For me it truly was about belief. I wanted so much to have a guiding entity, someone that cared for me, listened to my prayers and ensued my well-being. I lost my faith in the church long before I became an atheist, but as a pantheist (or something very close to that) I was assured that there was a god and that he listened. In lack of better words, I'm really 'lucky'. I assumed that my good luck was my god answering my prayers, and that was what kept me going. I seriously thought that the church had gotten him wrong, but that I understood. So, in other words, when the church failed to support my belief, I got presumptuous and thought that since I had god on my side listening to my worries, nothing could harm me and I was right. Later on, when I finally abandoned the last shreds of any belief, I realized that it was all in my head and I still had the same 'luck' as before, without me attributing it to a deity. But yeah, a misguided sense of self-importance and stubborn belief is what got me through as a Christian.
When I was young, there was a god with infinite power protecting me. Is there anyone else who felt that way? And was sure about it? but the first time I fell in love, I was thrown down - or maybe I broke free - and I bade farewell to God and became human. Now I don't have God's protection, and I walk on the ground without wings, but I don't regret this hardship. I want to live as a person. -Arina Tanemura
