joke time

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Speaking of Scots (and why wouldn't we?), there's the story of the big, braw Scotsman who comes home with a black eye. And a beauty it was - several shades of yellow and purple, fading to deep black. Swollen, oozing a bit - all in all, a glory.

His missus takes a look at him and asks, 'Who's hung the mouse under your eye?'

'I dinna wan talk aboot it,' he grumps. After a solid ten minutes of badering by his good woman, the Scotsman finally answers,' Ah, woman, if ye MUST me told, it was Smythe give it tae me.'

'What?!' she gasps. 'Smythe, the Englishman? That wee, puny, snotty, underfed, sassanach? The miserable, runty, scabrous...'

'Peace, woman,' he interrupts. 'Dinna speak ill of the dead.'

Boru

[IATIA]

There was a man visiting in Spain doing the tourist thing. As evening approached, he decided to stop for dinner.

The waiter brings him a glass of water and a menu, which he immediately starts to peruse.

After a bit, the waiter returns and asks if the man is ready to order. The patron started his order when he sees a large plate of spaghetti brought to the neighboring table with some giant meatballs.

The man decides to order the spaghetti, but the waiter said that it was a limited special and he would have to return tomorrow early enough to get the plate.

The patron continues with his order and decides he would return tomorrow.

The next day, the man returns to the restaurant and immediately orders the 'special' spaghetti.

When to plate arrives, the man commented that the meatballs were much smaller than the plate he saw yesterday, upon which the waiter responds, "Senior, sometimes the bull, he wins.".

[Minimalist]

I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the Priest comes in. I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replies:
"Well not exactly my Son, you're on my side!

[The Valkyrie]

I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the Priest comes in. I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replies:
"Well not exactly my Son, you're on my side!

I thought the choirboy pinup calendar would have given it away?

[Outtahere]

A friend was sharing some of his experiences from basic training, and when he got to the story of his first parachute drop, he said ... "I was last in line, and the Sargent was slapping everyone on the ass and screaming GERONIMO as he pushed them out of the plane ... but when it came my time , I just couldn't do it , my knees were knocking, my teeth were chattering, and I told the Sargent ... I just cant !"

Then he tells me that the Sargent threatened him with anal rape if he didn't get his ass outta the plane ...

So I asked ... "well, did you jump ?"

He replied .... "just a little at first "

Doc

[Minimalist]

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice,"Easy, William, we won't be long . . . Easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say,
"It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here.Hang in there, boy"

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice,
"William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . . .
The little shit's name is Kevin."

[KUSA]

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.

The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said "So why are you here?" The yellow Lab replied "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything... the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed".

The black Lab said "So what's the vet going to do ? " "Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down".

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "Why are you here?" The Black Lab said "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch".

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too" the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked "Why are you here? "I'm a humper" said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away".

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?" The Great Dane said "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

[KUSA]

A man walks into a public men's room. His arms are held awkwardly out to his sides, forearms hanging limply, fingers spread apart.

He approaches another man and asks "Excuse me, but could you please unzip my fly?"

The second fellow is embarrassed, but feels sorry for the stranger, who appears to be crippled. He thinks how humiliating it must be to have to ask for help for something like this, so he complies, unzipping the first man's pants.

Next, the man asks him to hold his cock while he pees.

The second guy is even more embarrassed, but does as he is asked.

Finally, the first guy finishes, and the second man starts to put his cock back in his pants.

"Oh, I can take care of that" the first man says, blowing on his fingers. "I think my nails are dry now".

[Exian]

A man's wife gives birth to their first child after after an unusually long labor and a few complications. The baby is whisked away for surgery. After a few hours, the doctor approaches the parents:

"We have good news and bad news. The good news is you have a beautiful 7lb baby boy. The bad news is after extensive surgery, he's just a head."

Well, those young new parents were very brave and did everything they could to raise their child with love and care. And on his twelfth birthday the doctor called with great news:

"We have found a torso that we think will be a perfect match for your little boy/head. We need you to come in immediately for surgery."

The couple couldn't believe the news and the good fortune of it falling on their sons birthday. They ran up to his room shouting and making a ruckus. The father yells "We have the perfect birthday present for a boy like you!"

The boy looks up from the floor and says "It better not be another fucking hat."

[IATIA]

There was a man involved in an industrial accident that involved the loss of his manhood.

While in the hospital, a specialist came in to talk to the man about a new experimental procedure that would replace his manhood.

After discussing it with the doctor for quite sometime, the man ultimately decided to go for it with the caveat that the doctor not inform his wife.

The surgery went well and the man finally returned home whereupon he broke the news to his wife.

"Can I see it?", his wife asks.

The man opens his zipper shows her that his manhood was replaced with a baby elephant trunk which immediately started waving around and reached for a bun on the table and tucked back in his pants.

"Ooh, ooh! Can I see that again?"

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"I don't think I can handle another bun up my ass!"

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