You send yourself to hell! - God The Ultimate Judge

[Bob Kelso]

Hello folks, Billy here, to tell you about yourself; you're a damned dirty sinner! As a result you're going to writhe eternally in hellfire because you deserve it for being alive, sounds bad doesn't it?

And you may be thinking;
"Billy, I just don't know how to get that sin out of my life and avoid torture for eternity!"

Well our product... Ahem... Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ was used as a scapegoat by his father (himself) and was brutally tortured and killed in front of a crowd only to resurrect in three days (some sacrifice eh?) all out of love for you personally and to cleanse you of your sins and join him in heaven to worship him for all eternity!

All this can be yours with just one easy payment of your life! Just mentally tell our divine zombie omnilord that you accept him as your savior and give unto him your heart and mind, you won't have to worry about all that pesky thinking, and you can avoid hell and live outside of that nasty ol' sin you were born with.

Afterwards you're invited to our church where we strongly suggest you give us 10% of your livelihood, because god says so, and will be given messages that constantly play up our gods love and adoration while simultaneously reminding you of how you're a dirty little worm undeserving of his mercy!

But wait there's more! If you telepathically call within the next five minutes, we'll also throw in this lovely 2000 year old book full of abhorrent acts of divine genocide (you have to ignore or take that into context now!) and warm feel-good miracles! So get on your knees and call now!!

*results may vary*