The Last Movie You Watched

[arewethereyet]

Last night I watched "There Will be Blood"...didn't really like it any more than when I saw it years ago in a theater.

Just finished "Walk the Line" which wasn't as good as I'd hoped it would be.

Off to find something else to watch/listen to.

[Angrboda]

Mulan.

"Her Midichlorian count is off the charts!"

[Rev. Rye]

Due to unforseen circumstances (read: finding a DVD copy at Half Price Books for $2), this week's film for  the Deep Hurting Project will not be Tentacolino, but Jenny McCarthy's Dirty Love. It's a gross-out sex comedy in the vein of the Farrelly Brothers, but with a feminine perspective. With shit like a woman dancing topless with vomit on her tits or carpeting a store with her period blood. Bridesmaids proved it could be done a decade later, but Bridesmaids didn't have a script (written by star Jenny McCarthy) that's total shit. So, before we dive in, here's something that you could play 30 times in a row and have a much better experience than watching this movie:



This might be worth the $2 if there was a poodle that bites and chews in this.

• Shouting "Oh My God" in the shrillest voice is not comedy, Jenny.
  
• Well, we've got a poodle. It just exists to be photographed and dyed pink for whatever reason, but, so far, poodle does not bite, poodle does not chew it.
  
• You know, maybe it would have been better if we actually saw what brought this outbreak on before we saw her debase herself.
  
• Is there a reason Madame Zora sounds like she's doing a Hong Kong dub?
  
• If Carmen Electra's black, I'm Muhammad Ali.
  
• A look like this might be acceptable if I was watching this on a VHS that was a few watches away from becoming unwatchable, but DVD doesn't work like that.
  [video=youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wyUDbbWIXS0/video]
• Is there a reason Jenny McCarthy is eying up Dave Rubin and Neil Patrick Harris?
  
• And to think that if the blonde guy was just a childlike bisexual girl, he'd probably get away with blatantly sniffing her hair like that.
  
• I'm not going to touch the obvious Jewish director stereotypes they're goaded into dating for a sequence or two with a 10-meter pole.
  
• Okay, the scene where she's supposedly dancing topless with vomit on her tits is more playing with them in front of paparazzi while she has vomit on her tits and is going through the same histrionics from the first scene in a ridiculously low-cut dress.
  
• So, how much longer before they get the guy who looks like Freddie from Freddie Got Fingered who's obviously being set up as her final love interest to actually be her love interest? Maybe a bit less than an hour? Okay.  
  
• Ecstasy? Well, I suppose they got the "dancing like a prick" part of an ecstasy high down. 
  
• Why does that guy have a fish in between his butt cheeks? Just so he can say "Touch my bass?" That's a stupid pun and a very stupid sex act.
  
• And why the fuck is Carmen Electra pointing a gun at her pussy?
  
• Why do I get the feeling that getting slapped with a fish doesn't result in bruises like this.
  
• Well, that lady director's given a perfect summation of Jenny McCarthy's best friend's acting ability. And the sad thing is, her bad acting is more or less identical to her bad acting in this movie.
  
• And to think that Jenny McCarthy was doing that one scene from Gone Girl almost a decade before Rosamund Pike.
  
  
  

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• You know, there might have been a time where the menstrual blood in that scene would have bothered me, but then I discovered Hermann Nitsch and that just seemed like small potatoes.
  
• Is it strange that I think Carmen Electra wound up picking the wrong ethnic stereotype for the job she was saddled with? Is this what Woah Vicky's mother was like? 
  
• So, is there a reason she's dating Simon Conjurer?
  
• Blue Fucker? That's seriously a cocktail name? Okay, looking it up, there is a cocktail called the Blue Motherfucker. It's equal parts vodka, rum, tequila, gin, and blue curacao in a highball glass with ice otherwise filled with sweet and sour mix with a splash of 7up. Garnish with a lemon wedge or maraschino cherry. Or maybe not.
  
• How the fuck is that lady officer so unfamiliar with menstruation?
  
• Yes, we get it, he's a magician. We didn't need to have him do the rainbow scarves trick while the police performed a cavity search.
  
• I'm sorry, did you just say a 1969 Martin V-18? Don't you mean a D-18?
  
