Restoring Faith After a Challenge to It

[bladevalant546]

Like Ivy I struggled against my mind for years while being a christian. I had so many questions thrown my way and had nothing to show for it. In my time at Texas Bible Institute (which for the time was actually somewhat beneficial) I had my faith tested in the most terrible ways. There I discovered that Christians really were not so different from non-Christians. How I discovered this was through two key events that in my mind set in motion hibernating doubts that were like a dormant volcano that was going to fall apart. First event was after a situation with my mother who managed; being crippled and barely able to walk' fended off three would be attackers trying to enter her home. She fought them off with a wooden rolling pin suffering mild knife wounds and alot of emotional trauma. I went up and shared this in front of my class there at the bible school. I did not receive any special recognition, I was given a mere that is wonderful work of god and that was it. What made it hurtful is what happened next. Of course this was an event like most times where people would line up front and sharing "what god has done for us". After my testimony another girl (a favorite for some reason among the leadership) Told of a story about her father coming out of jail and how she is now communicating with her. They then talked about how god is working in their life, and how they are blessed. IT completely belittled my experience or atleast it felt like it let me know if i am right or wrong in my thinking.

Then came another event, we were heading to the Church service in Houston. well outside we saw a Lamborghini obviously one of the church members car. WE all commented on it and marveling at the exotic car. This foreshadowed an event that will soon follow at an altar call. The altar call was for people in financial distress or need. Upon around 10 or few more people walking up to the front. I looked up only to see them being prayed over, upon watching after service. I spoke to alot of them, and not one received any help. So the "rich" folks in the church had 500k but did not have 20k to bail anyone one person out. Not many times in my life where I really feel like something is just wrong....but that even was wrong. Not only I come from a poor family, we never received our miracle no matter how much i gave or prayed. I never heard any prayers answered for my father whom was a really good pastor who cared for people get what he deserved. In fact he got the opposite, I watched my mother suffer off and on in the hospital and never got better. I went to the church for a car....a simple car so I did not have to go into debt and all I got was "Well pray for you". I see my parents lives destroyed by medical debt all the while the he serves a church sitting on 1 million bucks.

So no I do not understand how people keep the faith. My parents still do, regardless of my fathers doubts. I think religion has produced A few decent people, but all I seen is the same greed and selfishness in religion (sometimes more so) as I see in real life. Honestly you want my opinion why they keep the faith. IT is because they are psychologically weak to depend on their selves, and come to terms that there is no loving god helping them. I think the thought scares them, so they produce cognitive dissonance. I am sorry to be so cynical, but I been in religion behind the doors for a long time. There is no magic in Christianity, and there is very little logical reason to believe a personal loving god cares.....I honestly think like I said fear and they justify by finding reasons why. *rant over*