(March 28, 2014 at 2:57 pm)DeistPaladin Wrote: It was actually yesterday, during my relapse, that I had an epiphany. I think unexpressed or repressed anger can really contribute to the problem. My wife has said I don't express feelings well, something I've often heard before. During my epiphany, I realized I have a lot to be pissed about.
My financial situation for the last six years has been incredibly stressful, often living paycheck-to-paycheck and frequently running into too much month at the end of the money. Frankly, none of it is my goddamn fault. I've played by all the rules I was taught to believe in, I've always worked my ass off and yet, during that time, I've lived with maxed-out credit cards and the potential of bankruptcy always hanging over my head.
This sounds so familiar. I did a conscious choice not to compromise my integrity when the popular girls in my class started freezing me out and made sure that I had no friends whatsoever in sixth grade. It was hell, and I never talked about it with anyone at the time, knowing that I only had to suffer through it for a year and then when junior high starts, the class was split. Along the line some people I had considered friends turned their back on me when I needed them the most, and some even joined in bullying me. That made me a cold and callous person, and it wasn't until after I was done with high school that I was comfortable in confiding and opening up to people again. I was however very temperamental and hostile, I drank too often, reveled in any (sexual) attention I got from people, even the wrong ones. Scruffy helped me a lot (actually, we helped each other) in sorting things out and thanks to him I became balanced and more comfortable and better at expressing my emotions in a healthy manner. Opening up to my parents has also helped a lot more than any conventional therapy ever has. But I know what my problem is. Money. I have no economic stability yet, and it worries me to such an unhealthy degree. It won't solve all my problems, but I am convinced that gaining the financial means will help me get better, because that would be a humongous load off me. Sometimes money does buy happiness..
When I was young, there was a god with infinite power protecting me. Is there anyone else who felt that way? And was sure about it? but the first time I fell in love, I was thrown down - or maybe I broke free - and I bade farewell to God and became human. Now I don't have God's protection, and I walk on the ground without wings, but I don't regret this hardship. I want to live as a person. -Arina Tanemura
