joke time

[Jackalope]

PUNCHLINES ONLY

...Rectum? Damn near killed him!

[The Valkyrie]

. . . That'll take the old contagious.

[Little lunch]

and I bet she's seen a cockatoo.

[ShaMan]

I've told this elsewhere; this repeat is for those who've either not seen it, or who enjoyed it before.

---

A 5 year old boy goes up to his mother and asks… “Mommy, how old are you?” The mother laughs nervously as she replies… “Oh honey, there are just some things you’re not supposed to ask a lady.”

Curiously, the boy inquires further… “Mommy, how much do you weigh?” Again, nervously, the mother gently replies… “Now honey, that’s another thing you should never ask a lady.”

The young boy, still curious and now frustrated, makes one final attempt at questioning his mother when he asks her… “Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?” The mother, now very focused, carefully replies… “Oh honey, your daddy and I each love you very much. It has nothing to do with you. It’s just a grown-up thing. Please don’t worry about that.”

The next day at school, the boy’s best buddy notices the frustration in his friend and asks him… “Hey, why are you so down today?” The first boy replies… “I feel like my mom is hiding stuff from me. She won’t answer any of my questions.” He tells his buddy the questions his mom wouldn’t answer, and his friend replies… “If you wait until your mom is in the shower, then you can look at her driver’s license - it should have all the answers there.”

Excited, the next day, while his mother is in the shower, he goes to her purse and finds his answers there on her driver’s license. Armed with new data, the boy waits until his mother comes out of the shower and he approaches her to say… “Mommy, I know how old you are.” to which she replies… “Oh honey, I told you…” The boy interrupts her saying… “You’re 35.” Nervously, the mother says.. “that’s right honey. How did you…” Interrupting her again he says… “And I also know that you weigh 125lbs.” Astonished, the mother replies… ”How in the world…” And in one final interruption, the boy says… “AND, I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

Shocked and curious, the mother asks her son… “Oh honey, why do you think your daddy and I got a divorce?” To which the boy replies…

---

“Because you got an 'F' in sex.”

---

[Thumpalumpacus]

hahahaha

---

Did you hear about the two blondes that got killed out past Ojai?

Seems they were out on a hike and came across a set of tracks.

"We'd better be careful, those look like bear tracks," said one.

"Like, totally, no," said the second, "those are mountain lion tracks."

"Fer sure, I've been out here, those are bear tracks."

They fussed over it for a minute or two, and then a train came along and hit them.

[ShaMan]

A blonde goes to her doctor complaining about a skin rash just above her naval area. The doctor tells her to go home and soak in a bathtub filled with milk to the level of the effected area. After repeating the treatment several times over the course of several days, with no relief, she returned to her doctor and reported that her condition was the same. The doctor asked her if the milk she used was Pasteurized, and she said. "No, just up to my naval like you said."

[Thumpalumpacus]

How do you know a blonde has been using your computer?

There's whiteout on the screen.

*******

What do you call five blondes standing in line?

A wind tunnel.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, 'Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!'

The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off the van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, 'Did you get these marks having sex?' The girl is a bit embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly the doctor muses, "I thought so...You've got the worst case of van aerial disease I've ever seen.'

Boru

[Cyberman]

First woman on the Moon:

"Houston, we have a problem."

Roger that, we copy. What is it?

"Nothing."

No, really, what's the problem?

"You know what the problem is."

[Cyberman]

Apparently, a Muslim girl has been excluded from her school in Camden for wearing a veil.

Interestingly, if she lived in a Muslim country she would have the right to wear a veil as much as she wants. She just wouldn't be allowed to go to school.