To kill a mocking depression

[J a c k]

Thank you, I appreciate that

Today has been hard. I don't know why. I've struggled to find the enthusiasm to do anything, even the things I enjoy.

It's because you don't eat bacon.   

Jk. I'm sorry, boo. I know those days. Do you and your wife like going to the movies? I find it relaxing when I have no motivation. You just have to sit there and the screen does everything for you.

[robvalue]

What!

Yeah, we like to go to the movies We do enjoy that a lot!

[Goosebump]

I read your post, I read the entire thread. I don't understand.

I liked your post. I thought it was interesting and I really was able to visualize the picture you painted. I like your writing style, I think is what I'm trying to say. You are vivid but not verbose. 

But why are you upset at ordinary things? I don't suffer from or understand depression. I don't know if it helps or hurts to explain it. I won't understand if you don't want to explain it. But I'll respect that you don't and won't ask again.

Your's truly, 

GB.

[J a c k]

I read your post, I read the entire thread. I don't understand.

I liked your post. I thought it was interesting and I really was able to visualize the picture you painted. I like your writing style, I think is what I'm trying to say. You are vivid but not verbose. 

But why are you upset at ordinary things? I don't suffer from or understand depression. I don't know if it helps or hurts to explain it. I won't understand if you don't want to explain it. But I'll respect that you don't and won't ask again.

Your's truly, 

GB.

Well, hello.
I'm not upset at ordinary things. My deppression has been ongoing since I was a child and it's a combination of brain chemicals, genetics, and actual life altering events that I experienced which are the culprits. This wasn't about ordinary things making me upset. It was about me living life, doing ordinary things, even though depression is there. I could cuddle up and cry myself a river alone at home every day, or go and live like ordinary humans do, even when I'm in crisis. I'm not always in crisis, though. I have good days. :

[Goosebump]

I read your post, I read the entire thread. I don't understand.

I liked your post. I thought it was interesting and I really was able to visualize the picture you painted. I like your writing style, I think is what I'm trying to say. You are vivid but not verbose. 

But why are you upset at ordinary things? I don't suffer from or understand depression. I don't know if it helps or hurts to explain it. I won't understand if you don't want to explain it. But I'll respect that you don't and won't ask again.

Your's truly, 

GB.

Well, hello.
I'm not upset at ordinary things. My deppression has been ongoing since I was a child and it's a combination of brain chemicals, genetics, and actual life altering events that I experienced which are the culprits. This wasn't about ordinary things making me upset. It was about me living life, doing ordinary things, even though depression is there. I could cuddle up and cry myself a river alone at home every day, or go and live like ordinary humans do, even when I'm in crisis. I'm not always in crisis, though. I have good days. :

So, for you, it's like a miasma that is always present then? So even if I took you to the movies and we were both super psyched about the flick, you'd still have that baseline miasma? When I'm starting from a "life is cool" base line? Sorry to boil it down. Just trying to understand it.

[robvalue]

It is very hard to describe. I think it's extremely hard for anyone who hasn't actually had depression to truly understand it.

It's not like being sad. It's not like being down, or having a bad day. At its worst, it's like your body screaming for death. Your mind begging for release, for this sorry existence full of suffering to end. It's like mental torture. It's a kind of pain like no other, that hits you in the most vulnerable places.

I talk about my depression like its an entity unto itself. That's how it feels. A parasite that has invaded by brain, but which disguises itself. As it has access to all my thoughts, it can pretend that the irrational, dark thoughts it sends me are my "real thoughts". It twists things, emotionally manipulates me, and can consume me. At my worst, I felt like I had about 5% of "me" still inside. The rest was the depression, saying "kill yourself". And it knows how to make it seem like an appealing idea.

It's like living between two worlds, where one of them has all the colour and feeling drained out, and is replaced with misery and torment. Some days I'm more in the same world as the non-depressed people, sometimes I'm straddling, and at my worst I'm sucked right into the other world. I'm pleased to say that the latter days have been very rare for a while, but that's a recent development following therapy and a lot of hard work.

I don't think anyone on the outside can truly understand (that's not an insult, it's just how it is) but people can sure as hell try to understand. My wife does an amazing job. All I can say is listen to depressed people, and take their words for what they are, and don't try and fit them into "your world". Don't try and put it down to something else, or compare it with "being down in the dumps". That's the worst thing you can do.

[Goosebump]

It is very hard to describe. I think it's extremely hard for anyone who hasn't actually had depression to truly understand it.

