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RE: joke time
December 18, 2015 at 8:01 am
I went to the doctor the other day because I might have a problem with my prostrate.
He says "I can't feel anything unusual"...
I says " are you sure you're doing it right?
He says "Please! I've been doing this for 20 years! Why do you ask?
I says "I just didn't think that both your hands needed to be on my shoulders, that's all.
No God, No fear.
Know God, Know fear.
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RE: joke time
December 19, 2015 at 2:10 pm
Fed up...I borrowed a friend £6000 to get plastic surgery,
I can't get my money back because I don't know what she looks like..
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RE: joke time
December 19, 2015 at 3:38 pm
(December 19, 2015 at 2:10 pm)Nontheist Wrote: Fed up...I borrowed a friend £6000 to get plastic surgery,
I can't get my money back because I don't know what she looks like..
Ok I think you mean "lent " there.......sorry to be pedantic but for some reason that bugged me.
You can fix ignorance, you can't fix stupid.
Tinkety Tonk and down with the Nazis.
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RE: joke time
December 19, 2015 at 3:44 pm
No I mean lended
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RE: joke time
December 19, 2015 at 3:55 pm
(December 19, 2015 at 3:44 pm)Nontheist Wrote: No I mean lended
I try-der-did to lenderdid myself some wonderfulness but I came back with a waste of a silly forums' post by my turtley self.
This is that post...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_Tt3X0J-nE
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RE: joke time
December 19, 2015 at 7:15 pm
(December 19, 2015 at 3:44 pm)Nontheist Wrote: No I mean lended That joke wasn't thunk through proply!
No God, No fear.
Know God, Know fear.
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RE: joke time
December 19, 2015 at 8:21 pm
A married couple are having breakfast when suddenly the husband asks, 'If I died, would you re-marry?'
Surprised at the question, the wife asks, 'Are you alright?'
'Oh, I'm fine, in terrific shape. I was just curious if you'd re-marry .'
Truly upset now, the wife answers, 'That's a horrid question. We're having a lovely breakfast and you bring up death. I'm not going to answer that.' And she doesn't, but the husband continues to pester her for the next few days. She's finally had enough and blurts out, 'OK, fine. Yes, I would get married again if you died.'
'Hmm. Would you and your new husband sell our house?'
'No, that wouldn't make sense. I mean, the memories would be painful for a bit, but it's a perfectly nice house, so no, I don't think I'd sell.'
'What about our bed - would you sell that?'
'You're crazy - that bed's practically new. I imagine we'd keep it.'
'Would you let him use my golf clubs?'
'Don't be silly. He's left-handed.'
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
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RE: joke time
December 20, 2015 at 5:02 pm
A married couple (a different one from the last joke) are watching telly in the evening when the husband announces he's going for a pack of cigarettes.
He walks to the pub just down the road, gets his smokes and figures he'll have a quick drink before heading home. In a few minutes, a stunningly beautiful woman joins him at the bar and asks if he'd like to buy her a drink. They chat for a bit and the woman tells him, 'I live just across the road. Care to come over and get to know me better?' Against his better judgment, the man agrees, they go to her place and things proceed as they generally do in jokes like this one. Exhausted from his exertions, the man falls asleep.
Suddenly, the man wakes up and sees by the bedside clock that it's 4:00 am. Utterly panicked, he fumbles into his clothes and asks the woman, 'Quick, do you have any talcum powder?!'
Puzzled, the woman says, 'Erm, yes. In the bathroom, but what...?'
'Never mind!' shouts the man. He makes a mad dash for the bath, covers his hands with the talc, sprints out the door and up the road to his own home.
Naturally, his missus is standing at the door, looking like the Angel of Death on a particularly bad day.
'Ok, you bastard,' she glowers at him. 'What have you got to say for yourself?'
'Sweetheart, I went to the pub for cigarettes and met a beautiful woman. We had a couple of drinks, then went back to her place and made mad passionate love. When I woke up, it was four in the morning and I came right home.'
'Oh, really?' she sneers. 'Show me your hands.'
He holds up his talcum-covered hands and his wife screams, 'I knew it, you lying fuck! You've been bowling again!'
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
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RE: joke time
December 20, 2015 at 6:34 pm
For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.
Handing the attendant $3.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.."
You make people miserable and there's nothing they can do about it, just like god.
-- Homer Simpson
God has no place within these walls, just as facts have no place within organized religion.
-- Superintendent Chalmers
Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends. There are some things we don't want to know. Important things.
-- Ned Flanders
Once something's been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral.
-- The Rev Lovejoy
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RE: joke time
December 20, 2015 at 6:37 pm
You know you're getting older when...
Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
You make people miserable and there's nothing they can do about it, just like god.
-- Homer Simpson
God has no place within these walls, just as facts have no place within organized religion.
-- Superintendent Chalmers
Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends. There are some things we don't want to know. Important things.
-- Ned Flanders
Once something's been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral.
-- The Rev Lovejoy
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