Hello, New atheist having a meltdown

[Dragonfly]

I just came to this realization tonight, and I feel absolutely devastated and lost. I'm a 50-year-old woman who's spent her life making choices based on religion. There is no God to comfort me, guide me, protect me, or intervene in my life. There is no Heaven. I will never see my family, friends, or pets again once they/I die. My entire schema for living has fallen apart. I feel devastated and terrified.  

If you have any guidance, please help me. 

thanks,

dragonfly

Goodness, you certainly do sound you need to talk this out. I'm in the same category as your boyfriend so I can't intuit what you're going through but as you've already seen, there are others here who have gone through the deconversion thing. I hope you find what you need here.

Yes, I'm doing what I can. Went to a Skeptics meetup last night and talked with the host, who gave me the name of someone who was a fundamentalist who became an Atheist and can hopefully help me through this. Then tonight, we had dinner with an Atheist couple, one of whom had been Mormon. His process was more gradual, but he still experienced some of the same things. They gave me some support and insight. I have an appointment with a psychologist tomorrow. Unfortunately, she's not a secular therapist, but maybe she can still help me with support for an existential crisis. 

So I'll keep working at it. Glad I found you guys. Thanks for your support. 

[Fireball]

Goodness, you certainly do sound you need to talk this out. I'm in the same category as your boyfriend so I can't intuit what you're going through but as you've already seen, there are others here who have gone through the deconversion thing. I hope you find what you need here.

Yes, I'm doing what I can. Went to a Skeptics meetup last night and talked with the host, who gave me the name of someone who was a fundamentalist who became an Atheist and can hopefully help me through this. Then tonight, we had dinner with an Atheist couple, one of whom had been Mormon. His process was more gradual, but he still experienced some of the same things. They gave me some support and insight. I have an appointment with a psychologist tomorrow. Unfortunately, she's not a secular therapist, but maybe she can still help me with support for an existential crisis. 

So I'll keep working at it. Glad I found you guys. Thanks for your support. 

If she starts pushing jeebus, you know where the door is. I hammered through all that shit alone, because that's just the hard-headed kind of shit I am. I won't deny that psychological advice/counseling wouldn't have helped, but that's just how I am.

[Seraphina]

Hello, 

I was raised in an evangelical Christian fundamentalist home. Fourteen years ago I couldn't take it anymore but couldn't stand the feeling of being "nothing," and Judaism seemed to be a much kinder, truer religion, so I astonished my family by converting to Judaism. I fell away from Judaism over the years, got very religious again a couple of months ago, but just couldn't get anything out of it. Since Rosh Hashanah a couple of weeks ago, I really started searching. I talked with a rabbi, visited a church again and felt totally disillusioned. I've spent countless hours in the last week studying atheism, creationism, religion, philosophy, science, cosmology, evolution, myth, etc., and one by one my beliefs broke. Evolution happened, the world wasn't created in six days, the Big Bang happened, there is no God. I've been hanging onto a delusion out of fear. 

I just came to this realization tonight, and I feel absolutely devastated and lost. I'm a 50-year-old woman who's spent her life making choices based on religion. There is no God to comfort me, guide me, protect me, or intervene in my life. There is no Heaven. I will never see my family, friends, or pets again once they/I die. My entire schema for living has fallen apart. I feel devastated and terrified.  

If you have any guidance, please help me. 

thanks,

dragonfly

Hi and welcome!
I'm close to your age and decided I don't believe in any god anymore in my mid 30s. I had been taking baby steps towards dropping religion over the years although I didn't realize that until putting the pieces to the puzzle together in hindsight.

You're gonna be ok! Atheism has opened a whole new exciting and intellectual world for me and I hope it does for you too.

Stick around here and you'll hear a variety of interesting viewpoints.

-Teresa

[Dragonfly]

Hello, 

I was raised in an evangelical Christian fundamentalist home. Fourteen years ago I couldn't take it anymore but couldn't stand the feeling of being "nothing," and Judaism seemed to be a much kinder, truer religion, so I astonished my family by converting to Judaism. I fell away from Judaism over the years, got very religious again a couple of months ago, but just couldn't get anything out of it. Since Rosh Hashanah a couple of weeks ago, I really started searching. I talked with a rabbi, visited a church again and felt totally disillusioned. I've spent countless hours in the last week studying atheism, creationism, religion, philosophy, science, cosmology, evolution, myth, etc., and one by one my beliefs broke. Evolution happened, the world wasn't created in six days, the Big Bang happened, there is no God. I've been hanging onto a delusion out of fear. 