• 1966 Khoner? Not a brand I'm familiar with. Okay, that just looks like a normal sunburst cheapo that I think may have shit stains on the top and nothing worth $3500. Also, the fuck does this scene have to do with anything?
  
• Are you seriously using the Onion for dating advice? Why am I not high right now?
  
• Was that supposed to be a limerick? 
  
• And why is not Uwe Boll in this movie?
  
• It's weird, the last time I've seen a singer use a megaphone for singing was Rudy Vallee.
  
• Off topic: in 1956, the Duke Ellington band were playing the Newport Jazz Festival. At the time, they were starting to be seen as dinosaurs, and given that they were a swing big band just around the time Rock and Roll was becoming a thing, there was a reason for that. Then they launched into "Diminuendo and Crescendo in Blue" and Tenor Saxophonist Paul Gonsalves launched into a legendary solo that was so amazing that the normally seated audience leapt out of their seats and started dancing. And allegedly, it was a blonde girl named Elaine Anderson who helped catalyse that dancing. I mention this because Jenny McCarthy decided to rush the stage of this nightclub and dry-hump the bassist.
  
• You know, that girl's feminist speech would probably have struck a chord if not for the fact that, well, if her acting in this movie's any indication, the casting couch is almost certainly the only reason this actress would even get anywhere. And that' why I've never heard the name Kam Heskin before this. I might have seen some of the films in her filmography, but I don't remember a Candy in Catch Me If You Can.
  
• Holy shit, chewing the clitoris? That's bad enough, but I also discovered "The Jolly Rancher Story" and I'm finding that this could have potentially been even worse.
  
• A mango? I probably would have picked a Crenshaw melon.
  
• And we're not even being given a reason it wouldn't work bettween Jenny McCarthy and not-Freddie?
  
• Wait, those two electric guitars look like Silvertones. So, why was he talking about 1959 Gretsches to the pawn shop?
  
• And that's it? She's gone from zero for zero reason to "you're my soulmate" just because of the word "pony" on his shoe?
  
• Well, that ending monologue was a whole lot of nothing.
  

And, in conclusion, poodle did not bite, poodle did not chew it. And this movie's probably never going to be watched again. And next week, I'm probably going to take on Fist of Fear, Touch of Death, and then the week after, Tentacolino. Hopefully, they'll still be on Tubi in April.

[Rev. Rye]

Addendum to the take on Dirty Love: Not-Uwe Boll was actually supposed to be Not-Kevin Smith. The fact that in 2005, he was only starting to make bad movies and that he looks fuck-all like Kevin Smith threw me for a loop. This is apparently because he was rude to Jenny when she auditioned for a role in Mallrats and didn’t even wait until she was out of the office to laugh at her.

Also, somehow, I didn’t find out until the movie was over and the two-hour edit window was closed that the reason her eventual love interest looked like Freddy from Freddy Got Fingered is because that actually was Freddy from Freddy Got Fingered himself, Eddie Kaye Thomas.

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project is a film called Fist of Fear, Touch of Death. And before I get into it, I have to talk about Brucesploitation. What is Brucesploitation, you may ask? Well, thousands of years ago, before the dawn of man as we knew him (and by that I mean 50 years ago), a young Hong Kong actor named Bruce Lee managed to make it big in the United States and start a craze in martial arts.  And then, just as he became popular, he died of a combination of a cerebral edema and an allergic reaction to meprobamate. No more Bruce Lee, and worse for the Hong Kong film industry, no more Bruce Lee pictures. Except maybe if you count Enter the Dragon, which was released six days after he died, and another five films made up largely of stock footage that would be completed years afterward. This led to a shitton of companies trying to make a shitton of movies starring a shitton of actors who I'm sure were born with names like Bruce Li , Bruce Chen, Bruce Lai, Bruce Le, Bruce Lie, Bruce Leung, Saro Lee, Bruce Ly, Bruce Thai, Brute Lee, Myron Bruce Lee, Lee Bruce, and Bruce Lei / Dragon Lee in the hopes of capturing lightning in the proverbial bottle. Fortunately, at least one of these Bruce Lee actors made it big in the West, but only after he stopped trying to be Bruce Lee and started being just plain Jackie Chan. And this film is seen as the worst Brucesploitation film of all. 