It's not like being sad. It's not like being down, or having a bad day. At its worst, it's like your body screaming for death. Your mind begging for release, for this sorry existence full of suffering to end. It's like mental torture. It's a kind of pain like no other, that hits you in the most vulnerable places.

I talk about my depression like its an entity unto itself. That's how it feels. A parasite that has invaded by brain, but which disguises itself. As it has access to all my thoughts, it can pretend that the irrational, dark thoughts it sends me are my "real thoughts". It twists things, emotionally manipulates me, and can consume me. At my worst, I felt like I had about 5% of "me" still inside. The rest was the depression, saying "kill yourself". And it knows how to make it seem like an appealing idea.

It's like living between two worlds, where one of them has all the colour and feeling drained out, and is replaced with misery and torment. Some days I'm more in the same world as the non-depressed people, sometimes I'm straddling, and at my worst I'm sucked right into the other world. I'm pleased to say that the latter days have been very rare for a while, but that's a recent development following therapy and a lot of hard work.

I don't think anyone on the outside can truly understand (that's not an insult, it's just how it is) but people can sure as hell try to understand. My wife does an amazing job. All I can say is listen to depressed people, and take their words for what they are, and don't try and fit them into "your world". Don't try and put it down to something else, or compare it with "being down in the dumps". That's the worst thing you can do.

I can say for a certain that I'll never conflate depression with "being down in the dumps" or a "bad day" ever. Thanks to you. If you feel like it I have more questions. If not no worries.

You say "It's a kind of pain like no other, that hits you in the most vulnerable places." I take it you don't mean physical? Or are there physical manifestations as well?


I really liked your description of a parasite. So it talks to you in your own voice? Like I have an internal monologue, I assume most do, but with your depression it can edit the script of that monologue and fuck with it? Or is it a secondary voice?

Does Reason help? Or can it's arguments just run you in circles?

[robvalue]

Goosebumps: You are welcome to ask whatever questions you wish

I applaud you for taking a genuine interested and trying to understand. Not everyone does.

The pain... no, it's not physical. It is very hard to describe. It's like my brain is being hurt. The very essence of "me" is being stabbed repeatedly. It's a "pain" you can't pinpoint, or do anything to stop. It's like you're being attacked from the inside, from something that is already past any defences you have. This is my experience anyway, others may describe it differently.

Yes, the parasite hijacks my internal monologue. It's "another voice", but it disguises itself as being my normal voice. It spins things, warps things, and uses exactly what it knows will work to make the thought seem as rational as possible. It took a long time to be able to identify what was a parasite thought, and what wasn't. Because it includes grains of truth, like all good lies, it adds credibility to itself. Identifying it was a breakthrough and a relief; I thought I had simply changed. But the real me had just been subdued.

Reason does help. But when depression is at its worst, the emotional manipulation can overwhelm any logic. I mean, I consider myself a very logical and rational person. But my depression was convincing me (at my worst) that I should leave my wife. I'd somehow be happy if I was alone. I knew it made no sense, and the reasons it gave were convoluted, but the sheer emotional pressure squeezed the logic right out. My wife and I would work through every rational reason, we'd break it all down, but within five minutes my depression was saying, "Yeah but, you'd be happier on your own! It would solve all your problems!"

Looking back, as the strongest I've been since this bout of depression, I can see what it's game was. It wanted to isolate me. That way it would have no other voices of reason to compete with, and it could get on with talking me into killing myself. That's why my advice to depressed people is to pretty much do the opposite of what this parasite tells you. If it wants you isolate yourself, see more people. If it wants you to stay in bed all day, get up. If it wants you to quit your job, throw yourself into it more. I know these things are far more easily said than done. But the parasite does not have your best interest at heart. It's a disease which is trying to ruin you.

[J a c k]

Heh. Miasma. 
Well, no. Most people around me have no idea. People enjoy spending time with me, and it's evident in the fact that I attract company even though I'm not a social butterfly. I'm not wearing it as a head piece. I have learned how to control it on most of my days. I genuinely enjoy my friends and family. Then it makes its appearance and boom. I have to invest energy which is already scarce in focusing, getting up, and living. Two worlds. (Sorry, my phone got super slow)

[robvalue]

That's a good point which I forgot.

Because of the internal struggle when depression hits, it takes a fuck load of mental energy just to keep yourself in this world enough to function. It's so draining. This is particularly unfortunate for me as chronic fatigue syndrome is the main reason I'm depressed.

People generally only see me when I'm at my best, so they develop a false idea about me. Also, they don't see the internal struggle I'm trying to push down, even on a good day.