joke time

[Minimalist]

I saw her standing there and told her
she had three beautiful children.

She didn't have to get all pissed off
with me and threaten me with
Islamic Jihad.

It was an honest mistake.

[Rhondazvous]

Three Texans went down to Mexico, got frunk and wound up in jail. They sobered up real fast when they discovered they were going to be executed in the morning. They spent all night trying to figure out what they could have done to deserve capital punishment. Sure enough in the morning they strapped the first man in the electric chair.
First man: I’m a Christian. I believe that god will save me.
When they pulled the switch, nothing happened. So they let him go, figuring god was with him. Then they strapped the second man in the electric chair.
Second man: I’m a lawyer. I believe the law of justice will protect the innocent.
But again, when they pulled the switch, nothing happened. They let him go figuring the law was on his side. Then they strapped the third man in the electric chair.
Third man: I’m a Texas Aggie electrical engineer and I’ma tell you right now, you ain’t ‘lectricutin’ nobody ‘til you hook up them two wires.

[JeffofGallifrey]

I went to a Scottish Highland Games competition to root for my buddy who was competing (Just realized this sounds like a joke set-up. Haha It's not- just a related story). I'm not kidding, every 75-100 feet, at the corner of every tent and building, there was a person in a kilt playing the bagpipes. You couldn't get away from them. And no two people were playing the same song. You could hear 5 bagpipes at once playing different things, and the funny thing is- it didn't matter. It's probably the only instrument in the world where playing a completely different song than the next guy doesn't make it sound any worse. Honestly, from watching them struggle and reset constantly, I thought they were all practicing.

Anyhow, I sort of ended up appreciating the haunting sound of the bagpipes. Sort of.

I actually like bagpipes, but only outdoors and at a distance.  They do stir the blood.  It's no wonder it was a military instrument.

The jokes came from a high school boyfriend who played them.

That's one of the awesome things about music people: they almost always know the jokes for their instrument and a room full of them is a big joke book.

Q. How do you know there's a soprano at your door? A. She can't find her key and doesn't know when to come in...

[Rhondazvous]

via Imgflip Meme Maker

[Edwardo Piet]

[ignoramus]

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I actually like bagpipes, but only outdoors and at a distance. They do stir the blood. It's no wonder it was a military instrument.

You know why pipers traditionally walk about while they play? Trying to get away from that bloody awful racket they're making.

Boru

[Rhondazvous]

Not unless one wants to be a traveling comedian.

[Rhondazvous]

A man lay on his death bed when suddenly he became aware of the smell of chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. It was his favorite cookie. Could it be…oh could it be that his loving wife had made him this last final pleasure in life? Somehow, he found the strength to rise from his bed and make it down to the kitchen. There he found chocolate chip cookies everywhere. On the table on the counter, on top of the refrigerator—everywhere. He fell to his knees, overwhelmed with gratitude. He could only crawl across the floor to the table and with what seemed like his last gasp, he reached up and his gnarled fingers curled around one of the precious, cherished chocolate chip cookies. Just then a spatula came down on his hand.
Wife: Paws off. Those are for the funeral.

[Rhondazvous]

A woman lay on her death bed, her devoted husband sitting vigil at her side, holding her hand and stroking her forehead.
Woman: Dear, I know this is it. I shan’t rise from this bed.
Husband: hush darling. You needn’t say a word.
Woman: But, I must. I’ve a terrible secret I’ve been keeping from you all these years and I must confess it.
Husband: No darling. It’s all right.
Woman: But I mustn’t die with this terrible shame on my conscience. I must confess, you see dear I…I’ve been cheating on you. Yes, with your friend, Michael. I…he…we…
Husband: Hush darling. I know all about it.
Woman: You do?
Husband: (caressing her cheek) Of course, darling. Why else have I poisoned you?