I just came to this realization tonight, and I feel absolutely devastated and lost. I'm a 50-year-old woman who's spent her life making choices based on religion. There is no God to comfort me, guide me, protect me, or intervene in my life. There is no Heaven. I will never see my family, friends, or pets again once they/I die. My entire schema for living has fallen apart. I feel devastated and terrified.  

If you have any guidance, please help me. 

thanks,

dragonfly

Wow, that does sound really scary. I never had to "deconvert," so to speak, so I've never had this experience. Life as your own guiding force and being the one you have to answer to isn't so bad. It'll keep you true to yourself. It will just take some adjustment, I think. There are other ways to assuage your fears other than gods, or you can embrace your fear and live life accordingly. I can understand your fear, though. Nevertheless, living a lie your whole life has to be worse than this transition, so I hope you find comfort in that. We have a lot of "deconverts" here. They probably have more wisdom than I on the topic. Good luck, dragonfly.

Thanks so much. Yes, if I can just push through this and keep reading, keep talking with atheists, keep learning, I think things will settle down. I've been searching the forums and will probably run across some others who have had a similar (stressful) reaction to discovering the things they were taught were a load of BS. I appreciate your support.

[Angrboda]

I recommend ice cream. A lot of ice cream.

[The Grand Nudger]

There is no God to comfort me, guide me, protect me, or intervene in my life. There is no Heaven. I will never see my family, friends, or pets again once they/I die. My entire schema for living has fallen apart. I feel devastated and terrified.  

Welcome aboard.  

IDK if it will help, but look at it in a different light.  You never had any of those things before - and you've made it half a century.  It was always you comforting, guiding, protecting, intervening.  With friends, family, and pets, too.  

Sounds like heaven to me.

[Bob Kelso]

Hey there, Dragonfly! Welcome aboard!

As someone who has also grown up under the thumb of Christianity I completely sympathize with what you’re going through. Losing that god/heaven safety net -as imaginary as it turned out to be- can be pretty upsetting, even devastating.

You’ve lost a significant figure, one you relied on for all kinds of support. The good news is, like Khem said, that was all you to begin with. You’ve got that same strength to do things and move on, you just don’t need that supernatural crutch anymore.

I hope you stick around, and good luck! We’re happy to talk with you anytime.

[Minimalist]

How hard could it be to give this up?






Proof, if any were needed, that white people can't dance.

[robvalue]

There is no God to comfort me, guide me, protect me, or intervene in my life. There is no Heaven. I will never see my family, friends, or pets again once they/I die. My entire schema for living has fallen apart. I feel devastated and terrified.  

Welcome aboard.  

IDK if it will help, but look at it in a different light.  You never had any of those things before - and you've made it half a century.  It was always you comforting, guiding, protecting, intervening.  With friends, family, and pets, too.  

Sounds like heaven to me.

That's exactly the thing. Religion often teaches people to give it all the credit, instead of people crediting themselves and the people around them.

To take a couple of examples: if you thought God was guiding and protecting you for all this time, that means you've actually done a great job of finding your own way, and keeping yourself safe.

[Dragonfly]

Yes, I'm doing what I can. Went to a Skeptics meetup last night and talked with the host, who gave me the name of someone who was a fundamentalist who became an Atheist and can hopefully help me through this. Then tonight, we had dinner with an Atheist couple, one of whom had been Mormon. His process was more gradual, but he still experienced some of the same things. They gave me some support and insight. I have an appointment with a psychologist tomorrow. Unfortunately, she's not a secular therapist, but maybe she can still help me with support for an existential crisis. 

So I'll keep working at it. Glad I found you guys. Thanks for your support. 

If she starts pushing jeebus, you know where the door is. I hammered through all that shit alone, because that's just the hard-headed kind of shit I am. I won't deny that psychological advice/counseling wouldn't have helped, but that's just how I am.

She did. Instead of counseling me and helping me through an existential crisis, she kept challenging me. I'd say one thing, and she'd say "so you're making a choice." Or when she asked what I thought religion had been for me up until now, I said a crutch, and she bristled at that with, "That sounds like you hold a lot of resentment toward Christianity." Around and around we went. She couldn't understand that I'm not anti-theist, I just lost my belief. She was incredibly biased and admitted it at one point. It was a complete waste of time. I told her that I never wanted to be a part of the atheism "club." I simply wanted truth, and this is where it led me. It's not a happy truth for me yet, but hopefully it will be someday.

