Are you okay with your (or your partner's) vajayjay?

[MTL]

EXCELLENT clarity in this post, about the boundaries of homophobia.  Well done.

This also calls to mind another paradox I've observed in commercial pornography, and it sort of ties into my post about tribadism:

Women who are genuinely enjoying themselves during sex, are usually women who are not in the least bit self-conscious.

Women in commercial porn are going to great lengths to CONVINCE the male viewers that she is enjoying herself,
when in fact she is the most self-conscious that a woman can be, during sex,
and is therefore, usually, not really enjoying herself at all.

Hence the paradox:

Women are supposed to ACT like they're enjoying everything the man is doing (for his own enjoyment) during sex;

...but a woman who is GENUINELY enjoying herself is still treated by many as if she is being selfish or gross or unfeminine.

Thank you. Totally agree, re: sexual dynamics in porn, reality versus fantasy.

However, I should pick a small bone (hehe) with you about how it was phrased. A woman who is genuinely enjoying herself may be seen as a threat to the man's masculinity, since we are taught that it is our job  to please the woman through our godlike performance with our magical baton. This is why small-penis porn is barely a thing. (No pun intended this time.) For men, it's a fantasy that if I just had a big enough wang and "banged" her hard enough with it, I'll make her squeal like he does. The woman-who-takes-sexual-power-for-herself concept dates back to the legend of the demon-woman, Lilith, who wanted to be on top.

An ex-GF of mine, who was in grad school to become a sex therapist, was fond of the expression, "Ladies, you are responsible for your own orgasms." She was also fond of pointing to the research that showed men on average tend to be deeply intimidated by the concept of a non-weak woman, even an intelligent woman, because of the cultural power-dynamics they feel they are required to maintain in order to "be a Real Man", as the cliché goes.

Oddly, I  found the concept oddly freeing, for it allowed me to see her as a co-equal partner in bed, and the very fact that I was freed from feeling the sole responsibility for "making her come" actually improved my sexual performance, allowed me to be more honest about what did and didn't please her, and allowed me to enjoy her efforts on my behalf without feeling bad about it.

oh, of COURSE.  Why didn't I think of that?

I once tried to convey that very idea to a guy, only backwards:

I said, if a woman doesn't WANT to come, nothing you do is going to MAKE her come.

I couldn't figure out at the time why he looked so stricken.

Poor guy.  He thought it was his job, or worse, a measure of how much of a man he was.

Actually, this points to an even larger picture of social dynamics:

I always wanted to be as self-sufficient a person as possible,
and not ever be accused of having a man "carry" me through life;

Ironically, many men, for all their complaining about "the ole' ball-and-chain"
seem to almost resent a woman who is too self-sufficient;
because it's like they take it as an insult....like she has no use for him.

And once again, the diametric misunderstanding! 

it's just the opposite:  I wanted his respect,
and I wanted him to know that I respected him, too;

I wanted him to know that I wasn't about to "use" him as a pack-mule to get through life.