trying to leave Christianity permanently, please help

[Angrboda]

I don't think God expects people to be "good little Christians" or be damned.  My understanding of mainstream Christianity is that a) nobody is perfect, and b) salvation comes through faith in Jesus Christ.  Are you sure you've understood the Christian message correctly?

Depends on branch/denomination. Not all mainstream branches/denominations affirm the "once saved, always saved" doctrine. Catholicism is a clear example.

I don't think that's relevant to either the OP or my reply. Certainly one can fail to be saved, but the OP was worried that he couldn't always be a good little Christian, which implies that there is something more to being a Christian than having belief in Christ. If he's saying he doesn't always believe, that's a separate issue, but I don't think that's what he's saying.