joke time

[Brian37]

I hate typos.  You transpose just two letters, and the whole post is urined.

Boru

I love how some businesses offer free samples, but the urologist is not the place anyone would want to be offered such. But, doesn't it piss everyone off that banks don't offer free samples?

[Cyberman]

I had a letter about a blood test once that said I was type A, but it was a typo.

[The Valkyrie]

I had a letter about a blood test once that said I was type A, but it was a typo.

And this is why we should be allowed to shoot patients.

[Fireball]

I had a letter about a blood test once that said I was type A, but it was a typo.

And this is why we should be allowed to shoot patients.

Does the needling never end?!?

---

I went to the liquor store Tuesday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of bourbon and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank it all before I cycled home.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

[Darinda]

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.
 
At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt the manager to finish waiting on a customer. When Walt was finished with the costumer, Mary asked 'How much for that faucet?'
 
Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'
 
'My goodness that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.
 
From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'
 
Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'
 
.................. And this is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

[Rhondazvous]

These three guys signed up to be recruited into the CIA.
They put each man in a room where there was a door and told him his wife was behind the door. They gave each man a gun and told him to go in and kill his wife.

The first man refused outright. So they laughed him out of the room.

The second man went behind the door but came right out saying he just couldn’t do it.

The third man went behind the door and stayed. There was a thudding sound, then the man came out.

Man: You idiots forgot to load this thing. I had to pistol whip her.

[Darinda]

Leroy is a 20 year-old inner-city 5th grader. This is Leroy's 
homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence. 

1. Hotel - 
I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tell everybody. 

2. Dictate - 
My girlfriend say my dictate good. 

3. Catacomb - 
I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get 
that catacomb. 

4. Foreclose - 
If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose. 

5. Rectum - 
I had two Cadillac's, but my bitch rectum both. 

6. Disappointment - 
My parole officer tol ' me if I miss disappointment they gonna 
send me back to the joint. 

7. Penis - 
I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis. 

8. Israel - 
Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, 'man, it look fake.' He 
say, 'Bullshit, that watch israel'. 

9 . Undermine - 
There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine. 

10. Acoustic - 
When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic, and took me 
to the poolhall. 

11. Iraq - 
When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle; iraq, you break. 

12 Stain - 
My mother-i n-law stopped by and I axed her, 'Do you plan 
on stain for dinner?' 

13. Fortify - 
I axed this ho on da street, 'how much?' she say ' fortify.' 

14. Income - 
I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife

[Darinda]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Marrero fire station when he noticed a little girl 
nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in 
the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and 
her cat. 

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.

 "Thanks," the girl replied. 

The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar had another chord 
tied to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie 
that other rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren." 

[Minimalist]

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.
 
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.  On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.  On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replied, "You moron, you're on my side."
 




A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins." shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross." 
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off."  She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"

[Brian37]

How many Trumps does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Don't be ridiculous, as if he could.