joke time

[Darinda]

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: “why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?”
The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: “Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : – “If your mom and I fall into water, whom will you save first?”

And because I do not want to put my son in a difficult position, I am learning to swim!”

A few days later husband and wife were quarrelling again and the daughter-in-law unreasonably asked: ” now tell me! If your mom and I fall into water, whom will you save first?”

Husband replied: “I don’t have to get into the water, my mom knows to swim, she will save you.”

Wife refused to relent: “No, you have to jump into the water, and have to save one of us”. Whom will you save ?

Husband replied: “Then you will surely die…. because I don’t know to swim …. and my mom will definitely save me first.”

[A. Secular Human]

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: “why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?”
The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: “Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : – “If your mom and I fall into water, whom will you save first?”

And because I do not want to put my son in a difficult position, I am learning to swim!”

A few days later husband and wife were quarrelling again and the daughter-in-law unreasonably asked: ” now tell me! If your mom and I fall into water, whom will you save first?”

Husband replied: “I don’t have to get into the water, my mom knows to swim, she will save you.”

Wife refused to relent: “No, you have to jump into the water, and have to save one of us”. Whom will you save ?

Husband replied: “Then you will surely die…. because I don’t know to swim …. and my mom will definitely save me first.”

...bitch!"

(The story needed finishing...)

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

An elderly lady with a thin, quavering voice rings up the front desk at the local hospital and asks, 'I was wondering if it's possible to inquire about one of your patients. Her name is Miss Emma Rose Chessler, and she's in Room 306.'

The young lady at the desk wants to be helpful and says, 'Certainly, ma'am. Let me just put you on hold for a bit while I check.' Good as her word, she comes back on after a few minutes and says, 'I have some wonderful news for you! Miss Chessler's condition has stabilized. Her blood pressure has returned to normal, her electrolytic balance has settled down. It seems to have just been a mild case of angina, and she's due to be released tomorrow.'

'Oh, thank you SO much, my dear! That puts my mind at ease. God bless you for being so helpful.'

'Quite all right. If I may ask, is Miss Chessler you daughter, or perhaps your granddaughter?'

'Neither,' answers the old woman. 'I'M Emma Rose Chessler, I'M in Room 306, and nobody up here tells me a fucking thing.'

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

An elderly lady with a thin, quavering voice rings up the front desk at the local hospital and asks, 'I was wondering if it's possible to inquire about one of your patients. Her name is Miss Emma Rose Chessler, and she's in Room 306.'

The young lady at the desk wants to be helpful and says, 'Certainly, ma'am. Let me just put you on hold for a bit while I check.' Good as her word, she comes back on after a few minutes and says, 'I have some wonderful news for you! Miss Chessler's condition has stabilized. Her blood pressure has returned to normal, her electrolytic balance has settled down. It seems to have just been a mild case of angina, and she's due to be released tomorrow.'

'Oh, thank you SO much, my dear! That puts my mind at ease. God bless you for being so helpful.'

'Quite all right. If I may ask, is Miss Chessler you daughter, or perhaps your granddaughter?'

'Neither,' answers the old woman. 'I'M Emma Rose Chessler, I'M in Room 306, and nobody up here tells me a fucking thing.'

Boru

You have to keep the patients guessing.

I once told a patient he was leaving the hospital in a couple of hours, and then sent a priest in...

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

'I don't want a whole dessert. Let's just get two spoons.' - Women I stopped dating.

Boru

[Darinda]

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. “Is everything okay, pal?” the bartender asks. “My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s kind of a good thing. You know… a little peace and quiet?”

“Yeah. But today is the last day…”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A man is dining alone at a restaurant and making a heroic effort not to stare at the gorgeous redhead at the next table, who is also dining alone. Just as he’s sneaking a peek, the woman sneezes and her glass eye pops out. Without thinking, the man makes a grab and snags the eye in midair, then hands it to the woman, who is absolutely mortified.

‘I am so, so, sorry,’ she says, while putting the eye back. ‘Please join me and let me pay for your dinner.’ The man agrees and over the meal, he learns that the woman is not only beautiful, but utterly charming to boot - intelligent, witty, and funny. After dinner, they go out for drinks, and he becomes more and more enraptured with this amazing creature.

Towards the end of the evening, she invites him to her place for a nightcap. As usually happens in jokes like this, the nightcap quickly evolves into an amazing night of passion. She’s enthusiastic, skilled, and in all ways accommodating - it is, hands down, the best sex he’s ever had.

When he wakes up the next morning, he finds her in the kitchen cooking him an enormous gourmet breakfast. ‘You’re incredible!’ he says. Do you treat all your partners this way?’

‘Not really,’ she answers. ‘You just caught my eye.’

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

A man is dining alone at a restaurant and making a heroic effort not to stare at the gorgeous redhead at the next table, who is also dining alone. Just as he’s sneaking a peek, the woman sneezes and her glass eye pops out. Without thinking, the man makes a grab and snags the eye in midair, then hands it to the woman, who is absolutely mortified.

‘I am so, so, sorry,’ she says, while putting the eye back. ‘Please join me and let me pay for your dinner.’ The man agrees and over the meal, he learns that the woman is not only beautiful, but utterly charming to boot - intelligent, witty, and funny. After dinner, they go out for drinks, and he becomes more and more enraptured with this amazing creature.

Towards the end of the evening, she invites him to her place for a nightcap. As usually happens in jokes like this, the nightcap quickly evolves into an amazing night of passion. She’s enthusiastic, skilled, and in all ways accommodating - it is, hands down, the best sex he’s ever had.

When he wakes up the next morning, he finds her in the kitchen cooking him an enormous gourmet breakfast. ‘You’re incredible!’ he says. Do you treat all your partners this way?’

‘Not really,’ she answers. ‘You just caught my eye.’

Boru

[onlinebiker]

Same setup -

Except she turns out to be a hooker who offers him a winkjob for $20.

And the punchline?


I' ll keep an eye out for you.

[Darinda]

What the hell is wrong with women nowadays ...... My secretary resigned yesterday.
Friend: Why?
Boss: She caught me with my wife in the coffee shop

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Wife: I hate you.
Me: What a co-incidence..!!!

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