To kill a mocking depression

[robvalue]

I'm sorry to hear you've been through it too Lauren

So when your normal are you able to reason against the "jerk"? Are you able to have a thought process outside the normal monologue? Or are you actively reasoning against the "jerk" like arguing with yourself?

Yeah, when I'm feeling strong, occasionally I notice that one of my thoughts is way out of whack. I should note that I'm not "hearing voices" as such, it's just the normal thought process. I'm sure everyone gets weird thoughts now and again, I did even when I was healthy. So when I'm in a relatively balanced state of mind, a sudden "Why don't you go kill yourself?" stands out like a sore thumb. I can tell that this thought has been hijacked by the jerk. It even makes me laugh in such blatant situations. The jerk knows this, which is why he holds back for fear of making himself too easy to spot.

I suppose the way I could describe it is I'm receiving mail. These are my thoughts. I open the mail, to see what thoughts I'm being sent. I then send "replies", by thinking about those thoughts. I then get more mail, as a result of these thoughts, and so on. I know it's a bit weird. I've always felt a kind of duality, that there is "me" and then there's "my brain". Like I have to do things in order to please my brain, so that I feel happy.

So the mail all arrives in the same format. In the same handwriting. It's the difference in style I'm looking for. Sometimes, as I said, I get whacky ideas come into my head anyway. Like, "Wouldn't it be cool to get a sniper rifle and shoot some people from up there?" Who knows where those thoughts come from. But I immediately recognize them as ridiculous, there's never any danger of me taking them seriously.

But the jerk thoughts are trying to camouflage themselves. What I actually do, if I'm trying to pick them apart, is to talk out loud to myself. I say, "What is the evidence for this thought?" Part of CBT involves writing the thoughts down, to analyse them in even more detail. So I send back the thoughts into my head, requesting evidence for the mail I just opened. If all I get are grumbles or really lame reasons, I can be pretty sure it was a jerk thought. If I'm more vulnerable, those lame reasons will seem more convincing, as it will play around my weaknesses. It will use the situation, and all my other thoughts, knowledge and beliefs. It's like an inside man, a spy who reports back the best way to attack. So I do have a dialogue with myself, where I analyse my thoughts. Once the thought has been had, it's like it is on the table. Like an open letter. And then I think about that thought.

I hope that made some sort of sense!

When your "at my worst" does the "jerk" take over the all the reasoning?

Almost entirely, yeah. It's like it subdues the rational part of my brain, and takes its place. Then my rational voice is the one whimpering in the corner, barely being heard. It kind of hijacks the reasoning, by messing with my ability to think clearly. I suspect it's got a lot to do with chemical imbalances, like you said before. It feels like all the logic circuits have been messed with, so I'm no longer able to analyse the thoughts properly. I'm just at the mercy of the jerk, telling me whatever it wants.

I can fight really hard, and using massive concentration and outside help, I can put together rational arguments which part of me knows are valid. But even so, it is really hard to believe them. It's like trying to do trigonometry while someone is kicking you in the head, as Douglas Adams once said.

The jerk even had me convinced, that I actually was the jerk now. That there wasn't anything else.

When it makes a claim like "leave her!" does the emotion, this is so weird, is it like a feeling of validation related to the statement? Like if you preferred the one thing over another, you have that pull, that "yes that's what I like" no word feeling associated with it? For example when I solve a problem I feel good about my solution. I feel pride. Is it like that?

Yes, something like that I think. It's similar to a rush of adrenaline, telling me to "act now". Do this! You have to! It's in your best instincts! Get on with it! So yeah, it's making my body tell me it's the correct course of action. It simulates images of how I would feel if I followed this advice. And they seemed really real. It was tempting me into action.

As for the drugs, I like the descriptor of the "jerk" sitting in the corner. Does it still have a voice in your monologue? If so is it quieter? Does it lack the emotion you mentioned earlier? What exactly limits it's power? What changes in it's suggestiveness?

Good question. I think it makes it harder for the jerk to manipulate my emotions, to make me "feel" like it's telling me the truth. It can't so easily give me that sense of urgency to act on it like I described above. Another way of describing it is that the volume on it is turned down. Instead of a loadspeaker, it's more of a whisper, when I'm at my best. It's almost like it loses its confidence, because it knows I am more resilient. It is a bully, essentially.

Also I wanted to say that up until now I've been a "rub some dirt on it" type guy when it came to hearing "I'm depressed" kinda comments. This is so outside my experience it's totally alien. But I know now I'll never see it that way again. Thanks for that.

I am so impressed that you've taken what we've said on board. In my experience, not many people change their positions on things like this. So major kudos to you! Most people's eyes just glaze over when I talk to them about it, and I can see them already dismissing everything I'm saying so they can go back to believing there's basically nothing wrong with me.

I can understand it being alien. It was to me, when I first experienced it. If you have any more questions, I'll be happy to try and answer. And for everyone on here who suffers from depression, you can always send me a private message anytime, sharing whatever thoughts you have. You can be sure I'll understand. I've had the darkest, sickest, most horrible thoughts imaginable, so nothing is going to shock me or make me judge people.