not willing to get married until equal rights are attained in the state of California.

-I'm financially independent.

-I require lots of time with my friends, and make sure I express my ideal that my partner would be marginally close with them too. I rarely say that in words, but make sure I invite whomever I'm seeing to hang out at my Friday night get-togethers, and to invite their friends. I have had the one complaint from one guy I dated that my friends are TOO ingratiated, but I didn't like that guy (two dates), so I blew it off.

-I don't work and therefore I have lots of free time and I tend to spontaneously take a trip to New York or Mexico or anywhere outside or in between. I think that garners resentment from people sometimes (my mom resents me for it, for example), but I don't know that for sure.

-I suffer from pretty severe depression, and I'm unmedicated. It occurs to me that I may appear fake to people who don't know me very well because I'm extremely cheerful most of the time. When I'm not, I go off by myself so as not to burden anyone else with it, which I realize is a wall and maybe not so good for relationships.

Thanks in advance for any help, especially from people who have frozen or have been frozen out. It's truly an awful feelings; no closure, no answers, just a hole where plans and promises used to sit. It's so strange, but I'm the common denominator, so...

TL;DR: I'm unlucky in love and there are patterns, though I can't figure out how they fit and what I can do about them.

You sound like you're doing everything fine. No one is perfect. You, me, the guys we date...are all flawed. But, when someone just goes silent, I'm done. I do not give a fuck what their reason is, short of...they are stuck under a large object. Or died. Other than those reasons, if things are going 'well' between a guy and me, and he ignores me, DONE DONE DONE. I just broke up with a guy who would come forward, and then, I'd pull back (as I didn't trust him after all of his games) and then, he would pull back, I'd come forward.

NO MORE INSANITY.

If someone cares for you, truly cares for you...it will show in his natural course of actions. Ignoring you, without just cause, is bs. And I'd move on. You have done nothing wrong, just going by what you state here.

You deserve respect, and cutting you off, shows you a lack of respect. And if you tolerate it, it will send a message that you accept being disrespected, and then it will continue to happen.

We inadvertently teach people how to treat us, in the end. Sorry this keeps happening. I know the feeling.

I've said before that nobody should ever take relationship advice from me. That hasn't changed. All I can offer is a hug.

I would offer advice but I'm 22. I know I'm too young and dumb to give love advice to anyone!

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Sorry honey! Big hugs!

I don't see this as relationship advice, as much as you should not tolerate someone ignoring you, for no apparent reason. No one is that busy, and it just would turn me off to the person. That's just me. If you accept bad stuff, bad stuff will continue. Just my thoughts. ((sending you a hug too))

(April 13, 2014 at 3:05 am)Deidre32 Wrote: You sound like you're doing everything fine. No one is perfect. You, me, the guys we date...are all flawed. But, when someone just goes silent, I'm done. I do not give a fuck what their reason is, short of...they are stuck under a large object. Or died. Other than those reasons, if things are going 'well' between a guy and me, and he ignores me, DONE DONE DONE. I just broke up with a guy who would come forward, and then, I'd pull back (as I didn't trust him after all of his games) and then, he would pull back, I'd come forward.

NO MORE INSANITY.

If someone cares for you, truly cares for you...it will show in his natural course of actions. Ignoring you, without just cause, is bs. And I'd move on. You have done nothing wrong, just going by what you state here.

You deserve respect, and cutting you off, shows you a lack of respect. And if you tolerate it, it will send a message that you accept being disrespected, and then it will continue to happen.

We inadvertently teach people how to treat us, in the end. Sorry this keeps happening. I know the feeling.

Oh, you're absolutely right. I'm done. I don't tolerate that shit at all, ever. I'm just trying to figure out why it happens. In all of these cases, there was not only regular, but affectionate communication up until the freeze-out... that's what I find so odd: there has never been any indication that these guys were game-players.

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(April 13, 2014 at 3:11 am)Cthulhu Dreaming Wrote: I've said before that nobody should ever take relationship advice from me. That hasn't changed. All I can offer is a hug.

Thanks Cthu

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(April 13, 2014 at 3:16 am)BrokenQuill92 Wrote: I would offer advice but I'm 22. I know I'm too young and dumb to give love advice to anyone!

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Sorry honey! Big hugs!

Thanks darlin'

Men like this, to me...my experience? They have others they're juggling, as well. Basically telling us one thing, 'I love you,' etc...but meanwhile, they have others they 'entertain,' when we're busy, not around, etc. I hate to sound that way, but the last two guys who would at times 'go silent' on me, had other women they were 'entertaining,' I came to find out. So, to me...silence means either a) the person died and that could be b) the person is stuck under a large object, maybe a tree? and can't get to the phone or c) there are others.

Likely choice is c. That's why I move on the MINUTE I'm ignored. I'm an understanding person, but I expect to be treated with the same respect I give. If not, I'm done.

You deserve the very best. Always remember that.

(April 13, 2014 at 3:27 am)Deidre32 Wrote: Men like this, to me...my experience? They have others they're juggling, as well. Basically telling us one thing, 'I love you,' etc...but meanwhile, they have others they 'entertain,' when we're busy, not around, etc. I hate to sound that way, but the last two guys who would at times 'go silent' on me, had other women they were 'entertaining,' I came to find out. So, to me...silence means either a) the person died and that could be b) the person is stuck under a large object, maybe a tree? and can't get to the phone or c) there are others.

Likely choice is c. That's why I move on the MINUTE I'm ignored. I'm an understanding person, but I expect to be treated with the same respect I give. If not, I'm done.

You deserve the very best. Always remember that.

I can't argue with this. If someone just drops off the radar, it would seem that perhaps there is something they haven't told you.

(April 13, 2014 at 3:27 am)Deidre32 Wrote: Men like this, to me...my experience? They have others they're juggling, as well. Basically telling us one thing, 'I love you,' etc...but meanwhile, they have others they 'entertain,' when we're busy, not around, etc. I hate to sound that way, but the last two guys who would at times 'go silent' on me, had other women they were 'entertaining,' I came to find out. So, to me...silence means either a) the person died and that could be b) the person is stuck under a large object, maybe a tree? and can't get to the phone or c) there are others.

Likely choice is c. That's why I move on the MINUTE I'm ignored. I'm an understanding person, but I expect to be treated with the same respect I give. If not, I'm done.

You deserve the very best. Always remember that.

Thanks, sweetie. You're right; I've often thought of the "other entertainment options" thing, but I have no proof. For a couple of days after this recent freeze out, I thought maybe my boyfriend the Marine had been sent somewhere or something until my Facebook newsfeed informed me of his Candy Crush habit. Something tells me you can't be risking your life in battle while giving it up on Candy Crush... I don't play Candy Crush. Does one normally "give up" lives on that game? It's always seemed so benign!

I am in the same position as you kinda. I normally hold back, and I do not want to date while deployed status. But, I am just moving on. I do not need to waste time and effort on people who do not want to have two way communications. It is always about two way communication.