joke time

[Brian37]

The only God I worship is beer. My liver on the other hand is one hell of a pesky dissenter.

[no one]

A man walks into a bar. He sees to rather large women drinking at the bar. The are speaking in a foreign accent.

Man: "Evening, are you ladies from England?"

Women: "It's Wales, you asshole!"

Man: "I'm sorry, are you whales from England?"

[downbeatplumb]

A man walks into a bar. He sees to rather large women drinking at the bar. The are speaking in a foreign accent.

Man: "Evening, are you ladies from England?"

Women: "It's Wales, you asshole!"

Man: "I'm sorry, are you whales from England?"

The funeral is on Friday.

[Fireball]

A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

[Brian37]

Maybe sometimes I am too hard on theists? I think about what if I was an NHL owner and needed a goalie. Theists are damned good at blocking anything you shoot at them.

[The Valkyrie]

Spiderman, Spiderman,
Does whatever a spider ca.
Everything's going dark,
"I don't feel good, Mr Stark",
Oh, no,
There went the Spiderman!

[Cecelia]

My husband today: "You know, if I had a penny for every time Trump lied, we could pay off the national debt. And then with the leftover cash, we could buy Google, Amazon, Microsoft, Apple, all the oil in the world, the moon, we could pay for healthcare for every American, and buy each of them a house. Then we could take the rest of the money and put it in a swiss bank account. Do you think you can put more than a trillion in a swiss bank account?"

One of my daughters: "Just buy gold with the rest so we can swim around in it like Scrooge McDuck."

[no one]

A blonde canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

She replied, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porsche; it's a Ferrari."

[Rhondazvous]

Mother: Boys, I want you to clean up your room.
Son: Come on, Mom. This is the lived in look.
Mother: It's not the lived in look that bothers me. It's the died in smell.

[Minimalist]

You knew my kids?