joke time

[A. Secular Human]

But that would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

But Descartes is dead, so you'd be putting Descartes before the hearse.

He should have phrased it, 'Cogito cogito, ergo cogito sum. Cogito.' (I think I think, therefore I think I am.  I think.)

Boru

Reminds me of a Moody Blues song intro:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AukFsBv2oDY

[Haipule]

So this guy opens up a brain store where you can buy a replacement. A lady walks in and looks at the prices--Pro Surfer-250k; College Professor-500k; Fighter Pilot-750k; Christian-1M. She asks the clerk, "Why does the Christian brain cost so much?" The clerk replies, "It's never been used."

[The Valkyrie]

I was giving a patient an exam and said to him, “You’re going to have to stop masturbating.”

He replied, “To alleviate my heart condition?”

I said, “No, because I’m trying to examine you.”

[Fireball]

I was giving a patient an exam and said to him, “You’re going to have to stop masturbating.”

He replied, “To alleviate my heart condition?”

I said, “No, because I’m trying to examine you.”

Didn't you learn that "two-finger-swat", in Med School? I remember asking a Corpsman when I was in the Navy about what they do when a guy gets an erection (I was getting shaved for appendix surgery- probably not a good time, since he was using a straight razor).   He told me that they are trained to whack it   with two fingers and it'll go away, right quick.

[Duty]

Two friends sat on a park bench, one asks the other "what's the worse sin, ignorance or apathy?" and the other replies "I neither know nor care."

[onlinebiker]

I was giving a patient an exam and said to him, “You’re going to have to stop masturbating.”

He replied, “To alleviate my heart condition?”

I said, “No, because I’m trying to examine you.”

Didn't you learn that "two-finger-swat", in Med School? I remember asking a Corpsman when I was in the Navy about what they do when a guy gets an erection (I was getting shaved for appendix surgery- probably not a good time, since he was using a straight razor).   He told me that they are trained to whack it   with two fingers and it'll go away, right quick.

I started dating this cute redhead in high school. She owned a horse - a gelding.

I watched her getting the horse ready to ride - in English tack - with her dressed to match. She looked fantastic in the getup - tight pants and knee boots.

Apparently the gelding thought so too... He was getting a chubby.

She smacked it's dick with her riding crop.

...
We quit dating soon after.

[ignoramus]

I'm not inviting a Kiwi over to stay with us again.
In the fridge I found a leg of lamb with a love bite on it !

[The Valkyrie]

A hearse, followed by a number of vehicles full of mourners, drove in procession past a golf course.

On the 18th hole, one of the golfers stopped his swing, stood respectfully, and put his hand over his heart until the procession was out of sight.

"That was a really nice gesture." One of his companions said.

"It's the least I could do," the golfer said, "she was my wife."

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I tried to get into the local library, but they were all booked up.

Boru

[Rhizomorph13]

A well-to-do adventure junkie sees a hungry homeless man and suddenly feels guilty about anything. It's Christmas time and very cold on the street, he gets emotional thinking the time for a sacrifice, a gift that matches the dirty righteousness, has come. He approaches the homeless like a lamb going to slaughter, asking him if he wanted some hotdog, exposing a condom. The bum suddenly blew up in a fit, charging against the good Samaritan, "a one dollar hotdog, for Christmas, are you f ...king kidding me ? I take only ten or twenty dollar bills around this time, as my bottom line !" The scapegoat, apparently freaked out, just manages, "I am hot and this is my dog !"

Well, I just made it up. You know, a controversial screenwriter who never made it in Hollywood, though he did leave marks.

There once was a man who taught his asshole to talk. His abdomen would jiggle up and down as he farted out the words. It was a sound you could smell, you dig. Well he was a comedian so he worked his asshole into the act with him telling jokes and his asshole throwing it right back at him. Soon the asshole grew little pointy tooth-like grows and would chew through his pants and start talking all on its own! When he was drunk it would yell obscenities and say it wanted to be kissed like any other mouth. The man would yell at his asshole to shut up but the asshole just said, "In the end it will be you who shuts up." Soon after that the man started waking up with a substance like a tadpoles tail covering his mouth. This undifferentiated tissue finally took hold and he was unable to wipe it away. He was unable to speak and the asshole was clearly in control. You could see evidence of the man in the eyes for a while but not too long after that the eyes went dead.