• And we start off with fanfare that's familiar to me,  but I can't place my finger on what it is. Fortunately, it goes on long enough that I try to shazam it three times. Unfortunately, all it can give me is "Ascension" by The Beetz.
  
• Um, no, that touch of death thing is bullshit. You cannot just kill a person by touching them in a particular way. At least, I think that's what they're going for, since it's never explained in any meaningful way.
  
• That's not what misadventure means. It means an unfortunate incident, one that caused a death to occur, like, for instance, taking a painkiller that it turns out one is allergic to and exacerbates a potentially lethal condition into one that's actually lethal.
  
• There's also quite a bit of dubbed stock footage from Bruce Lee himself, either dubbing over an old interview with random truisms about karate or Kung Fu (they don't really differentiate between the two, let alone mention his actual discipline. Jeet Kune Do) or dubbing over an episode of an old movie he starred in, which was, unfortunately for the fans, is a serious drama based on a play called Thunderstorm. What's the quality of the dub? I'll let this clue you in.
  
• Self-hypnosis doesn't sound all that mysterious or elusive.
  
• Why the fuck does everybody think Fred Williamson is Harry Belafonte? And it's not like they look all that similar. They're black, they have short hair, and are fairly tall, but that's pretty much where the similarities end. Or was there a stage where he wore a big-ass porn moustache?
  
• Oh, that's right, I forgot to mention this was basically a mockumentary about a karate tournament at Madison Square Garden where people are fighting to be considered Bruce Lee's successor.
  
• Okay, the boxer seems to be closer to the truth on Bruce Lee's death when he mentions some swelling, even if he's still insists Bruce was murdered.
  
• She's got glass in the ass?
  
• What a coincidence. These four guys were harassing a woman in the park and the boxer just randomly went there and beat them up. He didn't even have to know what they were doing.
  
• This white dude was the first person who spot Bruce Lee's talents? Gee, it's almost like this movie exists as much to suck his dick as it does to lionise Bruce Lee.
  
• Bruce Lee's grandfather was one of the greatest Chinese samurai in the 19th century?
  
• We now interrupt this movie about a  Chinese martial artist with these random clips from a samurai movie. Because it's not like they're totally different disciplines in totally different cultures, especially two different cultures that fucking hate each other and one had been subject to horrifying war crimes from the other well within living memory when this movie was made. Actually, looking it up, this is actually a Chinese movie called Invisible Super Chan, even if the hairstyles look far more Japanese than Chinese. Still fairly certain that it's kinda fucked to treat Chinese and Japanese culture as interchangable.
  
• Also, as mentioned before, they redubbed an old movie Bruce Lee starred in. One with zero fighting that's apparently based on a famous Chinese play called Thunderstorm. I guess it's a valid approach. It's like if Barbarella had an extended flashback that was just the same adaptation of A Doll's House Jane Fonda starred  in and overdub it with random shit that vaguely connects with the plot of the former film, and then added flashbacks within that flashbacks to another movie set in another time that has fuck-all to do with anything.
  
• A black belt? Unless your dojo is just that shit, that should be something to be proud of.
  
• You know, if I wanted to watch a martial arts movie dubbed over with some random bullshit, I'd watch Kung Pow: Enter the Fist.
  
• So, this stock footage took up 33 of the first 53 minutes of this 83-minute film.
  
• And they went back to scenes of a random woman being sexually assaulted just so this guy can slowly walk up and kick the asses of her rapists.
  
• No, these guys aren't bothering me, I'm just into really rough shit in public.
  
• And I can totally imagine that this Asian dude with the Meathead moustache and domino mask is named Bill Louie.
  
• And why does she still have her arms held in the air? It's not like anybody's keeping them up.
  
• Yes, Bruce Lee's the #1 promoter of martial arts. I've never even heard of Aaron Banks until today.
  
• And this technique, never seen before in the United States is called The Reverse James Caan in Misery.
  
• Well, it's nice to know that Fred Williamson is greatly undermining the whole premise of trying the successor of Bruce Lee.
  
• Huh. Justin Whang is a record-breaking martial artist. Who knew. Okay, technically, it's Richard Barathy. I wonder if we can get him to split that nice piece of ash I bought the other day into a good size for the guitar I'm building.
  
