My pathetic whining about how I want a relationship

[Iroscato]

My best piece of groundwork advice would be: stop coming across as an arsehole. People generally react to arseholes by acting like arseholes to them. If you're not an arsehole, then the only ones who act like arseholes to you are themselves just arseholes. It's very much a cyclical, pay-it-forward kind of system. The world owes you nothing, so it would be best if you rather rapidly got out of the mindset that it does and tried making a damn effort with people. The cycle has to stop somewhere, and you're the one most capable of breaking it. Ball's in your court. Otherwise, good luck getting anyone to be interested in you if you continue with this immature bullshit.

I do sympathise with you, it may not be entirely your fault. But now is the time to start pulling your wieght and actively seeing what you can do to change your circumstances, because nobody else can do it for you.

[DespondentFishdeathMasochismo]

Oh my god, talking to people is just tiring.

Then why do you want a relationship? Making a real relationship work takes a lot of talking.

Just abuse me as much as possible with your words, I don't care. You have no idea how frustrating it is to get along with people, it's like the number one fucking difficulty in my life, besides giving a fuck about school work.

<looks at thread title> Nope, I'm not getting it.

I just wish I didn't have to feel like life is so fucking difficult, I feel like my anxiety would mostly go away.

It could, young man, if only you'd loosen your embrace. Lighten up. The world won't end if you don't have a relationship. Take care of Maslow's pyramid, stop worrying about how you come across to others. Be yourself, and do things you like to do. You will at that point meet people who have at least one thing in common with you, though they may or may not like you. All you're doing is evening the odds, okay? Understand that you won't like everyone you meet, and not everyone will like you, and that's okay. There's no law saying people have to like you, no law saying you have to like them, and no way you will ever find happiness so long as you're so goddamned afraid. You will get hurt. You will get pissed.  You will get happy, too.

Let go of your fears and anxieties. Be considerate of your fellow human. Speak the truth as you sense it, while at the same time remembering that your truth can hurt other people. Should probably avoid wearing trenchcoats or sunglasses at night (not that you do, just covering all the bases).

Brooding loners don't get laid, but social skills can be learnt. Do you want to learn, or do you want to wallow? I don't often agree with him, but KUSA is right; it's not hard to find yourself in a relationship. You have to put yourself in a position where your good qualities shine, and where the people with whom you wish relations are present. And you have to be unafraid.

Be yourself? :^)))))))))))))))) Oh my god. You realize "be yourself" means be totally fake, force yourself to appear happy, say the most astute and diplomatic things as to not upset people, lie politely, just be the "real you". You realize that people say shit like "the real you" is the you when you're nice to be around, right? Oh my god it's so fucking gross. I have been myself on this forum, people obviously fucking hate me. Just be yourself everyone will like you :^)))))))))))) 

I never actually get a fucking chance to talk with people. I have no idea what it takes to actually get engaged in a conversation with a person outside of the internet. I always go to concerts to go out to cafes or record stores or something, I have no fucking idea what to do. I just walk in and get some stuff and then I walk out like no one even fucking noticed me. I usually talk to the people behind the counter if it's a record store a little bit, because they're just there and I can. It doesn't make a difference. You act like I have this problem with talking to people, I never even fucking talk to people in the first place. God, all the stuff you're saying would be fine, if it actually applied to me.

Oh and blah blah blah, this is really redundant, this talk of there's no law that people have to like me. That is so extremely obvious to me, I don't even need you to pour salt in the wound. Also, what am I afraid of? Afraid of something that never even happens in the first place? No I'm not fucking afraid to talk to someone I just wish that it would fucking happen. Even on okcupid conversations only last a few sentences, then they don't really go anywhere. This world is just getting to be so impersonal, we've lost all ability to connect with others.

You think I'm a fucking brooding loser? Screw you. I think that's crap how people only like someone if they're not upset. People are selfish, greedy fucking pigs. They're so blind to what a person is actually like, what if a person was upset but was actually an interesting person? I guess everyone really does wish that people who are depressed would just fucking die. That's all they care about is superficial crap like who can behave the happiest, and hold up their stupid, fucking facade of life. I don't like people like that, people like that who are so absorbed in their own self confidence, I wish they would go fucking die.

KUSA is right? Okay so basically, I just have to act like I have really good qualities in front of others, then the person who I desire will notice. First of all I have no fucking idea where to find said person who you think I will be able to get them to notice me. I go to places in real life all the time, what do you think I can do to get noticed? This is one of the things that really pisses me off about people. All the time they will tell me that if I'm tired of being on the computer then I should just go outside and find someone to be friends with. I don't even get a chance to talk with people when I'm outside my house, it never happens.

Okay so if I'm supposed to just go outside and find someone to be friends with, I guess you could just tell scientists "oh, if you're so tired of not discovering extraterrestrial life, why don't you just get on your fucking telescope and find some extraterrestrial life?" What the fuck. No, whoever is reading this, stop thinking about whatever retort you're trying to make, just ask yourself whether or not you feel like you're fucking wrong. Please. Once you find the person, then do you get to stop putting up the incredibly energy consuming effort of the charade anyways?

