Becoming an Atheist

[KnockEmOuttt]

This sounds a lot like what I went through (and still, to an extent go through).

I don't think you still believe in your religion. What I do think is that the brainwashing left some wounds that have yet to completely heal. I came to be an atheist truly at around 13/14. I'm 20 now and the brainwashing still freaks me out sometimes...not unlike a Nam flashback, if you could find a way to equate the two. The last time it really got me was about 3 years ago. I got myself really drunk and started crying because I was worried I'd go to hell for the way I was living my life. Of course, that was the alcohol talking, but if you're one of those people who had it crammed down their throats, the fear is a very real thing. It's like the bogeyman, I suppose. You know it's not real but it still scares you.

I think what you need to do is spend time reflecting. Pay less attention to the absence of a god in your life and look into other, truer things. I read a lot of popular science articles, and look at a lot of astronomy and wildlife photos. I find that this engages me in the wonder that is reality. It'll take time, but after a while when you realize how much more sense it makes you'll stop worrying about going to hell or the need to say small silent prayers.