joke time

[ignoramus]

Beccs has her own live wet market! lol

[The Valkyrie]

Beccs has her own live wet market! lol

Nothing live on my market.

[The Valkyrie]

Stolen material...

A little boy is on the witness stand in court giving evidence against his parents.

The judge smiles down at him and says, "I know it's frightening, but I want you to tell us what it is that your parents do."

A single tear rolls down the boy's cheek as, with an obvious effort, he looks over at his parents and says, "They beat me!"

A hush fall over the courtroom as all eyes turn to the parents.

"Don't worry, son," says the judge, "I'll make sure they can never hurt you again. Would you like to live with your grandparents?"

The boy starts shaking uncontrollably and says to the judge, his voice breaking, "No. They beat me!"

The judge us now trying to hold back his own anger, "Then tell me what it is that you want to do. If it's in my power I'll see that it's done."

Tears now flowing uncontrolled, the little boy says, "I want to play cricket against England. They bever beat anyone."

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

More stolen material (Jimmy Carr):

Interesting fact: Cricket was invented at Rugby public school when one of the boy forgot to bring the ball and they're all standing in a field and nothing happened.

*****

I like the developments that have been made in cricket over the years.  Initially, there was test cricket, and that takes five days of your life that you don't get back. Then there was one day cricket, a vast improvement. Then there was 20-20, which only takes three hours to play. I'm looking forward to 'cricket 1-1', then ultimately, 'cricket zero', where no cunt plays cricket because it's fucking boring.

Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Another Carr joke:

Someone was telling me that it's almost impossible to convey the concept of death to a toddler.  And I thought, 'Well, give me a hamster and a hammer, and I'll have a go.'

Boru

[Darinda]

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”

“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”

After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

After a rigorous period of research and investigation, the NHS have discovered that, in forty years’ time, the average toddler will be forty three years old.

Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Two blokes are at the pub, and at about the fourth pint, one says to the other, ‘If you had to sleep with a man, who would it be?’

‘I wouldn’t.’

‘But if you had to.’

‘I wouldn’t.’

‘But if you had to.’

‘I wouldn’t.’

‘But if you had to.’

‘I wouldn’t.’

‘But if you had to.’

‘I wouldn’t.’

‘But if you had to.’

‘I wouldn’t.’

‘But if you had to.’

‘Wellll...’

‘POOF!’

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

After a rigorous period of research and investigation, the NHS have discovered that, in forty years’ time, the average toddler will be forty three years old.

Boru

And the research cost more than a million...

[Fireball]

I have a sick fucking joke that I have to put in spoiler tags.

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Donald J. Trump. The "J" stands for "Genius".   

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