joke time

[Darinda]

I picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid, he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.

[Darinda]

A Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf, so he applied for membership at a local golf club.
 
About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected.

He went to the club to inquire as to why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavish.

Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?

Scot: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.

Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?

Scot: Aye, and neither do I.

Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?

Scot: Aye, I also do the same.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?

Scot: Aye, I be that,too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.
 
Scot: Ach, I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen.
And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus .
But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club!

[Darinda]

There’s this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, “Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?”
The missionary says, “Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say ‘Thank God’ to make it go and ‘Amen’ to make it stop.”

Not paying much attetion, the man says, “Sure, ok.”

So he gets on the horse and says, “Thank God” and the horse starts walking. Then he says, “Thank God, thank God,” and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, “Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God” and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he’s doing everything he can to make the horse stop.

“Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!”

Finally he remembers, “Amen!!”

The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, “Thank God.”

[purplepurpose]

God loves you.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A wee boy runs into the house all excited and says, ‘Mummy, I rescued a baby bird on the way home from school!’

‘That’s wonderful, dear! Tell mummy all about it.’

‘Well, I saw him on the ground, so I picked him up and put him back in his nest.’

Mum kisses him, rumples his hair and says, ‘You’re mummy’s brave, clever boy you are.’

‘Thanks, mum. And the best part was, it only took me three throws to get him into the nest!’

Boru

[A. Secular Human]

God loves you.

How would you know?

[purplepurpose]

God loves you.

How would you know?

I put in in a joke section for a reason...

[ignoramus]

True story.
I'm watching a youtube video called "The Ark and science confirms it" and another called "The mechanics of how the soul transports into the body".
What I find most depressing is why Goggle would recommend this stuff to me?
I think I know. It's me checking out all the ufo nutbaggery. I suppose Google doesn't differentiate between woo. Gullible is gullible in any flavor.

[Darinda]

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

“Look, it’s not the same hat!” “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” “Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, “Okay, I give up. What’d you do with the boat?”

[The Valkyrie]

Me, "I'm still exhausted from the crossfit this morning!"

Co-worker, "It's pronounced 'croissant', and you ate four of them!"