• And now, we're on a random boxing match that will apparently decide the whole competition about who will be Bruce Lee's successor. Even though he barely actually boxed in his films. That said, he did briefly box and even won a single tournament.
  
  
  
• And even Adolf Caesar's even pointed out that this plan to find a successor to Bruce Lee is bullshit.
  

Next week, I'm finally going to take on Tentacolino.

[Rev. Rye]

Some thoughts on Practical Magic

Big head says: The sisters could have avoided most of this plot if they had just told the detective that they killed him in self-defense, y'know, what with him kidnapping them, holding them at gunpoint, threatening to rape and kill them, and attempting to brand and strangle Gilly.

Little head says: Nicole Kidman is barefoot throughout most of the movie. Why is it that the best shot we have is when she's burying him in the dead of night?

Autism head says: Whoever decided replacing Michael fucking Nyman's score was a good idea should have taken Belladonna.

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project, belatedly, and after several days where I seriously considered dropping the whole bloody thing after the forums crashed and I lost access to 3+ years of posts regarding over a hundred  horrible films, is Tentacolino. What's Tentacolino? Well, I have to go back a few years. In 1997, James Cameron directed Titanic, and after it became the highest-grossing film of all time it not only spawned a shitton of imitators. Most notoriously, a cycle of animated movies ripping it off, each one more batshit than the last. The first one Titanic: The Legend Goes On includes a shitton of plot points ripped off of Disney movies, Mexican mice, a rapping dog, and a happily ever after ending for every named character but one. The second one The Legend of the Titanic has most of those things, plus a convoluted plot to sink the ship because whales, and an ending where a dog-faced octopus foils the sinking by holding the ship together. And this is its sequel.

• Yep, the compositing of the Cel-animated ship on the CGI water is obvious shit.
  
• It's nice to know that in 1915, two random survivors of the Titanic could search for the wreck in technology that wouldn't exist for decades and that there's no big global conflict that makes it dangerous for ships that aren't even affiliated with it to be there.
  
• This rap number makes less sense than the rapping dog in Legend Goes On
  
• I'd complain about how random these sharks' dislike of the color yellow is, but it turns out that they're attracted to any color that stands out in the ocean.
  
• I think these clams are like the slugs in Caroline. Though at least these ones could at least do backing vocals.
  
• Sharks are that concerned about dental hygeine, even when they lose and regrow the damn things all the time.
  
• So, why does Baron Vandertilt care about this random mission to find the Titanic? His plan was already foiled, and it's not like they're going to find new evidence against him.
  
• Ottie? Don't you mean Tentacolino? The character from the previous movie who didn't belong there? The one you named the movie after? And you change its name?
  
  
  
• Yep. This movie's about Atlantis.
  
• And how much air is still in the bathysphere? Did they remember anything since the commercial break?
  
• Captain Planet's riding an underwater horse (not to be confused with a seahorse) and several of his compatriots are riding fucking dinosaurs underwater.
  
• In fairness, I'd probably be freaking out if I woke up and saw this insanity.
  
• A gay fish on a spring and they also have Chairy from Pee-Wee's Playhouse, and what generation Pokemon has the otter-stingray hybrid with a lightning bolt on its chest?
  
• Wow. An leader that has no face and may not even has a corporeal form. Why do I get the feeling that this is going to make Atlantis seem more menacing than they intended? Besides their plotting to have the survivors of the previous movie  stay there forever, I mean?
  
• Wow, That drink's such a pretty colour, one that I've seen used to colour liquid weed-whacker.
  
• So, Atlantis has living toys? And why is a God like Neptune subordinate to Atlantis' king?
  
• And why do the mice sound a lot younger than they did in the first movie?
  
• As someone whose circadians appear to be more inclined towards sleeping in the daytime and staying up at night, I'm not sure how bad it is?
  
• Who turned Noel Coward into a castrato toy fish?
  
• And why is it techno all of a sudden? And why does it keep switching genres all the time?
  
• And only now do they get told they can't leave Atlantis?
  
• Wait, the "mythical Titanic?" So they don't even believe it was a thing? Even as royalty went on it and witnessed its sinking?
  
• And now the mice have their own villains, in the form of a pirate and a Chinese rat with a queue in his hair and an atrocious accent.
  