Let me tell you something big boy. I think that what people say about real life being the place where people are real is wrong. In real life you are absolutely fake. People don't get to see any side of your in real life because they don't see anything about you besides your skin and some fucking lies we spew out of our mouths. Online people get to be who they really want to be, they actually get to say things they want to say and show sides of themselves they wouldn't otherwise show. 

Okay, so now that I've thoroughly torn apart this aggravating text, I'd like to see someone tell me how I'm wrong about all of this, using quotes and refutations and not just some declarative statement that I'm supposed to take at face value.

[KUSA]

Alright Despo,

Let's make things easier on you. You say that you have no way of meeting people. There are limitless dating websites out there that can help you out with that. Have you tried one of them yet?

[DespondentFishdeathMasochismo]

Alright Despo,

Let's make things easier on you. You say that you have no way of meeting people. There are limitless dating websites out there that can help you out with that. Have you tried one of them yet?

Yep. I said that in that post you didn't read right above you.

[Redbeard The Pink]

My experience has been that the less I'm worried about getting into a relationship, the easier it is to get into one. Desperation is the human world's foremost turn-off, and unfortunately when you're lonely and desperate for companionship, it's nearly impossible to come off as someone who isn't desperate.


The trick is to find an activity that you legitimately enjoy and that makes you comfortable and that is also a social activity, and then throw yourself into that thing and stop worrying about meeting someone. I know that sounds counterintuitive, but it consistently gets me into relationships faster than anything else I've tried.


What this does is give you a chance to interact with people without worrying about whether you're screwing up your chances with them (which will make you seem more confident and less desperate), and it will give people a chance to see you happy and enjoying yourself, which is actually what people are initially attracted to in most cases. It will also give you a reason to talk to people that has nothing to do with whether you're getting with them, which will make it easier to talk to people in the first place.


If you don't enjoy going to bars and drinking, then stop going to them. You're never going to meet someone that way. People go to bars to drink and have a good time, which is what makes them good places for those people to hook up; they look happy and confident because they're enjoying themselves, so they attract people. Unless going to a bar is giving you legitimate enjoyment, your chances of finding someone in a bar are basically nil, especially if people can tell you're going there to pick someone up and not to drink.


Basically what I'm telling you is that if you want a relationship, you have to either act like you don't care if you're in one, or you have to actually not care whether you're in one. The best way to do that is to put yourself in situations where you can have fun and interact with people on a completely platonic basis. If you do that long enough, eventually you will most likely trip over someone who's attracted to you and willing to put forth the effort to make sure you know that, and in the mean time you'll be less worried about whether that happens because you won't be so bored.


I met both my first wife and my current one by going to a nerdy game shop to play Magic: The Gathering. Not even joking. I wasn't going there to hook up; I was going to have fun. I just happened to run into some people who are attracted to people having fun and who liked some of the same things I liked, and we started talking about things we like, and one thing led to another.


So find something to do, and forget about relationships. I know that seems like giving up, but it's actually the opposite. Join a swim team, a chess club...it doesn't really matter, so long as there are people there and you're having fun.

[Aoi Magi]

haha, if only finding the right person were so easy... sigh.

You say you visit concerts and such and yet cannot hit up a conversation? Do you expect someone to just approach you and start chatting? Maybe they are thinking the same thing...

You need to put yourself in more social situations and need to learn some social skills. So maybe you are not yet ready for one-to-one conversations, it is a lot easier to talk with a group of people anyway, so whenever you see a group of people chatting, listen and understand the topic and try to chime in.

And yes, always being yourself is not the best option, because not changing yourself when you need to and expecting people will like you for it is just being selfish.

[Redbeard The Pink]

Oh, and bring friends with you, especially if you're going to keep trying bars and concerts. People seem more socially capable if they're in a group with other people.

[DespondentFishdeathMasochismo]

I wish there was something I could do that I would enjoy. I just don't want to do something where I get mixed up with a bunch of people outside my age group. It fucking sucked when I signed up for a drawing class at my local art center, it was all old people. I quit within like one day. I have been trying to find something that I would enjoy doing for such a long time, I don't know what I could possibly do that I would enjoy myself in. I hate standing around alone at concerts, I fucking despise being at school, there just doesn't seem to be a way to communicate with anyone. It pisses me off how in our culture, nothing is really expected of you to have meaningful relations with those who live around you. It's so lonely. My parents pay for an apartment for me, I dread the prospect of going back to school because it's fucking torture in there, I also hate the prospect of getting a job because I would still be unhappy.

---

Oh, and bring friends with you, especially if you're going to keep trying bars and concerts. People seem more socially capable if they're in a group with other people.

I don't even know a single person's phone number in my area. That's not an option.

[Aoi Magi]

What do you like to do in your real life, other than brooding? play games? music? fitness? anything?

[DespondentFishdeathMasochismo]

What do you like to do in your real life, other than brooding? play games? music? fitness? anything?

I like to listen to music and argue about music on 4chan's music board a lot. That's probably the thing I've done most in my whole life tbh. I'm also really obsessive about healthy eating. I play video games a little bit, I also play guitar. I've been playing instruments from a young age.