joke time

[Ben Davis]

Got sent this on FB. I lol'd

[Darinda]

An engineer dies and presents himself at the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name, accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.

He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets

And escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy

One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"

Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators.

And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

"What!" God exclaims, "You've got an engineer?

That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."

"Not a chance," Satan replies, "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"

God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?

[FatAndFaithless]

Going on the lawyer thing~

What's the difference between a dead snake in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?

The snake has skid marks leading up to it.

[Darinda]

LIBRARY SEATING

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library.

He asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?

The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU!
What makes you think I'm that kind of girl?"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly
embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and
said with a laugh: "I'm studying psychology, and I am working on my Masters'
degree. I guess you felt embarrassed, right? As part of my degree program,
I'm studying unexpected reactions and how people respond to them."

The guy then responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S
ROBBERY! YOU'RE NOT WORTH THAT MUCH!!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy then whispered in her ear: "I have a law degree: I know how to screw
people."

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

As often happens in jokes like this one, three nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates at the same time. St Peter looks over their files and says, 'Sisters, you've all done very well. In ordinary times, there would be no question of admitting you. However, Heaven is stuffed to the gills, so I'm afraid you'll each have to answer a theological question to gain admittance.

The nuns agree, and Peter says to the first of them, 'What was the name of the first man?'

Without a moment's hesitation, the nun answers, 'Adam', and Peter admits her.

He then turns to the second nun. 'Now for your question: What was the name of the first woman?' Then nun instantly answers, 'Eve', and Peter waves her through.

Turning to the third and final nun, Peter asks her, 'What was the first thing the first woman said to the first man?'

The nun has a long, slow think and finally says, 'Gosh, that's a hard one.'

She got in.

Boru

[Minimalist]

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

The Old Man says, "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months."

"But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days."

"But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea...Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board."

"But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

"But ya fuck one goat..."

[Diablo]

Question: What do the Catholic Church and CERN have in common?
Answer: They're both Mass Debaters.

[Cyberman]

The Morecambe and Wise classic, first revealed in full in their 1972 Parkinson interview:

There were two old men sat in deckchairs.

The first one says "It's nice out, isn't it?"

The other one says "Yes it is. I think I'll take mine out."

[JeffofGallifrey]

How many Christians does it take to change a lightbulb?
(WIP. Best answer gets big kudos and a sloppy kiss from Losty!)

Attempt #1

None, they like being kept in the dark.

We don't neeeeed light bulbs. We are the light of the world, the shining city on a hill. Why would weeeeeee need lightbulbs?
(goes and spends a fortune on invisible light bulbs that were invented by an atheist scientist.)

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Once upon a time, there were two Christians.

NOW look how many there are.

Boru