• Don't you just love when you see hand-drawn animation and part of the scenery starts looking radically different from the rest because the characters are actually going to use it? It's just one of those charming things about hand-drawn animation that seems to have gone extinct with the rise of CGI.
  
• Why does this tunnel ride remind me of that scene from the Venture Brothers where Jonas Sr. was guiding a bunch of orphans on a tour of the compound and the computer releases a shitton of hallucinogenic gas and the adults all leave them in a bomb shelter for 30 years?
  
• How do they not know they can swim, breathe, and talk underwater at this point?
  
• All prisoners have the right to escape? Do you even know what prisoners are?
  
• The rat king seems to make sense, especially about how he hates everyone in this movie, but how the fuck is becoming immortal going to make them rule the world?
  
• Screwdrivers have all been banned? Why? 
  
• Oh, so by Meccano set, you mean an Erector set.
  
• All we have to do is win. So, I think we know where Putin's trained his military advisors.
  
• So, I take it that the green colour of the elixir of life is the exact same as water.
  
• So they kept their Elixir of Life without a guard for 200 years because nobody was interested in guarding the secret to eternal life?
  
• The dog's reaction to most of his screentime in the last act of the film:
  
  
  
• Also, if they didn't already have The elixir of Life, why haven't they drowned?
  
• And now the Mermen of Atlantis have lasers.
  
• And, of course, they don't understand that telegraphs are supposed to be short and to the point. No wonder that squid is exhausted.
  
• Flintlock laser guns?
  
• And now we have a cross-dressing Scotsman acting as a high-ranking military leader. And why does the curse prevent him from taking off his wig? And when he does, why does he look even less Scottish than he did before?
  
• And why do his bagpipes play "Into the Woods"?
  
• You know, those anmesiac sailors have a point: what's going on?
  
• And how did they stay underwater all this time if they didn't already have the elixir of life?
  
• And now, instead of being forced to live underwater, now they have to live on the wreck of the Titanic on "The Forgotten Island" with even less in the way of infrastructure.
  
• And now, it looks like the rats are living in an insane asylum.
  
• Also, the beginning of the previous movie establishes that one of the mice manages to grow old and have a family that isn't on the ship (and we know this because they're taught the "official story" of the sinking of the Titanic, one which couldn't work if they were living on the wreck of the Titanic on "The Forgotten Island"). So, how does that work if they're living on the wreck of the TItanic for the rest of eternity? Hell, the fact that he ages in that frame story is fundamentally incompatible with the eternal life granted by the Elixir of life. I think this may be the first time I've seen a sequel so fundamentally incompatible with the first movie.
  

And next week, I'm going straight to horror (I did the Comedy and Action movies the past couple weeks prior, and I'm saving the one drama left for Pride Month, at least assuming that it's still on Tubi in June). And if all goes well, in a few days, I'll cover Snakes on a Train.

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project, Snakes on a Train, also known as What Do You Mean There's No Point in Making a Mockbuster Of A Movie That's Already Schlocky? or maybe Huggy Bear's Favourite Porno. Yes, this was a mockbuster of Snakes on a Plane, one released 3 days before the actual film.

• I'm just saying, maybe the Mojave desert isn't the best place to film your Biblical epic.
  
• It takes 3 minutes for there to be any dialogue in this movie and it's in a combination of unsubtitled Spanish and unsubtitled some other language that's either Arabic or some Native American language (spoken by a guy who looks like Jesus), but could also be a different dialect of Spanish. And, as a result, after all this time, I have no idea why the guy's making this woman puke green Jell-o. Or what those random close-ups of snakes have to do with anything.  
  
• It's kind of awkward that the racist is the only person I'm giving a shit about because at least I can understand what he's even saying.
  
• Also, those snakes don't seem all that intimidating. This could just be the non-herpetologist in me, and the fact that it's shot in darkness, but that just looks too small to be much of a problem.
  
• Huh. This train line's announcements sound like I'm approaching the periphery shield.
  
• And all of a sudden, they actually speak English? Maybe that would have come in handy when they were talking with the racist.
  
• You know, for a movie that exists to rip off Snakes on a Plane, this is proving bizarrely gritty.
  
