Trying to understand evolution

[Sejanus]

I was raised in a Christian home. I believed in God untl I was around 15-16 years old. And even than, after I strayed away, deep down I believed God existed. I'm 25 now. I'm just now finally accepting and admitted there is no God. Or I should say don't believe there is a God. It's ignorant to say there is or isnt a God. Noone truly knows. But I've been through alot the past 10 years. And I tried. I gave it my all. I read the Bible inside and out. I prayed everyday and put my heart in it. The past 2 years I became extremely full of hate and anger because even though I said I didn't believe deep down I did. And even now after no longer believing I still have resentment towards Christianity. I never gave an honest effort into believing anything other than God but I'm that point now where I'm 100% open and willing to the other possibilities, mainly Evolution.

I've watched a couple documentaries but they always start with the evolution of man. They never start at the beginning. And the beginning is where many of my questions come. I guess I don't know enough about the theory of evolution. I can understand the evolution of man but what about our galaxy. I look at the sky and it's hard to imagine it didn't have some intelligent designer. I've said far more than I intended. All I'm looking for is a documentary that explains the beginning, the middle, and the now of evolution.

I get the feeling a lot of people think evolution is some kind of competing theory with god(s) as the cause of the universe. It isn't. You can easily be a deist and still accept evolution.

Also, Biological evolution =/= abiogenesis. One explains the diversity of life, the other explains the beginning of life. (and abiogenesis isn't as 'sketchy' as some people think)

Here's an explanation of Speciation/Evolution by Natural Selection I gave to some theist who ignored it. http://atheistforums.org/thread-25957-po...#pid666455
Speciation is where a lot of theists seem to draw the line... e.g "durr I believe in micro but not macro evolution hurr durr"

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I'm in a frustrating place right now. I wish I could just move on because I doubt I will ever get the answers I am looking for. But while many can just live there life without answers I cannot. I think a lot of it stems off being brought up in a Christian home and school. Living in that environment and believing in it for so long and than opening your eyes to the deception and lies....it just filled me with hate. And now it's like I can't move on until I get real answers which I know won't happen. But every single day my mind goes back and forth. And deep, deep down there will always be some part of me that believes in God. Its something I want too, but can't shake off. I guess one my biggest questions with any religion or theory is how did it begin? No matter what or who, something was here first. I could never believe in the Big Bang because how can it just appear. But than I as myself how is that any different than God just appearing. It's honestly eating me away; God, Evolution, Big Bang, etc....it gives me a migraine.

The difference is that the Big Bang has evidence to support it. "gawd" has jack shit in that department.