Restoring Faith After a Challenge to It

[Zazzy]

I don't know if my story is what you want, but as a teenager I became very religious and scared of upsetting God. When I went to college, I avoided church because cults were rampant where I was and the Catholic church was just begging for money all the time. After college, I had a job where I worked weekends, so I stayed away from church even more. I am also an epileptic, so my fear of God triggered seizures. Eventually, I learned that meditation might help me. The more I meditated, the more I realized that God is not real. Regardless, even though I do not believe in God, my fear of him makes me get scared. I am slowly overcoming my fear, because I really don't believe in God or Jesus, but I'm scared for doing so. It causes me a lot of stress. I want to be free of him, but I'm having trouble overcoming my fear of punishment, not my lack of faith. It's also a lot of trouble for my marriage. But lack of faith to me is a double edged sword. It's helped me in a lot of ways, but it has hurt me, too. I know atheism is right, but I'm scared to do so. =(

Thanks, Bill. Is all your fear due to residual faith? Or is something else at play? This feels so sad to me- that you are suffering so over these warring instincts. If you would, I'd like to know more about this fear; it's something I can't grasp easily (maybe a metaphor would help me?). I know it's really personal, so I understand if you don't wish to describe it in more detail. I'm particularly interested in how and why God still has such a claim on you.