• And it takes 20 minutes for us to actually get an explanation for what's going on: a woman is under a Mayan curse that causes snake eggs to hatch inside her and they either try to eat their way out of her or get puked out. They're trying to get to LA because there's a Mayan shaman who can lift the curse. Apparently, they have to keep the snakes she regurgitates in glass jars because they're apparently a part of her somehow.
  
• Maybe the guy should have been clued to the fact that there's something he should not be fucking with when he saw the woman puking up chocolate syrup.
  
• Turning chocolate syrup into Green Jell-O in a single shot, the lamest magic trick in history!
  
• Fun Fact: Apparently, during one shooting day, the set was invaded by a stampede of cattle. Somehow, I get the impression that this would be a better movie than the one we got.
  
• You know, would a snake even get that far on a train? I mean, between cars? I know there's gangways between cars, but they're in the luggage car. Does there tend to be a gangway between the luggage car and the publicly accessible sections of the train?
  
• And now the snakes the woman regurgitates have to be kept together in glass jars for whatever cure the shaman has to work. 
  
• "Open the Box. Someone told me it's called the Lament Configuration or something."
  
• Okay, I had a yawn and all of a sudden Jesus is pulling out a guy's heart from his chest with Troma-level special effects and it's infested with baby snakes.
  
• What's his deal? Obviously, he comes from a timeline where Brad Pitt's character from 12 Monkeys decided to become a cowboy.
  
• Silencio, Silencio, No hay Banda, No Hay Banda. And if you got that, you probably have good taste in film.
  
• Cowboy Brad Pit is really rapey, it turns out. And this leads to the most boring sexual assault in cinematic history.
  
• Wait, looking at that one snake, it looks like at least some are definitely harmless. Red to black, friend to Jack, Red to Yellow, kill a fellow. That one snake is definitely a friend to Jack.
  
• That wasn't a little girl, dude. That was a grown woman he was raping.
  
• Is it just me or does the audio sound like it's clipping a lot of the time? 
  
• Well that was an ass pull of a twist: the woman turns into a giant snake and eats the train. Fun Fact: this scene was apparently added just to appease audiences in Japan.
  
• No, she's not wrapping the train around her, she's just eating it the normal way.
  
• Is that the vortex from the Director's Cut of Donnie Darko? And are the even going to explain how they escaped the train after the snake woman ate it?
  

And so, next week, because there's only two sci-fi movies eligible for the Project left on Tubi, and R.O.T.O.R. looks more interesting than Rollerball 2002, I'll be watching that movie. Hell, given that Paul Verhoeven has said that Robocop, which it seems like a direct ripoff of is an allegory for Jesus, maybe this is a fitting film for the week following Easter. Maybe I should have done that, but it's too late now.

And, just to be on the safe side, I decided to check what films are left on Tubi for the Project:

Action: Hangmen

Comedy:

• Deck the Halls (Netflix)
  
• InAPPropriate Comedy
  
• Joe Piscopo: A Night at Club Piscopo
  
• Surf School
  
• Swept Away
  

Drama: Singing Forest [PRIDE MONTH]

Horror:

• Alice in Murderland
  
• Arachnicide
  
• Creepozoids
  
• Curse of Pirate Death
  
• Destination: Infestation
  
• Devilman 2004
  
• Hobgoblins
  
• House of the Dead (Hulu)
  
• I Spit on Your Grave: Deja Vu
  
• Monster
  
• Shark Exorcist [SHARK WEEK]
  
• The Source (Pluto/Tubi)
  

Sci-Fi:

• R.O.T.O.R. [NEXT WEEK]
  
• Rollerball 2002
  

Youth:

• Cry Wilderness 
  
• Home Alone 4 (Disney+) [XMAS]
  
• Home Sweet Home Alone (Disney+) [XMAS]
  
• Leo the Lion (Amazon Prime)
  
• Three Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain 
  
• Zoo Wars
  

[Gwaithmir]

[Fake Messiah]

I watched that biopic about Ryan White (the kid who was stigmatized because he had AIDS in the 1980s). I was disappointed because there was no Michael Jackson character since they were big friends and I really wondered what role he played in all of this. Reading on Wikipedia I was surprised to discover that even Donald Trump attended his funeral in 1990 - I mean why?