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RE: joke time
September 26, 2015 at 9:49 am
-we're breaking up.
-is it because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
-yes.
-but Aeneid you!
"Every luxury has a deep price. Every indulgence, a cosmic cost. Each fiber of pleasure you experience causes equivalent pain somewhere else. This is the first law of emodynamics [sic]. Joy can be neither created nor destroyed. The balance of happiness is constant.
Fact: Every time you eat a bite of cake, someone gets horsewhipped.
Facter: Every time two people kiss, an orphanage collapses.
Factest: Every time a baby is born, an innocent animal is severely mocked for its physical appearance. Don't be a pleasure hog. Your every smile is a dagger. Happiness is murder.
Vote "yes" on Proposition 1321. Think of some kids. Some kids."
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RE: joke time
September 26, 2015 at 1:45 pm
I got invited to a party and was
told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard
and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Rick
woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. ...That's
when he realized he had made it home safely.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from
the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.
After both suffering from depression for a while,
me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But
strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to
feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, ...soldier on!"
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RE: joke time
September 26, 2015 at 1:59 pm
A man and his wife were trying to find a new apartment but they couldn’t find anybody who would rent to a family with 7 children. So the next time they saw an apartment they liked the man told his wife to take the 5 youngest children and wait for him in the cemetery. She didn’t understand this but she loved and trusted her husband so she complied. Then he took the 2 oldest children to see the apartment manager. They talked about all the usual stuff, rent, deposit, security check, utilities, pets, etc. then the manager asked the expected question.
Manager: How many children do you have?
Man: I have 7 children (squeezing his sons’ hands and looking away) But 5 of them are in the cemetery with their dear mother.
The god who allows children to be raped out of respect for the free will choice of the rapist, but punishes gay men for engaging in mutually consensual sex couldn't possibly be responsible for an intelligently designed universe.
I may defend your right to free speech, but i won't help you pass out flyers.
Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.
--Voltaire
Nietzsche isn't dead. How do I know he lives? He lives in my mind.
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RE: joke time
September 26, 2015 at 5:03 pm
"Let me see," said the blind carpenter, as he picked up his hammer and saw.
The god who allows children to be raped out of respect for the free will choice of the rapist, but punishes gay men for engaging in mutually consensual sex couldn't possibly be responsible for an intelligently designed universe.
I may defend your right to free speech, but i won't help you pass out flyers.
Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.
--Voltaire
Nietzsche isn't dead. How do I know he lives? He lives in my mind.
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RE: joke time
September 26, 2015 at 5:41 pm
What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
Is anything all alright?
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RE: joke time
September 27, 2015 at 2:50 pm
Joe the bum was digging through the trash looking for something to eat when he heard somebody say “Hey, son”. He looked around and saw a long stretch limousine. Well, he didn’t know anybody who drove a limo, so he kept about his search.
Somebody: Son, please step over here. I’m in the limo.
Now Joe knew they were calling him. There was no one else on the street. But he felt ashamed to approach such a wealthy person in such a clean white limo, with his dirty rags, shoes talking and body unwashed for weeks.
Somebody: Don’t be shy, son. I have a heart for people like you.
So Joe eased over to the limo and looked in the back window.
Joe: damn, if it ain’t the fucking pope. I mean, excuse my filthy mouth. I don’t know better.
Pope: I give you complete absolution, son. Just say 10 Hail Mary’s and all will be forgiven.
Joe: Hell Mary? Now I know that’s going to get me in trouble with the man upstairs, cussing his mother and shit.
Pope: Add another Hail Mary for that one.
Then the pope reached down into a pocket in his robes and pulled out a huge roll of bills held together by a silver ribbon and began to untie the ribbon.
Pope: I want you to have this.
Joe: Aw no man, you don’t have to do that for me.
Pope: It’s the least I can do to show my heartfelt love for the downtrodden.
Joe: naw, I don’t want to put you out.
Pope: You aren’t putting me out. There’s plenty more where this came from.
Joe: I’ll bet.
Pope: Here, son, take this ribbon and hold your shoe together.
He put the money back in his pocket.
Pope: Home, Rochester!
The god who allows children to be raped out of respect for the free will choice of the rapist, but punishes gay men for engaging in mutually consensual sex couldn't possibly be responsible for an intelligently designed universe.
I may defend your right to free speech, but i won't help you pass out flyers.
Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.
--Voltaire
Nietzsche isn't dead. How do I know he lives? He lives in my mind.
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RE: joke time
September 27, 2015 at 4:53 pm
There was quite a famous graffito in Belfast on Queen's Street, a staunchly Protestant neighbourhood. Someone had painted on one of the Peace Walls, 'NO POPE HERE!'
Under that, in different-coloured paint, someone had written, 'LUCKY OLD POPE'.
Boru
‘But it does me no injury for my neighbour to say there are twenty gods or no gods. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.’ - Thomas Jefferson
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RE: joke time
September 27, 2015 at 9:26 pm
(This post was last modified: September 27, 2015 at 10:08 pm by Cyberman.)
There was an American tourist on the train today, being uncharacteristically loudmouthed and disparaging. Everything we passed he sneered at for being too small, too old-fashioned or pathetically quaint.
We went past a large country manor in its own grounds and he laughed mockingly. "Call that a house?" he sneered, "Why, my country's filled with places like that!"
At which point I couldn't resist leaning across and saying, "I don't doubt it. That's a mental hospital."
The whole carriage applauded.
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
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RE: joke time
September 27, 2015 at 10:16 pm
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I saw you on facebook
And wanked over you.
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
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RE: joke time
September 27, 2015 at 11:22 pm
A couple was visiting in Russia when they became disoriented. They stopped to ask directions from a guard.
"which way is the Kremlin?"
"Я не понимаю"
"Do you speak any English?"
"Я не понимаю"
"Est-ce que tu parles français?"
"Я не понимаю"
"Sprechen Sie deutsch?"
"Я не понимаю"
"Parli italiano?"
"Я не понимаю"
"Well I guess we aren't getting anywhere like this" "Let's head that way and maybe we can find someone else"
As the couple left, one guard looked at the other and said, "Maybe we should learn a couple of languages to deal with these tourists.".
The other guard says, "They knew four and look what good it did them."
You make people miserable and there's nothing they can do about it, just like god.
-- Homer Simpson
God has no place within these walls, just as facts have no place within organized religion.
-- Superintendent Chalmers
Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends. There are some things we don't want to know. Important things.
-- Ned Flanders
Once something's been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral.
-- The Rev Lovejoy
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