Still struggling.

[Socratic Meth Head]

Yeah, talking to your therapist is definitely a good idea.  The unfortunate reality is that religion tends to reinforce mental illness due to its pervasive nature.  It's really designed to generate doubts and fears, and then exploit them to create subservience.  It makes the disease it claims to cure.

I told my friend DJ, he owns his own gym and is a martial arts guys who lives near me. We got on the discussion while I was working out and he probably got worried that I didn't believe and told my parents. I really feel hopeless. Everything I see I doubt, Everyone I meet must re-assure me, Everytime I leave the house I get horrible anxiety. I even hallucinated because of it, while driving I saw a dark figure dead in front of me, I slammed on the breaks, almost going off the road, only to see it was gone. I am watching a documentary about Richard Dawkins (If you couldn't tell already I admire him a lot) and there is a nerve that goes down the neck and up the neck again, only to go to a destination 2 inches from where it started. I know it makes no sense for it to go that way, but my mind feels so certain that it makes sense and I get horrible doubt about the littlest fucking thing.

I know it seems kinda, weird I guess I'll say, to get so worried about whether or not you think a nerve's path makes any sense, but I can't help it.

I'll try and explain what it feels like for me for people that don't know. This is a bit personal, I don't like getting very personal on the internet.

I have had POCD and Harm OCD. I am currently dealing with HOCD, and I believe me getting anxiety about turning into a christian is some form of
OCD undiscovered to me. May I say before this, I am not a homophobe and I have had gay friends. I am sorry if this is seen as offensive to anyone.
 I just wish to show what things bother me in the best sense possible. Anyway, imagine you are out walking around. Having a great day. Out of nowhere you see a good looking member of the same sex. You immediatley say "Oh No, did I find him attractive? I know I didn't, I didn't get sexually aroused I know it. Did I?" You have pop-up thoughts like "You are gay, your whole life of being attracted to women is a lie." you get a shockwave of fear and doubt and now all you can think about is whether or not you are gay. You check, you watch gay porn to make sure you are not aroused or you watch straight porn to make sure you are aroused. Deep down, you know you are not gay. But you have so much doubt you can't grasp what you are and what you are not. It sounds so silly. And yet it is so distressing to anyone who has it. Even Gay people get anxiety about turning straight. Last time I tried explaining what I was dealing with. I had twenty people messaging me on some other forum website calling me gay. Anxiety sure followed and I never went back to those forums again.

I get this, and also thoughts like "This trip with athiesm is just a phase, you will always be a Christian." And I get a lot of anxiety. I look at the evidence and I doubt so much that it is indescribable. Its like if OCD could speak it would be saying "Ignore the evidence, What I say goes." And I am consumed with doubt.


For all of you this sounds so silly and something I do not need to worry about. To me, it's a horrible issue with constant obsession, checking, and anxiety.