joke time

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Boss, on a Friday afternoon: ‘I need you to work this weekend.’

Me: ‘Ok, but I may be late - you know how slow public transport is on the weekends.’

Boss: ‘What time do you think you’ll be in?’

Me: ‘Monday.’

Boru

[Brian37]

When the undertaker was asked what his favorite element on the periodic table was he answered "Barium".

Why did the mortician sue the family? Because they stiffed him.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

The war on Christmas will not cease until December abandons its illegal occupation of November. We call on the Clausian so-called ‘freedom fighters’ to adhere to the terms of the Black Friday Accord.

Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Mum: How was school today?

6 year old me: Great. I learned a lot about dragons.

Mum: Your class learned about dragons?

Me: I learned about dragons. No idea what those other people were doing.

Boru

[Oldandeasilyconfused]

Boss, on a Friday afternoon: ‘I need you to work this weekend.’

Me: ‘Ok, but I may be late - you know how slow public transport is on the weekends.’

Boss: ‘What time do you think you’ll be in?’

Me: ‘Monday.’

Boru

 One of my  first bosses was a bit like that:

I was 18 and needed a temporary job until my public service job came through.

I was hired by the manager, not the owner.

First morning, the manager tells me the owner can't afford to pay me $X, so he's going to pay me $X minus.

Then I meet the owner who tells me that he doesn't pay over time, he gives bonuses at Xmas.

My response was "That's fine, but I get paid over time for any extra time I work" He didn't reply to that.

A few days later he gave me a job at 10 minutes before knock off which would take about an hour. I told him I would be knocking of in ten minutes----a few days later it was " Can you come in half an hour earlier?" I replied "No"

This was an entry level storeman/driver job. I didn't care if he fired me. He was just a pretty crude and gutless  bully.

Didn't seem all that funny at the time. It does now.

[Fireball]

A man in Florida was rushed to a hospital via EMS, and admitted to the Emergency Ward.  It was later discovered he had 25 toy horses in his rectum!


His condition is currently described as stable.

[Oldandeasilyconfused]

A man in Florida was rushed to a hospital via EMS, and admitted to the Emergency Ward.  It was later discovered he had 25 toy horses in his rectum!


His condition is currently described as stable.

 Every day day after work Dr Thad Q Cumber goes into his favourite bar, where the barman one Richard S Head fixes him a nice almond daquiri .  

Friday night, he's a especially tired, but Dr  Cumber notices that his drink tastes strange.

He enquiries  "Is this an almond daquiri Dick?"

The barman replies "No, it's a hickory daquiri doc" 

[Brian37]

How many Fox News reporters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Why would you want them to?

[Silver]

Pronoun joke on the adult cartoon Chicago Party Aunt

Barista: Pale Kale for Zale.

Male: Oh, that's me.

Female: My name is also Zale.

*Barista turns to boss*: Was it the male or female Zale?

Boss: Gender is a construct and you aren't legally allowed to ask that question...*under his breath* It was the guy.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are out for a drive when a cop pulls them over. 

Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him, 'Do you know how fast you were going?' Heisenberg answers, 'No, but I know exactly where I am.' 

'You were doing 60kph in a 40kph zone.' Heisenberg throws up his hands and says, 'Great! Now I'm lost!'

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders them to open the boot. He says, 'Did you know you have a dead cat in here?'

Schrodinger says, 'We do now, you interfering busybody!'

The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

Boru