Still struggling.

[Socratic Meth Head]

Thanks so much for your understanding.
The thought of rediscovering god gives me anxiety. Hopefully this blows over because I am fearing what does not need to be feared. Thanks for your support because it only helps me feel less weird and alone, I feel so much better whenever I know I have people who don't think I'm just silly or paranoid or whatever.
As for going through the 6 month agnostic idea. I am unsure. I already get enough doubts and strange thoughts as it is. Changing the belief I have fought so hard to maintain over OCD and indoctrination and my parents would be distressing to say the least. I think It's best to just re-focus my attention and divert my mindset onto something that occupies me while I take my medicine and get my therapy. I will keep it in mind if I just can't stop doubting though.

I wouldn't want to give advice that would undo work done with an actual professional who knows what the fuck they're talking about... I'm just a guy who thinks he knows...

I just think you have to get to a place where you realize it's perfectly normal and natural to feel unsure and have doubts. That doesn't mean you're broken or something's wrong with you. Not in the least. It means your brain is functioning normally. I realize that's easier said than done with OCD, and especially if that's how your particular brand of OCD manifests itself.

I think you should discuss the stuffing/distraction method you're using with your therapist. That seems like a great short term solution, but a bad long term one. It's like taking Vicoden to mask the pain of a broken bone. Once the Vicoden wears off, you still have a broken bone. You have to set the bone. The bone is the anxiety.

Also, remember that belief is not a choice. You cannot choose to believe in god or not to--any more than I can choose to believe that the stapler on my desk will talk to me in the next minute. The belief is the result of my brain consuming and evaluating evidence. "Changing the belief," as you said, is not possible in the sense that you can volitionally make your brain go back to a state. When I said you might re-discover god, I didn't mean that you might decide, "fuck it--I'm going back." I meant you might discover something that convinces you beyond doubt that it's a worthwhile proposition. I think that's highly doubtful considering the way you present yourself here as a thoughtful, intelligent, skeptical person--but the point is being a skeptic means you never permanently make up your mind about big things like this.

I didn't mean to word myself in that manner. Whenever I say I "Chose" to be atheist. I meant that I saw the evidence and had changed my view on the world. I assumed you didnt mean that all of a sudden I would just say "kk time to go back now". Still, I want to loose faith in the sense that I wanted to remove believing without seeing. To me thats kinda what faith means. I kinda word myself weirdly and I'm sorry about that.