joke time

[Darinda]

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact: "Marion, Marion."
 
"Is that you, Bob?"
 
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
 
"That's wonderful!  What's it like?"
 
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -- lots of greens).  Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.  Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".
 
"Oh, Bob!  Are you in Heaven?"
 
"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona." 

---

A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece .. 
In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.
To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.
At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed:
 
"OH!! Limp pricks!"
Over the next two and a half millenniums that morphed into " Olympics". 
Just thought I'd share this new found knowledge with you..You're very welcome..

[vulcanlogician]

The rabbit one was awesome.

[Cyberman]

Kenneth Williams told a story about a book-signing he did. A woman came up and apparently said "Emma Chiswick", so he signed the book something like "With love to Emma Chiswick". She looked at it, looked up and said "What's this?" He said "It's your name". She replied "I said ' 'Ow much is it?' "

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

100 years ago, nearly everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.  Today, nearly everyone owns a car and only the rich have horses.

My, how the stables have turned.

Boru

[Brian37]

So this guy takes his first overseas plane trip, sees a sign at a airport shop that says "Duty Free".

He thinks to himself, "I fucking hope so, that would be unsanitary if it allowed duty."

[Dave B]

Jimmy was a true patriot and was pleased to find that he could buy condoms that were coloured red, white and blue. He bought a pack and took them home.

Some time later his wife, Tilly, went clothes shopping. The assistant saw her looking and asked what she was after.

"Maternity smocks and pants," Tilly replied.

"What bust?" asked the assistant 

"The blue one."

[Darinda]

Men.......Reasons for Sensitivity Training

 

* I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

 

* The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 21, and her name's Kathy.

 

* Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

 

* The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

 

* A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

 

* I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

 

* My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

 

* The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway

[Darinda]

Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'
 

Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home....
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new 
hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ed.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

He was overcome with emotion as he 
experienced motherhood.

He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

"Ed, wake up! You shit the bed!"

Getting OLD just ain't what they said it  would be!

[Cod]

Two caterpillars are looking up to a butterfly, one says to the other "You'll never get me up in one of them"

[Darinda]

[img]http://ekladata.com/[email protected][/img]

I have already informed my  family that I will not be able to afford an expensive 
nursing home which would allow me to die with dignity. 
Therefore, I have moved to the Keys so that I can spend my final years enjoying
life and dying with Dignity!
 
....
.....
 
Oh, and by the way .... 
 
...
...           
 
Dignity said to say hello!