joke time

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I just opened a can of worms, and it was disappointing. The just kind of slowly squirm around in the can. Hardly the chaos I've been led to expect.

Boru

[Darinda]

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist.
“I want a tooth pulled out, and I don’t want Novacaine because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible and we’ll be on our way.”
The dentist was quite impressed.
“You’re certainly a courageous woman.” he said. “Which tooth is it?”
The woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.”

[Darinda]

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, ‘Johnny, what is the matter?’

Little Johnny responded, ‘I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.’

[Darinda]

A man staggers into the emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
“Well, it was like this” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white in it’s rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. Thats when I made my mistake.”
“What did you do?”, asked the doctor.
“Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and yelled to my wife, “Hey! This looks like yours!”

[ignoramus]

I switched all the labels on the wife's spice rack.
I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin.

[onlinebiker]

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, ‘Johnny, what is the matter?’

Little Johnny responded, ‘I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.’

Nope.

That pain is lower an to the rear......


(ducks)

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Demon: Mwa ha ha, foolish mortal! The only way to banish me is to get me to say my name backwards!

Foolish Mortal: What’s your name?

Demon: Hannah…motherf…

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

Mortal Kombat is based on a Scandinavian Church Song.

That's right, a Finnish Hymn.

[Darinda]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

The man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”

“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $6.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and the ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

“The usual?” asks the waitress. “No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,” says the man, “same for me,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, “That will be $12.62.”Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer.

“Excuse me, sir.How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!”says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”
“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.
The waitress asks, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

[The Valkyrie]

When he's boring in bed.

Her, "Choke me!"

Him, "Are you into that??"

Her, "No, I just want to die!"