joke time

[The Valkyrie]

I emailed a woman at work pictures of daggers.

Suddenly I'm up before HR for sending unsolicited dirk pictures...

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

'I came out of my house a few days ago and there was a man's shoe lying in the road.  Just the one shoe.  The next day, the shoe was still there, along with a man's shirt.  Today, the shoe and the shirt were there, along with a pair of man's pants.  I think some woman is breaking up with her bloke very, very slowly. In a month, there should be a complete wardrobe with a severed cock on top.' - Sarah Millican

Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

What connects the films ‘Titanic’ and ‘The Sixth Sense’?

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Icy dead people.

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Boru

[The Valkyrie]

Me: "How could you have sex with her??"

Him: "She was lying naked on the table! What was I supposed to do?"

Me: "You were supposed to do the bloody autopsy!"

Him: "Don't tell me how to do my job!"

Me: "You're the worst vet ever!!"

[Darinda]

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now.”
He looks at her and says angrily, “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so.”
“Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right.” To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”
“Fine,” she says, “Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re about to break.”
“I’m not a damn carpenter and I don’t want to fix the steps,” he says. “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of you. I’m going to the bar!”
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. “Honey, how’d this all get fixed?”
She said, “Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake.”
He said, “So, what kind of cake did you bake him?”
She replied, “Hellooooo… Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?”

[Fireball]

OK, this one is kind of mean, so I'm putting it in hide tags. If you are offended, don't say I didn't warn you.

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I'm going to Australia. I hear that they have a bumper crop of roast koala on a stick. Told you! If you looked, you've only yourself to blame.

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[Little lunch]

I just read an article on smoking marijuana and it scared the shit out of me and I said, 'No more!'.
So that's it, starting tomorrow I'm going to stop reading for good.

[The Valkyrie]

I swapped the "n" and "m" keys on my boss's keyboard.

Apparently I'm a nomster.

[Abaddon_ire]

I swapped the "n" and "m" keys on my boss's keyboard.

Apparently I'm a nomster.

Sounds tasty.

[Little lunch]

She's definitely not your average wonam.