Still struggling.

[Socratic Meth Head]

It doesn't sound silly to me at all.

I have been diagnosed with extremely mild OCPD, which isn't the same as OCD, but some of the manifestations can be similar.

You have to practice allowing yourself to be unsure. It's okay to not make a yes or no, black or white, dichotomous decision about everything. Finding a man attractive wouldn't mean anything other than that you are human. I see men I find attractive all the time, and I identify as straight. People are good looking, that would be normal.

If you are still caught in the clutches of your indoctrination, then the best advice I can give is to come up with some sort of thought stopper that lets you off the hook. Be a neutral observer for 6 months. You are neither theist or atheist. You are assessing the situation. Write a journal, if it helps. Make a list of all of the things that are convincing to you on either side of the argument. Then look for corroborating evidence. Let no one---atheist or theist---tell you what to believe. The only way you are going to convince yourself that the doubts you have are okay is to practice allowing yourself to have doubts and see them through. Stop beating yourself up for doubting anything. That's skepticism, and that, to me, is the most healthy of brain states.

You will get there. Hell, you might re-discover god in your search. That would be okay, too. You'll be welcome here to vent just the same. You, Kingpin, and Catholic_Lady can share the terrarium we keep the theists we like in.

Thanks so much for your understanding.
The thought of rediscovering god gives me anxiety. Hopefully this blows over because I am fearing what does not need to be feared. Thanks for your support because it only helps me feel less weird and alone, I feel so much better whenever I know I have people who don't think I'm just silly or paranoid or whatever.
As for going through the 6 month agnostic idea. I am unsure. I already get enough doubts and strange thoughts as it is. Changing the belief I have fought so hard to maintain over OCD and indoctrination and my parents would be distressing to say the least. I think It's best to just re-focus my attention and divert my mindset onto something that occupies me while I take my medicine and get my therapy. I will keep it in mind if I just can't stop doubting though.