Damn, man, I'm so sorry. 
I'm definitely no therapist, but I will say that one of the big benefits of being an atheist is that skepticism is a great tool to use against stigma. When you realize there's no invisible parental figure judging your every second of existence, and that there's no divine and eternal punishment for being 'wrong', and that the notion of 'wrong' that felt so pervasive came from a bunch of ancient Middle Eastern goat fuckers who really didn't have any special wisdom (beyond knowing which goats were the best lay), well, things get easier. Because then the answer to "What if..?" is simply "So what? Are you happy? Fulfilled? If so, cool, if not, try to figure it out and work on it. No pressure, you got this."
The first steps in leaving religion are always the hardest. You've been taught a certain way to think and see the world, to the point where it's your default setting and is relatively comforting if only because it's familiar. Not only that, but the religion itself has safeguards built in to stop people from leaving. Doubt, fear, guilt - these emotions are purposely created by religion to keep the masses in line.
Note that I'm not saying Christianity but religion in general. The common threads in religion are that spreading the faith is paramount and that unbelievers are a threat. That's why it's so hard to break away.
Religion is something of a mental addiction. The deeper you're in, the harder it is to get out and the more painful the transition is. I daresay that a lot (most?) of what you're feeling is normal, so try to take some solace in that. It does get better with time, and for my money, life is a lot more amazing and meaningful without the mental safety net/training wheels of a god.
I'm definitely no therapist, but I will say that one of the big benefits of being an atheist is that skepticism is a great tool to use against stigma. When you realize there's no invisible parental figure judging your every second of existence, and that there's no divine and eternal punishment for being 'wrong', and that the notion of 'wrong' that felt so pervasive came from a bunch of ancient Middle Eastern goat fuckers who really didn't have any special wisdom (beyond knowing which goats were the best lay), well, things get easier. Because then the answer to "What if..?" is simply "So what? Are you happy? Fulfilled? If so, cool, if not, try to figure it out and work on it. No pressure, you got this."
The first steps in leaving religion are always the hardest. You've been taught a certain way to think and see the world, to the point where it's your default setting and is relatively comforting if only because it's familiar. Not only that, but the religion itself has safeguards built in to stop people from leaving. Doubt, fear, guilt - these emotions are purposely created by religion to keep the masses in line.
Note that I'm not saying Christianity but religion in general. The common threads in religion are that spreading the faith is paramount and that unbelievers are a threat. That's why it's so hard to break away.
Religion is something of a mental addiction. The deeper you're in, the harder it is to get out and the more painful the transition is. I daresay that a lot (most?) of what you're feeling is normal, so try to take some solace in that. It does get better with time, and for my money, life is a lot more amazing and meaningful without the mental safety net/training wheels of a god.
"I was thirsty for everything, but blood wasn't my style" - Live, "Voodoo Lady"
