joke time

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Years ago, I was in a bar when one of the waitresses screamed, 'Oh, my god...does anyone know CPR??' I said, 'Bitch I know the whole alphabet.'

Everyone laughed. Except, you know, that one guy.

Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A woman in a skin-tight miniskirt is about to get on a city bus when she realizes that her skirt is so tight that she can’t lift her leg high enough to reach the first step on the bus. She reaches behind her and unzips the skirt a little, figuring that will give her enough slack. Still unable to reach the step, she reaches back and unzips a little more. Still no luck, so - now thoroughly embarrassed - she reaches back a third time. Still can’t reach the step.

The man waiting behind her feels sorry for the the poor woman’s plight, so he takes her by the waist and hoists her up onto the first step on the bus.

Furious, the woman turns on him and says, ‘How DARE you put your hands on me? I don’t even know you!’

‘Terribly sorry,’ says the man. ‘I just thought that since you unzipped my fly three times, we were getting to be friends.’

Boru

[Darinda]

A man on a business trip is staying in a high-rise hotel with a bar on the top floor.

After checking in and seeing his room, he decides to go upstairs. There’s only one other patron in the bar. The businessman orders a drink and then watches in surprise as the other patron quickly eats an orange, chugs his beer, and jumps out the window.

A minute later, the man returns. The businessman is shocked to see him again eat an orange, chug his beer and then jump out the window.

When the man returns a third time, the businessman decides he can do this, too. He eats an orange, chugs his beer, then jumps out the window to his death.

The bartender turns to the man and says, “You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when
you’re drunk.”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

‘Bye, mum. I’m going over to my girlfriend’s house.’

‘Bring a condom.’

‘Geez, mum - I’m only fifteen.’

‘And I’m thirty. Bring a condom.’

Boru

[Darinda]

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks “If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?”

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says “It would to be something spectacular to take that offer.” The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts playing classical music like Beethoven and Chopin.

Once he finishes, the bartender is in utter disbelief. He tells the man “You can have free drinks for the rest of the night, but only if you tell where you got this.” The man says “In the alley way behind your bar, there is a Genie who is granting free wishes to everyone who wants them.” Elated, the bartender heads behind his bar to see if it was true.

A few minutes passed and out of the alleyway erupts a cacophony of quacking. The bartender rushes back into the bar and shuts his door against a wave of thousands of ducks. He manages to secure the door and says to the man “I think that the Genie is hard of hearing, because after I asked for a million bucks, these ducks appeared by the thousands.” The man chuckles and says “Did you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?”

[Darinda]

So Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach and Moses says “you know Jesus it’s been a long time since I parted the sea let me see if I can still do it”.
So he throws his staff down throws his arms up and nothing happens. Jesus says to him “why don’t you try again it’s been a long time”. So Moses throws his staff down, throws his arms up and the sea parts, it was beautiful. So Jesus says to Moses “it’s been a long time since I’ve walked on the water let me see if I still have it in me”.
Jesus walks out onto the water and sinks, he comes back up discouraged but Moses tells him it’s been a long time and to give it another go.
Jesus walks back out onto the waters and sinks again he comes back up and says “I know what the problem is last time I did this I didn’t have these damn holes in my feet”.

[arewethereyet]

So Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach and Moses says “you know Jesus it’s been a long time since I parted the sea let me see if I can still do it”.
So he throws his staff down throws his arms up and nothing happens. Jesus says to him “why don’t you try again it’s been a long time”. So Moses throws his staff down, throws his arms up and the sea parts, it was beautiful. So Jesus says to Moses “it’s been a long time since I’ve walked on the water let me see if I still have it in me”.
Jesus walks out onto the water and sinks, he comes back up discouraged but Moses tells him it’s been a long time and to give it another go.
Jesus walks back out onto the waters and sinks again he comes back up and says “I know what the problem is last time I did this I didn’t have these damn holes in my feet”.

There's still a little voice way in the back of my head saying, "Don't laugh at that."

Luckily I am hard of hearing so I'll just pretend I didn't hear the voice.

[vulcanlogician]

A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next day, the guy comes in again, buys condoms, and again walks out laughing. Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.

"So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist.

"Sure did," replies the assistant.

"Where did he go?" asks the curious pharmacist.

"Your house."

[Darinda]

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: “So, honey? How’s my mom doing?”

He replies: “She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!”

“Wow that’s amazing!” – says the wife – “But this is very strange, dear… yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!”

“Well, I don’t know how she was yesterday” – he replied – “But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

The Stages Of Life:

1. Birth

2. Are you fucking kidding me?

3. Death

Boru