Understanding Narcissism

[Joods]

Everyone has narcissim to a degree. For the most part, those levels are healthy. I bash on narcissists because after personally dealing with one for the last 16 years, having him drag me through the family court system, lie under oath, manipulate my family and my children, verbally and emotionally abuse me long after the relationship ended and who still manipulates judges, lawyers and psychiatrists alike, I can tell you wholeheartedly, 

I am NOT jealous. There is no jealousy to be had for someone who is that cold, ruthless and inconsiderate to the levels that he should be in jail for some of the things he has done to both myself and my children. 

Nope. The sheer amount of hell that man has put me though - a person just can't make this stuff up. And sadly, I am not alone in this.

I feel for you, Nymph. But you're judging that man for his actions, not for his character. Don't conflate the two. People can have certain debilitating qualities to a degree and still be able to function normally. I guess what I'm saying is don't paint everyone you meet that reminds you even slightly of your ex with the same brush.

Well you aren't privy to know what I know about this man. I was intimate with him for years and we have a child together. He has done horrendous things and he has behaved in such a way that is very questionable. Until you've walked in my shoes, please do not assume that I am judging him solely on his actions. You know nothing of the kind of "character" he is.

[Joods]

Judging from his behavior and how he has been for the last 11 years, I'd say psychopathic narcissist fits him to a tee.




Translation: 

Narcissism, in it's most horrendous form, allows the narcissist to continue manipulating and abusing their victim. Once a narcissist has made a decision, he/she will stop at nothing to hurt their victim and then swoop in to become the rescuer, thereby creating a constant supply on which to feed. Unless the victim finally becomes aware of this tactic, they will forever be left wondering what they did wrong to deserve the kind of often confusing treatment they receive from the narcissist. Meanwhile, the narcissist, having love-bombed their victim, is put on a pedestal by the victim because of the successful manipulation by the narcissist. The narcissist knows this is all a game of cat and mouse and loves to use their victim as a play toy. Once the victim becomes wise to the narcissists tactics and they can see through the narcissist's mask, the narcissist either promptly disposes of the victim, in search of another or they beg for another chance, often promising to change, but rarely are capable of doing so. 

Removing the narcissists mask is also a surefire way to ensure that more desparate actions are to follow if the narc cannot find a new victim for their need of supply.

I think you may just be using your ex as the definition for "narcissism" when he may have something far worse.  Could he be a psychopath or just some garden variety mean, sadistic SOB?

[Jesster]

I feel for you, Nymph. But you're judging that man for his actions, not for his character. Don't conflate the two. People can have certain debilitating qualities to a degree and still be able to function normally. I guess what I'm saying is don't paint everyone you meet that reminds you even slightly of your ex with the same brush.

Well you aren't privy to know what I know about this man. I was intimate with him for years and we have a child together. He has done horrendous things and he has behaved in such a way that is very questionable. Until you've walked in my shoes, please do not assume that I am judging him solely on his actions. You know nothing of the kind of "character" he is.

Again, I think we are on the same page, Nymphadora. I was in a previous marriage with pretty much the same person. It's a living hell that I don't wish on anyone. It's tough to understand it unless you've been there.

[Joods]

Well you aren't privy to know what I know about this man. I was intimate with him for years and we have a child together. He has done horrendous things and he has behaved in such a way that is very questionable. Until you've walked in my shoes, please do not assume that I am judging him solely on his actions. You know nothing of the kind of "character" he is.

Again, I think we are on the same page, Nymphadora. I was in a previous marriage with pretty much the same person. It's a living hell that I don't wish on anyone. It's tough to understand it unless you've been there.

So much this. Until others have walked in our shoes, they simply have no idea and think we're just talking crazy or over exaggerating things.

[Excited Penguin]

Nymph, I can't imagine what you've gone through with that man, nor did I intend to come across as if I did. What I said came out very wrong, and I'm sorry for that. I don't want to aggravate my mistake, but I'll try to explain what I meant.

I didn't question your judgement of his character, I simply wondered if you aren't prone to judge others harsher than they deserve based on a slight resemblance of character they might have with him, which might not run that deep upon closer inspection. That's all.

[Whateverist]

The funny thing for me is that my first wife was probably a bigger narcissist than I was even in my prime. I was fortunate she left. I think smoking pot accentuated my narcissism and accelerated my realization of the downside of that condition, not directly but by way of therapy. By the time I met my current wife I was quite aware that being known for the real me was as important as getting to know her. My current wife was more recently out of a bad marriage and so I suggested we do some pre-emptive couples counseling as a kind of reality check. I think it helped us get off to a good start.

