Still struggling.

[Socratic Meth Head]

Indoctrination is a really powerful thing. It causes grown adults to go through their whole lives, right into their grave, believing in fairy stories.

You've done really well to break free at an early age. But it's still got its hooks into your emotions, and our emotions are very powerful things. Even when we know they are illogical, they can swipe the logic aside and smother us. I'm really sad for what you're going through, but I think it's perfectly natural.

All I can say is that in almost every case I've ever heard about, the effect of the indoctrination does fade over time. Even if it doesn't fully go away, it gets easier to deal with.

Have you tried yelling at God? Challenging him to come do something? Told him to fuck off? Invited him to kill you? This has helped some people I've known.

I have, I've said "Fuck you" to him many times and I had zero emotional response to it. I've called god false pretty loud, nothing.

This is the almost EXACT pattern of HOCD and Harm OCD, with the unwanted though > Anxiety > Re-Assurance > Repeat. Except replace anxiety with painful doubt.