To kill a mocking depression

[robvalue]

Goosebumps: You are welcome to ask whatever questions you wish

I applaud you for taking a genuine interested and trying to understand. Not everyone does.

The pain... no, it's not physical. It is very hard to describe. It's like my brain is being hurt. The very essence of "me" is being stabbed repeatedly. It's a "pain" you can't pinpoint, or do anything to stop. It's like you're being attacked from the inside, from something that is already past any defences you have. This is my experience anyway, others may describe it differently.

Yes, the parasite hijacks my internal monologue. It's "another voice", but it disguises itself as being my normal voice. It spins things, warps things, and uses exactly what it knows will work to make the thought seem as rational as possible. It took a long time to be able to identify what was a parasite thought, and what wasn't. Because it includes grains of truth, like all good lies, it adds credibility to itself. Identifying it was a breakthrough and a relief; I thought I had simply changed. But the real me had just been subdued.

Reason does help. But when depression is at its worst, the emotional manipulation can overwhelm any logic. I mean, I consider myself a very logical and rational person. But my depression was convincing me (at my worst) that I should leave my wife. I'd somehow be happy if I was alone. I knew it made no sense, and the reasons it gave were convoluted, but the sheer emotional pressure squeezed the logic right out. My wife and I would work through every rational reason, we'd break it all down, but within five minutes my depression was saying, "Yeah but, you'd be happier on your own! It would solve all your problems!"

Looking back, as the strongest I've been since this bout of depression, I can see what it's game was. It wanted to isolate me. That way it would have no other voices of reason to compete with, and it could get on with talking me into killing myself. That's why my advice to depressed people is to pretty much do the opposite of what this parasite tells you. If it wants you isolate yourself, see more people. If it wants you to stay in bed all day, get up. If it wants you to quit your job, throw yourself into it more. I know these things are far more easily said than done. But the parasite does not have your best interest at heart. It's a disease which is trying to ruin you.