Posts: 44051
Threads: 529
Joined: July 24, 2013
Reputation:
109
RE: joke time
June 19, 2021 at 4:40 am
Today:
10 Year Old: 'Can I go next door and play with Jimmy?'
Mum: 'Alright, but bring your phone and text me every 20 minutes so I know you're OK.'
When I Was A Kid:
10 Year Old Me: 'I'm going to play at the abandoned quarry with my pals.'
Mum: 'Dinner's at 6:00'
Boru
‘But it does me no injury for my neighbour to say there are twenty gods or no gods. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.’ - Thomas Jefferson
Posts: 572
Threads: 2
Joined: October 30, 2009
Reputation:
13
RE: joke time
June 19, 2021 at 9:41 am
A woman walks into a pharmacy, strolls over to the counter, and catches the pharmacist’s attention. “Can I please get some arsenic?” she asks.
“Arsenic? What do you want arsenic for?” asks the pharmacist.
“It’s for my husband,” she replies.
“Your husband?” exclaims the pharmacist, “I hope you don’t mean what I think you mean!”
She just nods.
“Well, lady,” he replies, “I’m an honest man. I can’t sell you arsenic, I wouldn’t if I could, and I don’t know what made you think you could just stroll into a respectable store and expect me to sell you arsenic!”
She doesn’t say a word. She just reaches into her purse, fishes out a photograph, and hands it to the pharmacist. It is a picture of her husband, in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist slowly looks up over the counter, and then straight at her. “Lady,” he says, “why didn’t you tell me you had a prescription?”
Posts: 44051
Threads: 529
Joined: July 24, 2013
Reputation:
109
RE: joke time
June 20, 2021 at 6:18 am
When LEGO stores re-opened after the worst of the pandemic, people were lined up for blocks.
Boru
‘But it does me no injury for my neighbour to say there are twenty gods or no gods. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.’ - Thomas Jefferson
Posts: 44051
Threads: 529
Joined: July 24, 2013
Reputation:
109
RE: joke time
June 20, 2021 at 2:04 pm
A fed-up mum: ‘That DOES it! I’m selling my kids on eBay!’
Her understanding friend: ‘Don’t do that - you made those children. Sell them on Etsy.’
Boru
‘But it does me no injury for my neighbour to say there are twenty gods or no gods. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.’ - Thomas Jefferson
Posts: 1259
Threads: 0
Joined: October 2, 2018
Reputation:
11
RE: joke time
June 20, 2021 at 8:01 pm
(June 19, 2021 at 4:40 am)BrianSoddingBoru4 Wrote: Today:
10 Year Old: 'Can I go next door and play with Jimmy?'
Mum: 'Alright, but bring your phone and text me every 20 minutes so I know you're OK.'
When I Was A Kid:
10 Year Old Me: 'I'm going to play at the abandoned quarry with my pals.'
Mum: 'Dinner's at 6:00'
Boru
Or (in my case), "Come home when the street lights come on!" Anywhere near the Summer Solstice (like tonight!) it was awesome. 14 hours of daylight is the bomb!
Disappointing theists since 1968!
Posts: 44051
Threads: 529
Joined: July 24, 2013
Reputation:
109
RE: joke time
June 21, 2021 at 6:35 am
People who confuse the words ‘burro’ and ‘burrow’ don’t know their ass from a hole in the ground.
Boru
‘But it does me no injury for my neighbour to say there are twenty gods or no gods. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.’ - Thomas Jefferson
Posts: 572
Threads: 2
Joined: October 30, 2009
Reputation:
13
RE: joke time
June 21, 2021 at 9:12 am
A woman was in a coma, and had been for nearly a year.
One day a CNA went in to give her a sponge bath. When cleaning her naughty bits, she noticed there was a response on the monitor that registered brain activity. Thinking it was nothing more than a glitch, she continued on with her duties.
The following day the same thing occured. Finally, on the third day, she informed the doctors.
After a month of close monitoring and the reaching the same result, they decided it was time to inform the husband. The doctors, having exhausted all conventional means of waking the woman up, decided to try something rather unorthodox. They said to the husband, "It may seem crazy, but we believe a little oral sex may just to the trick." Needless to say, the husband was a bit skeptical. After thinking it over, he reluctantly agreed.
He went into his wife's room. A few minutes passed, and then the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart beat, alarms ringing, the nurses burst into the room. "What happened?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure, I think she choked"
Posts: 5813
Threads: 86
Joined: November 19, 2017
Reputation:
59
RE: joke time
June 21, 2021 at 1:35 pm
^ Nice one, Darinda
***
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
Posts: 44051
Threads: 529
Joined: July 24, 2013
Reputation:
109
RE: joke time
June 21, 2021 at 2:16 pm
I read that the governor of Texas is going to use $250 million of taxpayers’ money to build a wall on the border with Mexico. The purpose of the wall is to keep senators from fleeing to Cancun during a crisis.
Boru
‘But it does me no injury for my neighbour to say there are twenty gods or no gods. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.’ - Thomas Jefferson
Posts: 572
Threads: 2
Joined: October 30, 2009
Reputation:
13
RE: joke time
June 22, 2021 at 10:12 am
Though I enjoy the sport, I could never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