As a reformed narcissist I still enjoy inflated self worth but no longer look for validation from anyone else. Whatever hand you're dealt you have challenges. I don't think dealing with narcissism has been crippling and neither do I feel a lot of remorse for anything along the way. I think I'm pretty considerate of others naturally but now I don't feel as entitled to anyone's appreciation or respect. Every now and then I still feel impulses to rage when I feel disrespected or under-appreciated. I just try to remember everyone is different and none of them are answerable to me.

[Joods]

Nymph, I can't imagine what you've gone through with that man, nor did I intend to come across as if I did. What I said came out very wrong, and I'm sorry for that. I don't want to aggravate my mistake, but I'll try to explain what I meant.

I didn't question your judgement of his character, I simply wondered if you aren't prone to judge others harsher than they deserve based on a slight resemblance of character they might have with him, which might not run that deep upon closer inspection. That's all.

Well, I try to consider that everyone is different. I know some people are not near as bad as my ex is. But even I have to admit, given my experience,  think many (not all) tend to get worse given the right scenario.

I'm more than willing to own that. My ex caused me to be diagnosed with PTSD and thanks to some of the shit he got away with, I'm constantly looking over my shoulder, checking my doors, seeing who's driving down my street, etc. Because of him, I've had serious trust issues for several years now.

There are many days when I hate myself for what was done to me and for not having the common sense to see it sooner.

[Gemini]

He told me I would be a world class computer gamer and win tournaments online, he told me my electronic music would become extremely successful and he told me I would become rich playing professional poker. He told my brother his art was not just amazing (it really really is, my brother's art is amazing) but he also said he would be the next Leonardo Da Vinci.

[...]

My dad wouldn't just not accept liminations but he wouldn't accept ordinariness. That's why he was always proud of being weird, wacky, zany, different. He instilled that in me so hard that I don't like being ordinary myself, in the sense that ordinariness bores me. I love weirdness.

But he went further than finding ordinariness boring. He was against healthy balance and moderation and normality, he'd rather fail than be average. He said that 99% of people are like sheep and are stupid and that him his wife and his children were part of the 1% who are geniuses and different.

That kind of manic egotism, dyfunctional as it is, is well regarded within religious communities. It served my Dad pretty well. But even an offer to work a steady job writing curriculum for fundy schools was too passé for him. He was on the radio, briefly, but he didn't get the opportunity to become of those obnoxious conservative christian radio personalities due to the fact that he clashed so much with his boss. Over trivial stuff. How to say "W." My Dad was just going to do it his way, and in the meantime the family had to hike out through the woods to the grocery store because we didn't have a working car.

My dad too. Merely the crazy goal-setting itself is enough to send him on a high until he inevitably has to deal with his highly idealistic delusion of grandeur, get depressed again and then move onto the next crazy goal.

You ever seen that episode of The Simpsons where Homer joins a Biker gang and says something like "A gang! That's the answer!" and Lisa says "answer to what?".

My dad was doing that all the time. When he was on his next high it would start with "Aha! THAT'S the answer" before he inevitably realized it was all bullshit and recharged before moving onto the next "answer".

Answer to what? Life the universe and everything. His favorite number was 42 after all.

He's an extremely interesting human being... but not always in a good way!!!!

If my Dad were a bit more intellectually curious then he could have been interesting, but as it was, he was mostly a boor. I took after my mother for the most part. She read a lot. Dad was too self-absorbed to have much of an affect on us once we reached our teens; it's really like he's stuck in a very childish mindset. Which makes him a nice Grandpa, for my boys. When he pays attention to them. Usually his visits consist of him reading his email or long monologues about the project he's working on.

[GrandizerII]

My father can't read and even turn on a computer, and despite evidence to the contrary, thinks himself to be the brightest and sanest man in the history of mankind. And yes, I think it's safe for me to say my father definitely has something going on that may be NPD or something close enough. Was often emotionally abusive to us (especially during my teenage years and early twenties) and even more abusive towards my mother, always blaming her for everything that he saw gone "wrong" in the family, even though he was the one in control of the relationship the whole time. And not once did he ever praise his own sons and daughter for anything, despite us having contributed a lot to the family and helping him out whenever he asked for it. If it was neglect and lack of praise, fair enough. I could cope with that easily. But he had to constantly put us down as well, and never admit he fucked up. Got to the point where I flirted with the idea of murdering him at one point. Thankfully, that didn't get anywhere close to building up to become a reality, but the temptation was faintly there.

Now that we live apart, things are relatively more peaceful between me and him, but I have to always be wary (in the back of my mind) not to get too involved with in activities with him. Better to always keep a distance whenever I can, so I may tolerate myself interacting with him when I have to.

[Silver]

I am narcissistic about my hair and facial skin and eyes (contacts). That's about it. I outgrew the skinny body phase, at least, thank you beer gut.