Hostage to fear

[Spacetime]

ST-

I'm sorry if you feel my answer was inadequate. I'll try again.

I agree that belief is a choice, and choosing is an act of the will - not a matter of the intellect or the emotions. This is why I think it is fair to begin by asking: Did or do you even want to be a follower of Christ?

I know you were trying to please various people, but were you really willing to follow him?

I'm not accusing...I'm trying to understand your experience.

First, if you believe I'm being condescending in this post... please hold out for the end. My intentions were never to "please various people"... they were to save my wife and children from hell. I never sought to please anyone except this god of Holy Scripture. ...period.

I don't think you can agree with me on a point I have not made. I never made the point that belief is a choice. On the contrary, I've made my opinion of the opposite very clear.

Acting as though I believe is contrary to what the values of your faith teach. Lying is a sin, no matter your target. I was lying to myself when I said, "I believe in Christ Jesus". I acted as though I really thought I believed for many years. I simply quit lying, to 1) avoid sin in my quest for theosis 2) live an authentic human experience.

I wanted to believe in Christ (as portrayed in Holy Scripture) more than I wanted my own life, if it could be sacrificed so that my children would have the faith I don't ... for their salvation. I wanted my wife and my kids to reach heaven... and knowingly lied to them about what I "believed" for that reason. I deceived my family to meet the demands of a god. At the end of every day, there was something wholly wrong with that... if my god be "good" and "truth".

As an anti-Calvinist, I could not just attribute my lack of faith to determinism. A deep study of theodicy (through Scripture, history, and authoritative ancillary texts) answered all the questions I needed answers to.

The honest and exercised answer is, yes, I was willing to follow Christ to the bitter end. And I appreciate you trying to understand my experiences ... throw me in the fire for being wrong, but I take it you're younger than most apologists and have a decent liberal education... your honest empathy gives you away.