Another way of looking at depression

[Faith No More]

I'm guessing that when someone has chosen to die, wants to die and is confident with that decision, they wouldn't feel depression. They'd feel clarity; peace maybe. I've longed to let myself feel that peace.

I don't want to sound like I'm romanticizing it, but that's how it was for me.  It was as if I had finally found the solution to all my problems, and a sense of peace washed over me as if I'd found the light at the end of tunnel.  I was finally going end the pain I didn't seem capable of escaping.  Of course, it wasn't until after I woke up and saw the looks on my family's faces that I hadn't actually found a way to eliminate my suffering.  I had just found a way to hand it off to someone else.

For me, it's helpful to approach my depression as the chemicals in my brain being out of whack, because we can actually control our brain chemistry somewhat.  We can choose to do things that help release good neurotransmitters like getting out of the house, exercising, socializing and focusing on the positives in our lives.  It's hard because there's no real immediate benefit from all of this stuff, but if you keep working on it day in and day out, you'll eventually start to feel better.

In any case, I usually don't talk about it. Most people don't understand the symptoms that sometimes make it near impossible to get up in the morning and to pretend to be human. And what I really can't stand is advice from people who never experienced it themselves. However well intended that may be.

Yeah, I think this is one of the more frustrating aspects of depression.  People are alway giving you well-meaning but extremely naive advice like "just stay positive" or "smile more."  Then when you try to explain that it's not that simple, they look at you like you'er just suffering from some sort of character flaw, as opposed to a real medical illness.  I've learned to just ignore it all.