Hello, 

I was raised in an evangelical Christian fundamentalist home. Fourteen years ago I couldn't take it anymore but couldn't stand the feeling of being "nothing," and Judaism seemed to be a much kinder, truer religion, so I astonished my family by converting to Judaism. I fell away from Judaism over the years, got very religious again a couple of months ago, but just couldn't get anything out of it. Since Rosh Hashanah a couple of weeks ago, I really started searching. I talked with a rabbi, visited a church again and felt totally disillusioned. I've spent countless hours in the last week studying atheism, creationism, religion, philosophy, science, cosmology, evolution, myth, etc., and one by one my beliefs broke. Evolution happened, the world wasn't created in six days, the Big Bang happened, there is no God. I've been hanging onto a delusion out of fear. 

I just came to this realization tonight, and I feel absolutely devastated and lost. I'm a 50-year-old woman who's spent her life making choices based on religion. There is no God to comfort me, guide me, protect me, or intervene in my life. There is no Heaven. I will never see my family, friends, or pets again once they/I die. My entire schema for living has fallen apart. I feel devastated and terrified.  

If you have any guidance, please help me. 

thanks,

dragonfly

Hi and welcome!
I'm close to your age and decided I don't believe in any god anymore in my mid 30s. I had been taking baby steps towards dropping religion over the years although I didn't realize that until putting the pieces to the puzzle together in hindsight.

You're gonna be ok! Atheism has opened a whole new exciting and intellectual world for me and I hope it does for you too.

Stick around here and you'll hear a variety of interesting viewpoints.

-Teresa

I really hadn't been taking baby steps, at least not consciously. I never expected the house of cards to fall as fast as it did.

There is no God to comfort me, guide me, protect me, or intervene in my life. There is no Heaven. I will never see my family, friends, or pets again once they/I die. My entire schema for living has fallen apart. I feel devastated and terrified.  

Welcome aboard.  

IDK if it will help, but look at it in a different light.  You never had any of those things before - and you've made it half a century.  It was always you comforting, guiding, protecting, intervening.  With friends, family, and pets, too.  

Sounds like heaven to me.

But how do you deal with the loss of those beings? 

Hey there, Dragonfly! Welcome aboard!

As someone who has also grown up under the thumb of Christianity I completely sympathize with what you’re going through. Losing that god/heaven safety net -as imaginary as it turned out to be- can be pretty upsetting, even devastating.

You’ve lost a significant figure, one you relied on for all kinds of support. The good news is, like Khem said, that was all you to begin with. You’ve got that same strength to do things and move on, you just don’t need that supernatural crutch anymore.

I hope you stick around, and good luck! We’re happy to talk with you anytime.

I feel like those muscles have atrophied. I rarely used reason, and I leaned so heavily on the crutch of religion that I don't really know how to walk without it. 

Welcome aboard.  

IDK if it will help, but look at it in a different light.  You never had any of those things before - and you've made it half a century.  It was always you comforting, guiding, protecting, intervening.  With friends, family, and pets, too.  

Sounds like heaven to me.

That's exactly the thing. Religion often teaches people to give it all the credit, instead of people crediting themselves and the people around them.

To take a couple of examples: if you thought God was guiding and protecting you for all this time, that means you've actually done a great job of finding your own way, and keeping yourself safe.

When I do think that I was doing it all along, it's kind of amazing, like religion was an illusion, a coping mechanism. But when it's yanked out suddenly, it leads to such a psychological collapse. That's what I'm trying to figure out how to get through.

---

I hope I haven't missed replying to anybody. I'm finding the threaded view here very confusing, but I suppose I'll get used to it.

Maybe I should ask this next question on the main boards to get more answers, but the biggest thing I'm having a hard time with is the loss of family. I had thought I would have eternity with them, and it's almost like they all died at once. I really don't know how to deal with that. It's devastating. For example, I'm wanting to spend every moment with my boyfriend because I know our time is limited. It's like I can't focus on anything but our limited time.

When I talked with Dr. Marlene Winell, a psychologist from journeyfree.org and someone who helps people with religious trauma, she said that I am grieving the loss of loved ones. Can you tell me how you cope with losing them forever? I imagine many people here who have been atheists since childhood might not be able to understand how it feels to go from feeling everyone is immortal to suddenly seeing time as limited. It really is devastating. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, and I've been crying throughout the day.