joke time

[Cato]

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

On a tramp though the wilds of County Cork, a man catches himself a leprechaun and demands his crock of gold.

'Arrah, we don't do that n'more,' says the little fella. 'These days it's three wishes. But fair warning - what ever you wish for, I have to give your worst enemy in the world double that. Ye game?'

'I am,' says the man.

'Go on, then,' says the leprechaun, 'give us your first wish.'

'I'd like a gorgeous 30 room mansion, to live out the rest of my days in,' the man answers. No sooner has he said it, than *whump* the fine big house appears, but just the other side of the glen appears one twice as big, twice as fine.

'Second wish?'

'I was twenty of the most beautiful, sexually eager women in the world to wait on me hand and foot and to fulfill my every desire.' In a twinkling, a score of complete stunners - none of them wearing much more than a smile and a hair ribbon - appear out of nowhere, and begin filing into the mansion. At the enemy's mansion, however, a full forty equally beautiful women appear.'

'You've done well enough so far,' says the leprechaun, 'but folk usually fail at the third wish. Think carefully and tell me what it'll be.'

The man thinks hard for a minute or two, looks up with a smile and says, 'I'd like ONE of my testicles to disappear.'

Boru

[Little lunch]

This bloke buys a cattle station in North Queensland. After a few nights his closest neighbour drives up and introduces himself.
'We're having a barbie tonight since your new to welcome you to the place.'
'Sounds great', says the newcomer, 'what's it gonna be like?'
'There's gonna be drinking and smoking and laughing and kissing and fighting and fucking. It's gonna be a real doozy.'
'Sounds great, how many people are coming?'
'Just you and me buddy.'

[JeffofGallifrey]

A communist, a Muslim, and an illegal alien walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Hello, Mr. President."

[ShaMan]

How many Christians does it take to change a lightbulb?
(WIP. Best answer gets big kudos and a sloppy kiss from Losty!)

Attempt #1

None, they like being kept in the dark.

None. They have fire.

[Ben Davis]

Not many urban Brits make jokes about Roman numerals
but I is one.

[Exian]

I'm a sucker for any joke that starts of with a talking animal. (The Bible, for instance.)

Two turtles are just arriving at their campsite and they start unpacking their gear. They set out the tents, unpack the cooking pot, place the food cooler by the fire, and set up the keg. The first turtle is rummaging through their bags and looks up.

Turtle 1 "Dude, you forgot to pack the keg tap!"

T2 "Ahshit! Now what?"

T1 "Well, that was your responsibility, so you go get the tap and I'll stay here and watch the campsite."

T2 "No way! We're turtles! Do you know how long that's gonna take me? By the time I get back, you'll have eaten all the food."

T1 "No, I won't!"

T2 "You will too!"

T1 "Look, I promise--I will not eat anything until you get back."

The second turtle looks at his friend suspiciously...

T2 "ohhh alright. I'll be back. Don't eat anything!"

And with that, off the second turtle went through the woods to get the keg tap.

Turtle number 1 sat down at the fire and pulled out his harmonica to pass the time. He played a few songs and checked his watch. An hour has already passed! A few songs later and a few more hours pass. Soon it's night time and he's hungry. He's eyeing up the food cooler but he remembers his promise. He lies down in his sleeping bag and falls asleep with a hungry belly.

The next morning he wakes up starving. He approaches the cooler, but fights it off at the last second.

A full day passes again.

Now he's starving! The turtle would hate to go back on his turtle word, but if he doesn't eat he fears he'll die. He walks up to the cooler and decides on a small bag of chips. He slowly pulls it out of the cooler and rips the bag open. He pulls out a single chip and places it in his mouth and crunches down.

The second turtle hops out from behind a bush "Ah-ha! I fucking knew it!"

[Cyberman]

I'm going to open my own pirate sperm bank.

With a yo ho ho and a bottle of cum.

[fr0d0]

Thanks. I was feeling a little sick already

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Three Irishmen walked into a bar. The first two ducked, the third was treated for a minor scalp wound.

Boru