Still struggling.

[MTL]

My mom says "You know in your heart of hearts believe". She says I am just rebelling.

Don't be surprised, as time goes on,
if this behaviour on her part turns out to extend beyond the religious stuff.

My own mother, a devout Christian,
has zero doubt, by this point,
of my Agnosticism and my profound Anti-Theism views,
and knows far better, by now, than to try and engage me on the subject,
because she knows she'll be pulverized in a debate,

but that same pattern of denial still stretches to other things,
and it is just as maddening...for example:

Mom has enabled my narcissistic sister to destroy our family
but takes no responsibility for her own entirely pivotal role and the consequences that result;

I warned her and warned her and warned her that she was driving me away
and past the point of return,

yet only an hour ago,
Mom bizarrely asked me if I want to invite my sisters to my upcoming 40th birthday,
as if none of the shit of the past 10 years ever happened,
and as if I am not at this very moment struggling to cope with the enormous losses
and tragic fallout that resulted from all of Mom's favouritism,
and my sister's evil manipulations.

Unreal.

Well, I am not going to wear out my teeth knawing files.

Once I am finished dealing with my present situation,
THEN reality will come crashing down on my mother
....whether she's in denial, or not.

I have stopped expecting her to be reasonable,
and now just regard her as basically just a crazy old lady
to whom it is an utter waste of time to try to explain even the simplest concepts.

I just walk away when she says stupid shit like that,
not deeming it worthy of a reply.

The closest I get to "Believing" is getting a wave of emotion at upbeat, happy songs at church.
I appreciate the music.

Oh, you're not alone, there.

Some of the finest artwork, most exquisite music, and most magnificent architecture in all of human history,
has been created in praise of God....or in service of the Church, depending on how you look at it.

Just savour the honey, and cast away the sting, that's my advice.

My brother says "I know you will become a christian again, I did so you will."
and my mom agrees, saying "God will always find away."

I'm sorry, honey, but your brother sounds like a bit of a tool....and, I must say, a bit weak-minded, as well.

He took the easy road:  He caved in.  He didn't do the mental legwork.

It does NOT follow that just because he had a certain result, that you will too.

Very very very frequently, siblings end up going in opposite directions,
and being radically different people.

And your mom needs to be reminded that lots of people died without finding their way to God.

However,
a church roof in New Zealand found a way of collapsing and crushing the many faithful inside,
to death,

and a truck in Mexico, not long ago, found a way to plow into a procession of the faithful
who were in the very act of singing praises to God,
and kill a bunch of them, too.

And right now, right this very minute, the world over, lots of evil things are finding a way to happen, too,
and lots of bad people will get away with it and live long, prosperous lives.

God does NOT always find a way.