joke time

[Brian37]

The coach went from Penn State to the State pen.

[Darinda]

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "You had a
good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock'n-roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony." 

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." 

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"Yes," replied the elderly priest, 
"and I appreciate that BUT...
the flashing neon sign
'Toot'n Tell or Go to Hell' 
cannot stay on the church roof."

[Fireball]

An eldery lady, braless under a tight fitting teeshirt, asks her husband, “George do I look younger this way”? He replys “Yes Marge it takes all of the wrinkles out of your face.”

[Dave B]

The pharmacy door banged open and Mr Smith crashed in, coughing like mad.

"Give me a new cough medicine, that last stuff was useless crap!" he shouted.

The pharmacist replied, "Now, Mr Smith, I will ask you - once again - to please see your doctor about your cough, it's been a month now and nothing has worked."

"Just give me new stuff, OK!?"

"OK," says the pharmacist, "try this," and passes Smith a bottle, which he swigs about half of, without even looking at it, puts the bottle in his pocket, pays for and leaves.

"But, but . . ," says the assistant, "that was a laxative, not a cough mixture!"

"I know," replied the pharmacist, "it is totally unprofessional but I am fed up with that man. Give it twenty minutes and he won't dare cough!"

[ignoramus]

2 silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

[Darinda]

Cajun Fire Insurance

A man and his wife moved back home to Louisiana from Arizona . The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Arizona was $2,000.00 a year!!!

When they arrived in Louisiana , they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg. The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, "$39.00."

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Louisiana to insure, because it cost him $2,000.00 in Arizona !!!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said,
"Well, here it is on the screen. it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00."

I always have found theLouisiana logic far superior to that of most other states.
 

[Dave B]

Apropos, sort of, my last joke.

[Dave B]

At an interfaith conference two very junior members, a rabbi and a Roman Catholic priest, were seated next to each other.

A server came round with a dish of various meats for the salad course. The priest took some very nice Parma ham, the rabbi some gefette fish. The priest decided to poke fun at the rabbi.

"Tell me, is it true that your faith disallows you from eating any meat of the pig?"

"This is so," replied the rabbi.

"But, perhaps when you were younger, in your rasher days, were you tempted to wonder why and try this forbidden food?"

The rabbi muttered a prayer and said, "Yes, whilst on an exchange in America I tried ham and eggs, may I be forgiven."

"Did you enjoy it at the time?"

Sigh, "Yes..."

The priest smirks, feeling smug. The rabbi thinks how he can get his own back. "Tell me," he says, "this rule about celibacy, is it absolute?"

"But yes," the priest admits, "we must remain pure of earthly desire."

"But were you perhaps tempted from this virtuous path at any time, had carnal knowledge of a woman?"

The priest crosses himself and admits, "Yes, at the seminary, there was this laundry girl . . ."

"Hmm," says the rabbi, "much nicer than bacon isn't it?"

---

On London's Speakers' Corner the aspiring politician was trying to overcome the hecklers.

"Please, please," he shouted, "I can't even hear myself above your shouting!"

As the noise reduced a little one voice was heard above the rest, "Don't worry mate, you're not missing anything!"

---

When I was in education I was determined to learn everything, science, philosophy, art, languages etc. Trouble was I suffered from terrible dyslexia.

So now I am a fully qualified gollypot and mollypath.

[Brian37]

True story.

Often I like to make a friendly joke when calling business call centers, quite often at the end of the call the worker will ask, "Is there anything else I can help you with today?" I like to respond, "Can you get me a date with Angelina Jolie".... They laugh, and up until today all I have gotten with laugh in their response was, "Nope, sorry we cant help you with that."

BUT, Today, I called up my car insurance forgetting I had paid on time, wondering if I was late, and after she confirmed I had already paid, asked me the same thing, "Is there anything else I can help you with today?"

I said the same thing, "Can you get me a date with Angelina Jolie"...... BUT TODAY THE RESPONSE WAS....................

"I'll get right on that."

And actually my humor in asking for things a business doesn't sell, came from an old episode of Three's Company, the sitcom. Janet had lost her job to a mean co worker back stabber, so Mr Ferley went in posing as a customer while the regional manager was overseeing the back stabbing co worker, pretending to be a customer.

He kept on asking for mere nails in a flower shop, to the point she got loud and frustrated, the manager came out and ask the customer 'Mr Ferley" what the problem was.  He responded with an innocent look, "Do you have any Chrysanthemums?"

The back stabber tried to explain to her boss "He was asking for nails"

In the end she didn't believe her fired her and hired Janet back.

Today I was joking with  the lady at the Chinese joint about how predictable I was ordering the same thing every time. I said "Next time I am going to order a suit and tie and a hat."

[Haipule]

True story:

I have a pre-arranged joke that if anyone tells me their dream, I will elaborately convince them that it means they are secretly gay.

One time it backfired and the joke was on me: A female co-worker told me that she "had a weird dream last night". I told her that I was an interpreter of dreams. I was ready with my pre-arranged answer when she said, "I dreamed I was wrapped in a rainbow". I couldn't stop laughing!

---

A fish swims into a wall and says, "DAM!"